The Marauders Monday Magazine
by An-Jelly-Ca
Summary: Messrs Moony, Wormtail Padfoot and Prongs present the Marauders Monday Magazine: A Guide to Life at Hogwarts. Results may vary. Chapter 15 Up!
1. September, Sixth Year

**A/N Darn it what have I gotten myself into? This was supposed to be a short piece from Remus' point of view in answer to the prompt stated below, and then it had to go and evolve into what will clearly be a very long story. It's times like this I wonder, what have I gotten myself into?! Well review and show me I'm not slaving away at a laptop updating for nothing. Lol.**

**Prompt: Start a story with this phrase 'If it wasn't so sad it would have been…'**

**Key: Bold –Sirius **

_Italicized- Remus _

Underlined – Peter

Regular- James

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters.**

**Messrs Moony, Wormtail Padfoot and Prongs present the Marauders Monday Magazine: A Guide to Life at Hogwarts. (Results may very)**

_If it wasn't so sad it would have been hilarious, I mean who wouldn't laugh at the sight of James Potter dangling by his knees off his broomstick in the middle of the great hall offering Lily Evans flowers with one hand whilst he kept one hand on his heart and serenaded her? But I digress it doesn't matter exactly what it is he's doing, what matters is that he's doing it…_

**Oh, I disagree, Moony, it very much matters what it is he's doing, that's nine tenths the reason it's so pathetic…hold on I have to go tell James I think she's going to say yes this time.**

_Sirius, why did you steal my paper?_

**Well…because you were wrong.**

_I take issue with that assessment, for your information I think it's a bit more important that our friend is attempting to ask Lily out for the five thousandth time…_

**Actually, Moony, it's five thousand one hundred and twelve.**

_I don't even want to know why you know that._

**Well, I'll tell you why anyway, I'm running both the How-long-will-it-take-her-to-say-yes betting poll and the how-long-until-she-snaps-and-kills-him betting poll. **

_Don't they seem to contradict each other seeing as if she says yes she likely won't have killed him._

**I never said that she had to kill him because of how many times he asks her out, do you honestly think she can date Jamsie and still maintain her sanity however little she still has?**

_Well…no, seeing as how I lost mine the moment I became friends with you two._

**Alright then.**

_Sirius will you do me a favor._

**What is it, Moony?**

_Shut up and let me finish my description of the events for our readers._

**Yes our underground newspaper gets great following doesn't it?**

_We're going to lose our following if you don't hush up and let me write the weekly column on James' most pathetic attempt at asking Lily out._

**I doubt this will be his most pathetic.**

_Just shut up._

**Fine…but only since you're such a cranky pants.**

_ARGH! One of these days you're going to drive me straight to the asylum._

…

_Just say whatever it is you're thinking and let me write the article._

**I can't drive.**

_SIRIUS ORION BLACK! You had better run._

At this point I, Peter Pettigrew will be taking over the writing of this column as my dear friend Remus chases Sirius through the Great Hall screaming about how he will kill him and then bring him back to life and kill him again. McGonagall is currently screaming at them to freeze. They're ignoring her, Sirius is in favor of living and Moony is hoping to kill him and therefore McGonagall is going unnoticed. However, as of now I am writing the weekly column on James' pathetic attempts at asking Lily out, and am not in fact writing the article on whether Remus manages to kill Sirius (That's James' column) and must therefore direct you're attention back to James. As of now Lily's left eye has started to twitch, which according to our directory of the stages of Lily's anger, means that she is seconds away from launching her attack. Ouch, that had to hurt. I swear you could hear the sound of James hitting the floor all through the entrance hall. I think he's going to need the hospital wing, I better finish this later, we're going to need to go visit him. And I think Remus just caught Sirius, well I guess both James and Sirius will be in the hospital wing then. But I'll let you read about that little chase in James' column although I'll probably have to write it since James is out of commission. 

**A/N I apologize to those of you who hate Peter, I mean so do I, but for the purposes of this story I shall (sigh) pretend he is a decent human being and not simply ignore his presence or make him a total moron, I know, I know, challenging right? But I think maybe it'll help me grow as a writer…who am I kidding?! I hate him. I don't want to grow. I want Peter dead, I want to let Sirius be in a room with him alone for three minutes, I want to let Fluffy loose on him…okay I'll stop now. But since I love to live in denial (SIRIUS IS ALIVE) I'll just pretend he didn't betray James and maybe I'll make it through the story. Lol. Review, pretty please…**


	2. September, Sixth Year, Continued

**A/N Thanks so much for all the reviews, for the last chapter everyone, they made me so happy, lol. Keep it up, pretty please.**

**Prompt: Start a story with this phrase 'If it wasn't so sad it would have been…'**

**Key: Bold –Sirius **

_Italicized- Remus _

Underlined – Peter

Regular- James

**Disclaimer: I don't own, so you don't sue!**

**Messrs Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs present the Marauders Monday Magazine: A Guide to Life at Hogwarts. (Results may very)**

**Our Gossip Columns**

_A Feeble Attempt:_

_A Continuation of last week's column_

_By: Remus Lupin_

_Those of you who follow my weekly column on _

_the attempts of my good friend, James Potter,_

_to ask Lily Evans out may have noticed that _

_my column was rather fragmented, and I do _

_apologize for this, you see my dear but rather_

_exasperating friend Sirius Black was driving me up _

_the wall and I had no choice but to exact revenge,_

_however this is a story that will be covered later by_

_Peter who is writing the column in James' stead _

_since my dear friend Prongs, as we call him, is still _

_holed up in the hospital wing. When Peter and I last_

_left you, James had hit the ground. However what we _

_neglected to tell you of, was how it is that James found _

_himself crashing to the ground. Anyone who knows_

_James Potter even by only reputation knows he's a _

_great flier (not that I should risk further inflating his ego)_

_between him and Sirius I'm surprise Pete and I can still_

_fit into the dormitory. However, I go off the point,_

_James being the type of flier that he is clearly_

_didn't fall of his broom of his own accord, _

_despite the recklessness and stupidity of the stunt _

_he was performing. Anyway, Lily had screamed _

_at him that he was the biggest prat on the face of_

_the planet and stood on her chair. James said_

"_Are you finally going to kiss me, Evans?" And _

_she said "I am going to do something I should _

_have done a long time ago, close your eyes." _

_James grinned at her, clearly he should have _

_Noticed the undisquised rage in her eyes, but_

_Prongs is a bit slow, I can say that without him_

_interrupting me because he's in the Hospital Wing,_

_and she grabbed him and pulled him by his hair off _

_the broom. And then she took the broom and started _

_jumping up and down on it, it didn't break though bent _

_it a little and died it green but didn't break it,_

_I swear James has ever protection spell in existence on _

_that thing, and then he cracked his head, and she pulled_

_out a fistful of his hair, and now my good old buddy is _

_busy repairing the damage in the hospital wing. Hopefully,_

_his next attempt is less feeble. This one was truly laughable._

_I must go as I have ahem…detention, for _

_er…coughattackingSiriuscough… Until next week remember_

_my motto…_

_Study, it's the path to success, think of your end-of-term exams!_

* * *

A Sirius Threat to Moony's Sanity

By Peter Pettigrew

When I last left you it was with talk of Remus killing Sirius,

and Lily attacking James. As you've already read of Lily's

successful attack, I'll tell you of Remus' my dear friend chased 

Sirius through the Great Hall, McGonagall attempted (Rather uselessly)

to stop Remus from attacking Sirius, but was unsuccessful, 

Sirius turned to look at James when he hit the ground and Remus

used the momentary distraction to tackle Padfoot. 

And Remus pinned him down and grabbed him by the hair with

Sirius screaming "Not my hair, anything but the hair"

the entire time, Remus laughed manically and was like "All the better

to torment you with" And then he took a pair of scissors that he

transfigured to his hair and started cutting jaggedly, and then

he dyed his hair blond, and Sirius started freaking out and 

trying to get away, and Remus held him down but he ended up hitting 

his head on the ground good thing to, because Sirius is so going to kill him

once he gets out of the hospital wing, only Sirius is kind of…er…

distraught…he refuses to let anyone see him, and James is the only one

he'll talk to because half of James' head is bald thanks to Lily 

and even then it's iffy. According to Sirius he'll be back once he recovers 

from the quote "Emotional trauma" unquote.

So, that'll be awhile then with his pension for drama, 

but Moony's reaction was a bit extreme, he's serving detention

everyday for a month, he claims it's worth it though.

However he does have to grovel for Sirius' forgiveness, 

this should be funny. I for one am glad I'm safe from

James' and Sirius' rage. 

Until next time remember my motto:

Stay out of the way and you won't get caught.

* * *

**Emotional Trauma**

**An (Distraught) Article by a (Distraught) Author **

**known as Sirius Black.**

**In the past few days I suffered a horrible attack**

**upon my person, this terrible assault occurred at**

**the hands of one Remus J. 'Moony' Lupin. And **

**I for one suffered greatly do to his uncalled for**

**and clearly unprovoked fit of rage, I was sitting **

**there quietly studying for Transfiguration when low**

**and behold he claims I insult his intelligence and**

**starts threatening to killme, naturally, I ran away,**

**but he caught me when I turned to check on**

**my dear friend James. Before I could do anything**

**Moony had committed an act of treachery,**

**get your pitchforks ready ladies, he…**

**I can't even say it…he…James say it for me?**

Sure, Pads, all right, are you ready everyone? Moony, cut his hair

(rather crookedly at that) and died it blond.

**The horror! **

I think I'm going to have to take over now, my friend is

(quite rightly) distraught, and is currently banging his

head against the wall, and talking about how he's lost

the will to live, bloody hell, put that down Sirius! I have to go pry

the knife from his hands…Moony just came in.

For practical purposes I'll insert our conversation.

"Sirius Black, put down the knife." I exclaimed grabbing him by his elbow.

"**He did this to me!" Sirius exclaimed attempting to launch himself at Remus.**

"_Yes, yes I did." Remus said calmly. "I'd do it again too."_

"**I'll kill him!" Sirius howled at this point I managed to pry the knife**

**from his hands but found it quite a bit harder to keep him from **

**launching himself at Remus.**

"_No you won't."_

"**I WILL! I WILL HAVE VENGEANCE THERE WILL BE JUSTICE!"**

"Let's all just try to calm down for a minute."

"…"

"…"

"**Nah."**

"_Nah." _And then to my enormous relief Pomfrey came out and

made Sirius and me (to my disgust) get back into bed.

She made Remus stop taunting Sirius, and

Sirius got in trouble for getting out of bed and trying to stab Remus.

* * *

Why is it she won't say YES?

By: James Potter

As most of you are aware, I recently suffered an attack

upon my person, by none other then Lily Elizabeth Evans,

now…

**The way you make it sound it's as though this is **

**a rare occurrence.**

Shut, up Blondie.

**MY HAIR! MY POOR INNOCENT HAIR!**

Well, that got rid of him, anyway, after suffering

what was quite frankly, a vicious assault, by

my Lily-flower, it made me wonder, why she won't say

yes, I mean I'm good looking, right? I'm the best

Quidditch player in the school, and I'm smart and charming

to boot…

_Oh gee, James, I haven't the slightest idea how she couldn't_

_like someone as modest as you._

**THE EVIL HAS RETURNED! I'll kill you!**

Sirius Orion Black, you're not to kill Remus until

I finish my column, besides we're getting out of the

Hospital wing in an hour, and it would be better to

kill him without any witnesses.

**Fine. But I will kill you Moony. Oh…yes…I will kill you.**

**My hair, my poor, poor hair.**

Is he crying?

_I think he is._

Look what you did to him Moony! I will not have my

best beater sobbing all over the field, fix him right now.

_His obsession with his hair really was quite unhealthy,_

_I've actually done him a service, because maybe the time_

_spent with…_

**UGLY! I'm ugly! Go ahead and say it Moony, I know**

**You were thinking it.**

Great Remus, nice job, now he's hitting his head on the wall.

Again.

_Exactly, he needs help! Badly…_

**I've lost the will to live.**

Sirius Orion Black!

**Leave me here to die.**

Padfoot…

**Nooooo! My hair…my poor innocent hair.**

_It's only hair, Padfoot._

**Be quiet…you…you…MURDERER!**

He's finally lost it.

_My dear Wormtail, for him to have 'lost it'_

_he would have had to 'have it' at some point._

**The cupcakes hate you.**

I think Moony may be right…Padfoot give

me your wand…you can't behead yourself.

**But it would remove the ugly from my person.**

For Merlin's sake! All right, my readers, I'll have

to end this on the following note: Why oh why won't

Lily say yes to me? Be a friend, everyone, ask her to

say yes for me.

P.S. Lily will you go out with me?

**A/N Next chapter will feature articles like 'How to Taunt a Slytherin' and 'How to Escape Detention' as well as an advice column, a article on one of their best pranks for future generations, editorials, and ads/classifieds people pay to have put in the newspaper. If you can think of any others you'd like let me know. Next chapter will be out quick, because I have two of the articles done already.**


	3. October, Sixth Year

**A/N Hey, everyone, sorry about the wait, but I do have some important things to say…**

**Dedication: To Immortali, who is my fabulous beta for this story, credit for the name of the article How to Ger back at Evil Hair-Murdering People you thought Were your friends goes to her, she suggested it, thus credit for article idea and it's name goes to her, also the little part with Lily's hex parchment is by her. Thanks for all your help. **

**IMPORTANT: I'm sorry for the formatting whenever I try to fix it half the chapter deletes, and I've hat reload it like four times already, and to insert this note I had to go back in and right it in Word and then make a whole new document. Something's seriously wrong with the document manager.**

**And finally Thanks to all Reviewers!**

Key:

**Bold- Sirius**  
_Italicized- Remus_  
Underlined - Peter  
Regular- James

_**Bold/Italicized - Lily**_  
**Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters.**

Messrs Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs present the Marauders Monday  
Magazine: A Guide to Life at Hogwarts. (Results may vary)

**How to get back at Evil Hair-Murdering People You thought Were your friends  
A Guide by Sirius O. Black.**

As you all know I suffered a horrible emotional trauma. When I last, ahem,   
left you, I was in the hospital wing plotting revenge against said evil  
hair-murdering person. As you may recall my dearest best friend, James H.  
Potter suggested I shouldn't kill the horrible-hair-murdering-demon in the  
presence of witnesses, and indeed such an act is not advisable, as a result  
I decided that I must hypothetically carry out my plans, because I have not  
done anything, and am completely innocent of any   
pranks/crimes/misdemeanors/felonies/murders/ batteries/assaults, and any  
other crime you can possibly think of.  
However, if I were to attempt to, hypothetically, exact revenge on an evil  
hair-murdering friend, I would do it in the manner outlined in my brief  
guide. Speaking of which, I suppose I should tell you of my hypothetical  
plans. Those who stoop so low as to murder hair have no conscience. It is  
vital you remember this. They will feel no sorrow for their horrifying  
crimes and therefore any type of vengeance you should choose to extract from  
them is completely justified.  
Now, in the hypothetical scenario where one Remus J. Lupin attacks me and  
dyes my hair blond, it is completely justified for me to attack him in turn.  
Of course, I, Sirius 'I-Will-Have-Vengeance' Black, would never do such a   
thing. If, however, I had chosen to attack Mr. Lupin for this, I would have  
waited until he was asleep and then…  
_SIRIUS ORION BLACK! HOW DARE YOU?!  
_Remember your blood pressure, Remus.  
**HE KILLED MY HAIR!! HE DESERVED EVERYTHING HE GOT!…I mean, hypothetically,  
of course, because I'm completely innocent.  
**Calm down, Sirius.  
_I WILL KILL HIM!_**  
See if I care. I've already lost the will to live.  
**Sirius!  
**It's true, Wormtail**.  
Remus, you can't kill Sirius with a spork.  
**Yes, I can, now move out of the way, Prongs.  
**Remus… Sirius! Put down the cupcake, you can't suffocate Remus with it.  
**Yes, I can! And besides, as I already explained, the cupcakes hate Remus!   
I'm not trying to suffocating him, the cupcakes are. I'm just trying to… um…  
stop them! Yeah! That's it! Stop them!  
"**…"  
_"…"  
_"…"  
**Why are you all looking at me like I'm insane?**  
_Because you are.  
_**No, I'm not! (twitch)**  
Honestly, Petey, what are we going to do with these two?  
No idea, Prongs, but I'm guessing stopping them from killing each other with  
either a spork and cupcake would be the first step.  
Sounds good to me. Though it would be extremely entertaining to watch.   
SIRIUS ORION BLACK!!! STOP HITTING REMUS WITH THAT RUBBER YOYO RIGHT NOW.  
**It's a spoinkle, Prongs. We've been over this.  
**Remus, let go of Sirius' hair. You're pulling it out.  
_So?_  
What exactly did he do to you?  
_…You aren't seriously asking that…_  
**He can't siriusly be asking anything, only I can do that. However, he's  
definitely asking that.  
**_I'M GOING TO KILL HIM!  
_Put down the spork and step away from the knife.  
Well? What did he do?  
_In case, you are in fact, really that blind…  
_**Exactly what do you think the glasses are for?  
**_He's wearing them…_  
**Your point being?  
**_He. Should. Be. Able. To. See. With. His. Glasses. On_.

Even I knew that.  
**Why is everyone so mean to me?  
**"…"  
"…"  
_… We'll just ignore that statement, Sirius, because I need to explain what  
you did…_

**Allegedly did! **

_Who else would do it? Moving on, if you couldn't tell, Prongs, my skin is PURPLE.  
_Your point being?  
… His skin isn't usually purple, James.  
Really?  
Yes, really.  
_And I suppose you also didn't notice, that… that he… transfigured all my  
books into… into… Qudditch supplies!  
_It is sort of an improvement, Remus. We did need a new Quaffle as well as  
bludgers, and a snitch or two couldn't hurt.  
**That's just because you keep stealing them all, Prongsie.**  
… Besides, if you don't like it why don't you just undo the spell.  
_Because our dear friend, Sirius, put a spell on each book-turned-Quidditch   
supply, which causes anyone who attempts to undo the spell to have their  
skin turned purple, secondary attempts result in the supplies attacking you.  
_That explains the Quidditch balls I saw following you around earlier.  
**And you honestly think I could do that advanced level of transfiguration?  
**_Yes.  
_**Aww, Moony, I love your confidence in me.  
**_It's not confidence. I've just seen you do more_ _advanced spells then that.  
Sadly you only use your skills for pranks.  
_**And what fun would I get from using them in class? Besides you still can't  
prove I did it.  
**_I'm going to kill him!  
_I told you to put down the spork, Remus.  
_Your point being?  
_That you need to put down the spork.  
I think we should settle this at a later date. Sirius is trying to write a  
column after all.  
_So?_  
**So?**  
"…"  
… Just let him write his article thing, and then you can kill each other.  
I JUST HAD THE ULTIMATE IDEA TO WOO MY LILYKINS!  
_"…"  
_"…"  
**"…"**  
Doesn't anyone want to hear my plan?  
Uh…  
_Actually…_  
We don't…  
**Want you to ruin the suspense for us when we read your column!  
**You read my column?  
Er…  
**Of…course.  
**Oh. Okay.  
**Moving on. As I was saying, my readers, were I to attempt to get revenge on   
a certain Remus J. Lupin, I would die his skin purple, turn his books into  
Qudditch supplies, and send the Professors letters from him alternately  
asking them out/calling them evil wenches and/or ugly gits.  
**_YOU SENT MCGONAGALL THE LETTER ASKING HER OUT?!  
_**Er…No! of course not, I said… hypothetically speaking, of course, were I to…  
**_I'm going to kill you, Sirius.  
_**Help me, Prongs!  
**Remus, please refrain from killing Padfoot…

_No._

Meh. it was worth a shot.  
**I really need to be going, as my life is at risk. So, goodbye my readers,  
and remember my tips in the event you are the victim of such an attack!  
AGH!!! LET GO OF ME, MOONY!**  
Well, this concludes Sirius' article, seeing as Remus just dragged him from  
the room by his remaining hair.

  
**//line//page//break/////line//page//break/////line//page//break///**

The Ultimate Plan to Woo My Lilykins!  
By James Potter  
Okay, so I've tried everything imaginable to get Lily to go out with me,  
wouldn't you agree, my dear readers?  
**He really has, it's actually getting quite sad.  
**Shut up, before I call Remus and tell him that you're hiding under his bed.  
Speaking of which, why not hide under your own bed?  
**It's too messy.  
**_Maybe you wouldn't have that problem if you weren't such a slob.  
_**M-moony!**  
_Be afraid, be very afraid._  
**Spoinkle will not let you get me!  
**Hey, maybe we should stop talking since James is trying to write an article.  
**Mmph.  
**_Fine._  
As I was saying, I have come up with the ULTIMATE PLAN to woo my Lilykins. I  
am calling it Plan X.  
_Because that doesn't make it sound doomed at all._  
Really? Thanks Moony!  
He was being sarcastic, James.**  
**Was he?  
Yes.  
Oh.  
**I'm sure it's brilliant, Jamsie.  
**Thanks, Pads. anyway, as I was saying, my plan is this…  
**You have a plan?  
**Where've you been?  
_I'm telling you he has to have some severe A.D.H.D.  
_**What's B.C.B.?  
**_A.D.H.D__**.  
**_**… same thing…**  
_Never mind, Sirius, just go back to la-la-land.  
_**Okay, they like me there!  
**_I'm sure they do, considering you're their king.  
_**Is he insulting me again?  
**Probably, not sure though, I've pretty much given up on understanding Moony.  
**Me too.**  
Ditto.  
Anyways, the plan is this, I am publishing the following chain letter in  
this newspaper.

Think Of Someone You Like A Lot

&&

&  
Think Of Something You Want To Happen Between You and that Person.  
&

&&  
Make a Wish!

&&

&  
0-2 Your wish won't come true L 3-5 That Person will notice you! 6-9 That   
Person will start to like you! 10-15 That Person will ask you Out! 6-21 You  
Will Be with that Person for a long time! So Send AWAY!  
_And this will accomplish what exactly?_  
**Isn't it obvious?**  
_No, not really.  
_**You have to learn how to think like Prongs for this.  
**_"…"_  
"…"  
**Okay, so the point is that since he's publishing it in our newspaper it'll  
be sent to lots of people, therefore making his wish come true! Am I right,  
Prongs?  
**Yup.  
_You are aware of the fact that chain letters never work right?  
_This one will!

**Besides, they do too! I got this one that said, 0-3, you'll go to Azkaban   
when you get older, 4-7, you'll find 5 Sickles! 8-11, you'll win a contest!  
11-14, you'll inherit a small fortune! 14-infinity, you'll be the richest  
wizard ever! Well, actually, I bombed the first one. But then I got one like  
it and sent it to 5 people, and I found 5 Sickles!!  
**_Okay then._  
_Don't argue with him._  
_…but…_  
Don't do it, you know you'll regret it.  
_Fine!_  
All right then, now that I've completed Plan X, Which will surely woo my  
Lilykins, I ask you all to write in your support for my plan! If you don't  
comment, it won't work! I need your help, we must prove the validity of my  
plan to Remmie!

**Please, just comment, so we don't have to listen to him!  
****//line//page//break/////line//page//break/////line//page//break///**

_**Tired of annoying boys constantly bothering you trying to ask you out? Just   
try Lily Evan's Hex Parchment  
Guaranteed to at least discourage all but the most stubborn of boys. Simply  
replace his homework with it, send it as a note, or slip it into one of his   
books or his favorite Quidditch supplies! You can choose from any of our  
stock, such as:  
Puking Papers (4 Sickles)  
Spiteful Screamers (2 Sickles)  
(1)Lacerating Letters (6 Sickles)  
Exploding Entries (5 Sickles)  
Corrosive Correspondences (5Sickles)  
And many more! Or try our special deluxe packages:  
Nasty Notes (2 Galleons)  
(1)Malicious Messages (4 Galleons)  
See Lily Evans in the Gryffindor common room if you're interested.  
1. Only to be used in extreme circumstances. **_

_**Important: No refunds except in special circumstances.**_

**//line//page//break/////line//page//break/////line//page//break///**

Closing Note on Advertising for our Readers

From your editors Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs

**Tell me again why we let her put that in?**

_Because, James suffers from the delusion that if he gives her _

_whatever she wants, she will go out with him._

My Lilykins, will go out with me!

…**Riiiiiiiight…**

What was that Padfoot?

**Uh, nothing, Prongsie…I just said that, I'm sure your plan will work.**

Oh, thanks, Pads!

_Idiot._

Huh, did you say something, Moony?

_No._

Oh, okay.

Weren't we supposed to be saying something to our readers?

What? Oh…yeah, we were.

_Nice job getting us off topic, Sirius._

**I'm good at it, aren't I?**

I think he was doing that sarcasm thing again.

**Was he?**

_No, of course not…I'd never be sarcastic._

**Really?**

_No._

Hello, stay focused people! We're supposed to be telling them something…

**Oh…**

_Okay. Anyways, people, Lily took out an ad in our paper, it was free for her because Prongs is love struck and has no business sense…_

I resent that.

You resemble that.

Meanies.

**It's okay, Prongsie.**

Thanks, Pads.

**You're welcome, Prongs.**

_Anyway, if you two are quite done…_

**Yup. Go ahead Moony.**

_You can take an ad out in our paper for a price of three sickles per advertisement per week, we have a special as well, if you would like to take out a two month ad, we'll only make you pay twenty-one sickles. Starting next issue we'll have an advice column up, so please send in any questions you have for us the Marauders. _

You forgot to tell them about the prank guide...

_Oh, yes, thank you, Wormtail, if you can also write in and tell us (we recommend you do this under an assumed name) of people that you need pranked, (and the reason for it) we will be happy to either prank them for you or to suggest a prank for you to use. _

**That's all for now.**

See you next issue everyone.

_Remember to write in._

Bye, everyone.

**A/N Remember to write in everyone, anything you suggest will of course be credited to you. Now Review!**


	4. November, Sixth Year

_**A/N I apologize for the wait my lovely readers. **_

_**Thanks for all the reviews!!!**_

_**Dedication: To Immortali (my fantastic beta!), D. Dawn, Compleatly Random Dissorder, and 'Loha for their contributions to this chapter. Thanks guys!**_

_**Key:**_

_**Bold- Sirius  
**__Italicized- Remus__**  
**__Underlined - Peter__**  
**__Regular- James_

_**Bold/Italicized – Lily**_

_**Bold/Italicized/Underlined-Ads/Pranks/Letters asking for advice**__**  
**_**Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. **

**Messrs Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs present the Marauders Monday  
Magazine: A Guide to Life at Hogwarts. (Results may vary).**

_**Prank of the Day:**_

_**1)Wait until they get in the shower.  
2)Remove all the towels, and the clothes they brought with them while they're washing.  
3)Leave a note saying they're at the top of the Quidditch posts, go get them.  
4) Watch and laugh as they retrieve their coverlets.**_

_**(above prank credited to D. Dawn)**_

How to Taunt a Slytherin

By: James Potter

My dear, classmates, have you ever found yourselves

seeking vengeance on a Slytherin who has committed

a dastardly deed or is just there? If you've ever had this

problem I'm here with the answer to your prayers! This

is the start of what will become a weekly column written

by you guessed it, yours truly, James Harold Potter.

My goal is to teach you my fellow (not Slytherin) classmates how

to taunt the spawn of Satan (Slytherins). Today's lesson

is very basic, should a Slytherin mock you

(ie. Call you a mudblood) you should inform them that at least

you're not so inbred that you're children will soon have twenty

toes. However, I don't condone this behavior, don't panic,

my dear readers, I haven't gone and gotten mature on you,

I simply mean that you should not simply call the Slytherin

an inbred, pathetic fool, whose Mother looks like a dead hog

that's been left to rot for a year. You must take action!

And this being said I direct you to the for use on Slytherins only

spell/hex/jinx/potion of the day.

**Suggested Hex:** Use a color change charm on the robes/hair of

the snake-like bast…sorry, Remus has informed me that I can't

swear in the articles, so I mean _Slytherin_, yeah so use a color

change charm on the Slytherin, if you're feeling brave, make

their robes red and gold, I guarantee they'll flip out.

However, such a spell is not nearly enough to inflict proper

punishment upon the Slytherin, and so I recommend any color

change charm be quickly followed up with something like an

instant scalping hex, which while being exceptionally advanced

magic will instantly remove all the hair from their heads,

at which point you can dye their bald head read and gold.

Anyway I must go and hex Snivellus…as always remember

my motto…

If it's sprouting pureblood crap it's likely a Slytherin

and therefore it is meant to be hexed.

P.S. Will you go out with me Lily? Pretty please?

**How To Escape Detention **

**An Article by Sirius Black**

**Ladies…it is I, Sirius Black! It's okay to swoon, **

**I won't hold it against you…**

_Sirius Black start writing your column like you're meant to._

**Sheesh, calm down Moony, I'll write the bloody article.**

_Don't use that kind of language in front of the first years!_

**Okay, fine, now let me get back to my column. **

**All right, now that our brief intermission has concluded**

**I direct you back to the purpose of this article.**

**After hexing the Slytherins with the spell James **

**just told you about, you'll need to know how to escape**

**punishment. Now, for the Gryffindor Quidditch players **

**out there, you simply need to hex the Slytherins near a **

**practice or game and you'll be golden, but for those of you **

**not on our wonderful team…**

Cheer us on Saturday or so help me I'll…

_Don't threaten the readers, James!_

I'll bloody well threaten the…

**This is my column so could you kindly quit interrupting it?!**

**Anyway, my lovely readers, those of you who don't have **

**the Quidditch excuse to escape punishment, you'll need to**

**know how to charm Minnie.**

_If McGonagall hears you calling her Minnie again…_

**Don't worry my dear Moony, for if she finds any part of our**

**newspaper we will all get detention and my calling her Minnie **

**will be the least of our worries. **

_You have no idea how comforting that is._

**Well then you're welcome, anyway, the first thing you must do**

**is start laughing hysterically, now you may think this will cause **

**her to believe you're mocking her but in truth she will look at **

**you over her glasses as though you're insane and ask you **

**whether you were hit with a cheering charm, and then when **

**you continue to laugh she will send you to a quiet room, **

**and by the time you've 'calmed down' she'll have moved **

**on to punishing someone else, likely us.**

**However, this is not the only solution, another excellent **

**one is to burst into tears and sob hysterically until she**

**sighs in a way that Moony says means she is 'exasperated'**

**and asks you what's wrong, and you should tell her that**

**you heard the Slytherin(s) conspiring to put the Gryffindor **

**Quidditch team out of commission and when you confronted**

**them, the Slytherin(s) called you halfblood trash/**

**a bloodtraitor/a mudblood. She will become angry for **

**fear that something will happen to her star players namely…**

Me! I'm the best player ever, and as for you Sirius you may be the

best beater in this school but if you don't get your butt to practice

you're as good as dead. You can be replaced, don't forget that.

_James, don't threaten your best friend._

But, Moony you threaten him all the time…

_That's different._

How?

_He insults my intelligence. _

So? He insults my practice schedule.

**How about you both stop insulting **_**me **_**and let me finish this article**

**so that I can as you put it, James, get my butt to practice. **

**In conclusion my dear readers, make sure to employ these**

**strategies, they are guaranteed successes, I know, as I use them everyday.**

**Remember my motto…**

**Run like hell and should they actually catch you, charm the pants…er…**

**robes off them.**

_And now a word from our sponsors…_

**(credited to 'loha)**

  
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Remember "We give your horrible hair, new FLAIR!" 

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_**Are you an inept fool incapable of getting a date?**_

_**Have you stalked the same girl for years with little or no results?**_

_**The answer to your problems is here! All you need to do is send **_

_**an owl to JiLOG Industries. The price of an Easy-Date varies **_

_**from twenty to thirty galleons, but act now and we'll throw in **_

_**a bottle of our witch attracting cologne absolutely free! **_

_**It's guaranteed to make any girl swoon! **_

GAAH! MUST… ORDER… EASY-DATE!!!

**Really? You're going to order it? I thought you counted on you "natural charm."**

I am taking no chances with my Lily flower! I MUST ORDER THIS EASY-DATE!!

… **and there goes the happiest boy who ever read an ad. I wonder where he's going to get the galleons?**

_Sirius, didn't they offer us a free package for a discount on the ad?_

**Yes.**

_Wow… so evil…I never would have thought…I can't believe I'm saying this, but Sirius, I'm proud of you._

**Aw, Moony, I never knew you-**

_No! Stop talking! Don't make me take it back!_

_**Pranks-A-Lot!**_

_**(credited to Immortali)**_

_**Do you have a mortal enemy that you desperately want to humiliate, but you just can't find the time? Just let us know at Pranks-A-Lot! Order any of the classic pranks that you would like us to pull on said enemy, and within 48 hours, your enemy will be publicly humiliated and possibly put into detention! Or you can choose from our unique stock, including: Fade-to-invisible ink: They think they've done their homework, but all the teacher gets is a blank page!, or False Potion ingredients: Watch their potion fizz and bubble while they can't figure out what's wrong!, or Color-Changing Robes: Changes to obnoxious colors and patterns in the middle of the hall! They won't be able to show their face for weeks!**_

_**Classic pranks vary from 6 Sickles to 2 Galleons. Unique pranks: 2-6 Galleons. Just send a letter to the MMM with the money enclosed and we'll get right on it!**_

**How'd you like mine and Prongsie's ad?**

_That was you? You realize that now we'll have tons of letters. I doubt that we'll be able to get to them all within 48 hours. Plus what if it's to prank an innocent person? I can see a Slytherin doing that. Plus, we get in enough trouble with our own pranks, now you want us to be responsible for other people's, too?_

We don't accept Slytherin's letters. And hush up, Moony. At least we get paid to do these pranks.

And now it's time for…you guessed it!...ADVICE FROM THE MAURADERS!!!

**Dear Marauders Monday Magazine, **

I have really red lips and everyone thinks I use lipstick. But I don't use lipstick and I avoid makeup unless I have an ultra red zit on my face. Also people also think I go to a hair salon, my highlights are natural thank you very much. How do I politely tell them they have tiny little brains?

Signed,  
Naturally Lucky in Looks. 

**(The above letter is credited to 'Loha)**

**Dear Looks,**

**It sounds like I have just the answer to your problem! You go out with me! We will be so good looking and together we shall blind them with our complete and utter perfection.**

**Sincerely Sirius-The-Sexy-Beast,**

**P.S. If you really want to be lucky you should go out with me!**

_Dear Ms. Naturally Lucky in Looks,_

_I sympathize with your problem of being surrounded by stupid people…_

**Is he looking at me?**

Probably. But I'd guess he means all three of us, he's just mad at you about the whole Great Hall scandal.

_If I could possibly get on with my response?_

**Sure, go ahead.**

I don't think he was asking, Pads.

**Oh, was he doing that sarcasm thing again?**

I think he might have been, were you, Moony?

_As I said, I'm constantly surrounded by stupid people. As for your question you should calmly tell them to stop being so focused on looks. After all it is only intelligence that truly matters…_

Dear Lucky,

I've decided to interrupt Moony on the grounds that he was putting us all to sleep.

This is what you should do; tell them quite plainly that "you're just jealous of my complete and utter hotness…"

…_you interrupted my empathetic oration about the perils of beauty in an imbecilic society for that…?_

…Uhm…is anyone besides me utterly lost by what he just said?

**I'm totally with you on that, Wormy, I find myself completely missing the point of what Moony just said…**

…_And that's supposed to surprise me?_

ANYWAY, you should completely ignore Moony's advice and go with mine, which is clearly the best.

Sincerely,

James

P.S. Do you know Lily Evans? If so, could you tell her about the brilliant advice I gave you and then recommend she go out with me?

P.P.S. See how sensitive to the female psyche I am?

P.P.P.S Will you go out with me Lily?

Dear Lucky in Looks,

It's important to remember that it doesn't matter what other people think. 

Like James said they're probably just jealous and saying that you use makeup because they don't look nearly as good. I recommend coning out and saying this to them, it should shut them up.

Peter

**Dear Marauders,  
La. There I said it and I feel better for it.  
ANYWAY!  
Okay, My friends and I are insane, But I wanna know which one of us in more insane-er.  
J- She's sarcastic, and likes yelling at people when they do stupid stuff and calls me and idiot. She also Does her fair share of Moronic things, But wont admit it.  
JE- She's just, Well Eccentric would put it nicely, She'll jump up at random times and yell "waffles are GOOD!" and Dance around obsessing over...Can't speak it's too awful  
E- She's The one who will hit you upside the head when you try to conquer the world using a spork. She will out of nowhere, Hug you in a death grip and not let go.  
Me- I try to conquer the world using a spork, Chock full of conspiracy theories, and I can talk to squirrels.  
So do tell Which one of us Is the most Insane-er  
G2G Trying to conquer the world again! MUWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**

**(above letter credited to Compleatly Random Disaster)**

_Hmm, I think this J person sounds like a very right minded individual, I personally don't think she's insane at all. I'd quite like to meet her. Hmm, as for JE, she reminds me of Prongs at least in terms of having an obsession… (note to people unhealthily obsessed with a singular person or object: GET HELP FOR MERLIN'S SAKE) But her randomness reminds me of Padfoot. I also think E sounds fairly sane, when one of my AHEM friends decided to conquer Diagon Alley with the use of a spoinkle I very calmly smacked him over the back of the head and dragged him to the nice ward with the padded walls._

**THEY LOVE ME THERE!**

_Yes, they certainly do. So that leaves it a competition between You and JE hmm, that's like saying who's more insane Sirius or James? Well…I think I'll have to go with You on the grounds that attempting to conquer the world while spouting conspiracy theories will endanger more people then just yourself. Plus, squirrels are evil. Everyone knows that. _

_Sincerely,_

_Moony_

**I think E is the most insane, how rude is that ruining your plans to conquer the world via spork? I'll help you! We shall do it together! Spoinkle will help!**

**-Pads**

I think J is the most insane. Because nobody likes sarcasm. Right Pads?

**Yup, Prongsie.**

-Prongs

I'm going to vote JE, partly because I want to keep the votes even and mostly because I know I'd never be able to take it if we had a combined Sirius and James in a singular person.

Sincerely,

Wormtail

**Dear Marauders,  
I like someone, but he is part of the most popular group in school. I've tried to get him to notice me, but it never works! I've tried sitting next to him in class, the library, and even at meals, but he never even says hello. What do I do?  
Sincerely,  
Loopy in Love**

**(Above letter credited to moonyformoony)**

_Dear Ms. Loopy in Love,_

_I recommend taking a more direct approach, take this boy aside and say to him sincerely "I like you." Explain your feelings to him, he might like you too, and if he doesn't at least you know rather then wondering. I wish you lots of luck._

_Sincerely,_

_Remus Lupin_

Dear Loopy Love,

I have some experience in this arena. I'm not certain if your aware, (you see I'm not obvious about it) but I'm in love with a certain red haired girl named Lily Evans.

_I think you killed Padfoot._

He appears to have hit his head when he fell to the ground laughing.

…_I think he's dead…_

Or brain damaged.

_You mean he wasn't brain damaged before?_

**Hahaha…not obvious…hahahaha…the very idea…hahahaha…**

It's not funny, anyway as I was saying, Loopy, I can tell you that the indirect approach never works, I've stared at Lily for hours…

_And you were surprised when she requested a restraining order?_

What's a restraining order again?

_It's a document that states that you can't go within a certain distance of a certain person._

**Isn't that some Muggle thing? Why not just use a Repelling jinx?**

She did. It took me days to undo it. Ah, but the bruises faded, and it was worth it to be near my Lily-kins again.

Seriously, Prongs, stalker much?

ANYWAY, I was staring at her, quite subtly I might add and she completely ignored me, go all out with this guy use fireworks, killer flobberworms, the whole SHA-BANG!

_Killer Flobberworms?_

Shh, you're going to traumatize Padfoot.

Too late. 

_Is he sucking his thumb?_

Let's just say he had a bad experience. Anyway I advise you to go for the direct approach make it impossible for him to ignore you; because he really does love you he just doesn't know it yet. (like Lily!) If you send me his name I'll help you get him to go out with you, in exchange for a character recommendation to my dearest Lily Evans. Anyway good luck!

James

P.S. Go out with me, Evans?

Dear Loopy in Love,

I don't want to insult my own gender, but we boys tend to be a little thick when it comes to these things, if you want to get this bloke to go out with you need to be direct. He probably likes you, take the leap and tell him how you feel.

Sincerely,

Peter Pettigrew

**Dear Loopy,**

**Forget him! Love meeeeeeee! Everyone looooooooooooves Sirius-I-Am-So-Sexy-Black.**

…_Arrogant much…_

**AHEM, ignoring that rather rude interruption, forget him, date me, (as long as you're not ugly or a Slytherin)…**

_Rude much?_

**Once again I say, AHEM, once you date me he will become jealous and realize how great you are and yada, yada, yada, smooch, smooch…**

…_You never cease to amaze me…_

**Why thank you Moony!**

He's being sarcastic again.

**Oh. Is he?**

I think so.

**We-ll…I'll choose to ignore his so called sarcasm. Honestly Moony you should hold up a little sign, like that wolf thing on that Muggle cartoon…**

It's a coyote. Wily Coyote.

**Yeah, like that Coyote only instead of saying "Yipes" you say "Sarcastic" or "Not Sarcastic" every time you speak.**

…_I won't even dignify that with a response…_

I dunno, Remmie, I'm with Sirius on this, I for one can never tell whether you're being sarcastic or not. What about you, Wormy?

I'm going to have to side with Sirius and James on this one, Moony.

…

**See, Remus, no one can tell when you're Sirius, get it Sirius serious?**

_I'm going to kill you._

I'd advise running.

_10…9…8…_

**Remmie, calm down, Remus…REMUS…**

…_7…6…5…_

To the readers-As you can probably tell our dear sweet Moony is prone to certain violent tendencies…

…_4…3…_

**And that concludes my response, good luck, Loopy…**

…_2…_

Incidentally has anyone seen him run that fast before?

…_1…_

Sirius is so going to die. 

Eh, I just think he'll chop off his hair again.

**NOT MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR! I SWEAR, REMUS, IF YOU SO MUCH AS TOUCH IT…!!**

And just when it was growing back…

Heh, well he could always take advantage of that ad for the hair thing.

And that concludes this weeks issue. Tune in next week, please send any questions, pranks, ads, or editorials to Mauraders Monday Magazine.

A/N Everyone give a big thanks to Immortali my fabulous beta! And also review! Because then I will be motivated to update. Send in any pranks, ads, notes, questions, etc, that you can think of.


	5. December, Sixth Year

**

* * *

**

A/N Hello, my darling readers, I am so sorry about the long wait between updates. I won't bore you with a long list of excuses about how school got in the way. Lol. Anyway, here's the update!

**Thanks to All Reviewers!**

**Dedication: To: Charlie Weasley's Angel, Nancy Jessica and Eli Sivil, 'Loha, Angel Charlotte Ryan, moonyformoony, AroundTheClock, for their contributions to the chapter. **

**Disclaimer: I own nada!**

* * *

_**Key:**_

_**Bold- Sirius  
**__Italicized- Remus__**  
**__Underlined - Peter__**  
**__Regular- James_

_**Bold/Italicized – Lily**_

_**Bold/Italicized/Underlined-Ads/Pranks/Letters asking for advice**__**  
**_**Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. **

**Messrs Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs present the Marauders Monday  
Magazine: A Guide to Life at Hogwarts. (Results may vary).**

* * *

Prank of the Day: (As explained by James Potter and Sirius Black)

**Wait until the day of an important exam.**

Then set the person of your choices clock forward five hours (preferably so that the true time is like four in the morning.)

**Inform them that they over slept and missed the exam.**

Tell them that the professor flipped out and is going to fail them for the entire class and make them repeat the year in school.

**Heh. This one works like a charm…not that I did anything like this…nope, not me, I'm far to innocent for that, I certainly didn't convince Moony he missed his Owl in Transfiguration and was going to have to repeat the whole year. And, James certainly didn't help me…**

Very true, Padfoot! The two of us are far too nice, and uh, responsible to do such a thing, we'd never dream of it!

_I still haven't forgiven you two for that._

**Aww, Remmie, it was all right in the end wasn't it?**

I think the way his eye is starting to twitch like he's some kind of sociopath indicates that Moony feels the answer to be a resounding, 'no.'

Wow, Petey, I didn't know you knew so many big words.

**Hanging out with our resident bookworm was bound to have some sort of effect on him sooner or later.**

Really? Because I haven't noticed any changes in your intelligence levels, Pads.

…**HEY!**

We've decided to switch things up a bit this week and start with…

**I WANNA SAY IT!  
**

_Padfoot, what did I say about interrupting people?_

…**you said something about…I give up…I have no idea what you said…**

You see, my dear Moony, whenever you lecture him Pads simply tunes you out…

**I do remember something that sounded vaguely like: BLAH, BLAH, interrupting, BLAH, BLAH, Rude…and then I think I fell asleep.**

Nah, you didn't fall asleep you started snogging that cute blond sixth year. You fell asleep when he was lecturing you about doing your homework instead of charming it so that it turned into killer paper airplanes that chased Snivellus around. But really, I liked your use for it better.

**Oh! I remember that now! **

_Does no one listen to me?_

Did you say something, Moony?

_ARGH!_

Umm, not to interrupt, (seeing as then I'll have to listen to one of Moony's lectures), but aren't we supposed to be doing something?

…

…

…**Indeed, we are, Petey, it's time for…ADVICE FROM THE MAURADERS! Bring it on! We'll answer your questions so fast you won't know what hit you!**

* * *

_**Dearest Marauders,  
I have a certain...infatuation with music. It's driving me crazy, I can't get enough of it! I actually went into withdrawals after not listening to music for two days straight! At this very moment I am listening to music. My friends say I need to see a therapist. What do I do?  
Most lovingly,  
Around The Clock (question credited to AroundTheClock.)**_

Dear Around the Clock,

…Do you know Lily?

_JAMES! Could you at least pretend like you care about something besides Lily?_

**But, Moony, wouldn't that be LYING? Didn't you tell us lying was WRONG?! Why, I am just shocked and appalled at your behavior! Jamsie, can you believe what our little prefect is suggesting?!**

No, indeed, I cannot, this is so shocking…I don't know you anymore, Remus!

_Oh, please._

Seeing as it doesn't appear my fellow Marauders will be getting around to answering your question anytime soon, (Sirius is currently causing a loud scene about how Remus has lied to him for years, and saying he'll never be able to trust again, Remus is threatening to bash his head in, James is just laughing and pitching in to help Padfoot), I will offer you my advice. 

I won't suggest you give up listening to music since it's clearly something you like; however, perhaps trying to cut back on the amount of time you listen to it will work for you? You stated that you go from withdrawals after not listening to music for two days straight, perhaps a more gradual reduction of your listening time, rather then going cold turkey, will present a reasonable solution. Try only listening to music once you've finished your homework, so that it doesn't distract you. And then gradually lower the amount of time you spend listening to music so that it doesn't have such control over you.

Good luck,

Peter (AKA the only Marauder who is not going to get detention for disrupting the common room at one am.)

**Believe me, Pete, we'll take you down with us if Minnie catches us.**

…_Sirius, what have I told you about accusing other people of things they didn't do?_

Haven't we already gone over the fact that no one listens to you.

**Hey, did we ever answer that question.**

Yeah, I answered it.

Well, that's good enough for me. I hope that helps, Around the Clock.

* * *

_**Dear Marauders,  
My friend is in love with one of the student teachers. Every time he goes near her, she starts whispering to me, "OHMIGOD look how close he is! Think I could touch him quickly?" and things along that line. She calls him her "Greek God" and she scares the teacher quite a bit. He's actually approached me about keeping her away from him!  
How do I make her stop?  
Hugs,  
Frightened of the Love (credited to moonyformoony)**_

_This time we're going to answer right away! I shall force everyone to stay on topic…and I will succeed._

When has anyone ever been able to keep Sirius on topic?

…_I can dream._

**I thought you said we were going to answer the question?**

_Yes, yes, we are._

**Oh, okay! I'll go first!**

**Dear Frightened,**

**I have the perfect solution for you; tell your friend that she's more then welcome to admire my gorgeousness…**

**Tell her that liking a student teacher is just gross, seeing as teachers are all icky and stuff. I hear they carry diseases! THEY HAVE COOTIES, I SWEAR!**

**Once your friend realizes that this student teacher can only transmit all sorts of diseases to her, like COOTIES, and sees my handsome face she will have no choice but to immediately join my fan club and forget all about that guy.**

**Yours truly (especially if you're a cute girl),**

**Sirius Black!**

…_Vain much?_

(As usual Remus was ignored.)

_Was it necessary for you to say that James?_

Yes, the readers need a play-by-play of actions off the paper.

Which is why I make sure to write down what happens when the two of you annoy Moony…or Lily, and the two of them beat the stuffing out of you.

…**I really must remember to thank you for that.**

_(Sirius has a dangerous glint in his eye indicating he plans to show just how 'grateful' he is to Peter in a, uh, interesting way, in the very near future.)_

Anyway, shouldn't someone besides Sirius answer this question, seeing as we might want to offer some legitimate advice?

_Indeed. I'll take it from here._

_Dear Frightened of the Love,_

_I sympathize with your situation; I too have a scary stalker-friend. Cough, James, Cough. Said friend insists on following around a dear friend of mine, cough, Lily, cough. It has become quite disturbing over the past few years. So, I have some advice, when her stalking gets exceedingly creepy simply stun her and drag her back to your dormitory for several hours of attempted detox and/or hypnosis. We've yet to break James of his obsession but we're trying to preserve hope._

_Sincerely,_

_Remus John Lupin_

So, we're going to wrap up this answer before James starts complaining about Moony's perception of his crush, (read stalkerish obsession) with Lily.

**Anyway, good luck to you, we hope our advice helped. (As a side note, mine was the best!)**

* * *

_**Remus and Peter,  
Thank you so much. I tried your advice, and now we are going to go on our first date this weekend! I appreciate it immensely.  
Sirius, I hope your hair grows back soon.  
James, good luck with Lily.**_

_**Sincerely,**_

_**Loopy in Love (credited to moonyformoony.)**_

**Why didn't she appreciate MY advice?! It was clearly the best advice in the lot!**

…Nu-uh, mine was the best!

_Do either of you even remember what your advice was?_

**Well…**

…no, but that's not the point.

Seeing as this can only spew into a thousand word argument between the three of them I am going to interrupt to say you're very welcome, I'm glad the advice helped. Have fun on your date.

_Yes, have a nice time._

**(I'd like to take a moment to thank you for your concern about my hair, it's growing back quite nicely actually, I managed to get the dye out, and I no longer have any bald spots...no thanks to Moony.)**

_I'll give you some if you don't shut your trap._

I don't think I've ever seen Sirius stop talking that fast or just stop talking at any point…ever. As a side note, thanks for your wish of good luck, I am sure that my Lilyflower will accept me soon especially after seeing the amount of support we have as a couple!!

_Keep telling yourself that._

I will. After all the 7,859,456,379 time is the charm!

**Don't ask why the numbers are so high, James is rather sensitive about it.**

* * *

_**Dear M,  
I know this really nice girl in Ravenclaw, but her best friend is my enemy. I have tried to give her things and be really sweet but my enemy is giving her money. I want her to be happy, and be my friend. What should I do?  
- Jessi Sivil (credited to Jessica.)**_

**Is her friend a Slytherin?**

_I hardly think that's the point._

If that's not the point then I don't know what is.

_You wouldn't. You don't get the point of anything besides pranks, Lily, and Qudditch._

**He says that like it's a bad thing…**

Anyway, in response to your question, it sounds like you need to tell this girl that you're concerned about the way her friend acts…tell her you're only worried about her. Hopefully this will work, she may get mad at first though, seeing as this person is her best friend. However, she'll probably appreciate that you explained to her how you feel. I hope this helps. –Peter

* * *

_**Dear Marauders,  
I have a problem, hence why I'm writing. I have two friends that I'm really close to. The problem is that they hate each other. I've tried getting them to work out their differences but they can't seem to do that... I don't know what to do. Help me?  
Sincerely,  
Friend-Annoyed (credited to Angel-luvs-Remus.)**_

_Dear Friend-Annoyed,_

_It sounds as though you're caught between a rock and a hard place…_

**When did she say she was stuck somewhere?**

_Idiots…I'm dealing with idiots…_

_Anyway, _(for those of you who didn't catch on he's going to ignore Sirius.) _Since these two are your friends, I recommend sitting them down and explaining to them that it really upsets you to see them fighting. Hopefully if they realize that their behavior is hurting you they'll be wiling to finally work out their differences._

_Sincerely, _

_Remus Lupin_

* * *

**And, if that doesn't work out, you're welcome to meet me on the Astronomy tower for a nice snog to get your mind off your problems (as long as you're not a Slytherin. Not that a Slytherin could get past our rigorous screening process in the first place.)**

**Come one, come all, to the Marauder's Comedy Corner! Here we shall express our deepest thoughts through jokes, comparisons, and poems!**

**First I present my Ode to Snivellus:**

**AKA You Know You're A Greasy Git When (suggested by Black Arts and Unicorns.)**

**10. You leave grease stains on your exam paper.**

**9. Paper airplanes of DOOM follow you everywhere.**

**8. Greasy- adj. 1 a: smeared or soiled with grease **_**greasy**_** hair b: oily in appearance, texture, or manner his **_**greasy**_** smile c: slippery2: containing an unusual amount of grease (enough said.)**

**7. Git-person who is deemed to be despicable or contemptible…**

**6. Even skunks go around you because your hair is so greasy it's clear you haven't showered in years.**

**5. Even the professors can't hide the fact that the sight of your hair makes them want to puke.**

**4. There is a betting poll dedicated to voting on how much longer you'll go without a shower.**

**3. …And the lowest bet is three to five years.**

**2. You're in Slytherin.**

**1. And the number one reason…**(drum roll)**….your name is…**(you'll never guess this!)…** Severus Snape.**

You're wrong, Sirius.

**About what?**

The number one reason is HE INSULTED MY LILY-FLOWER!!

**Anyway, we would love it if you, our lovely readers, would write in with your suggestions for this column seeing as we've decided it will be an ongoing one. Also, we're willing to switch it up and make lists for other people (ie. You know you've developed a deep-seated fear of children after prolonged contact with the Marauders when…) **

* * *

_The Marauder's Comedy Corner presents their finest jokes! (The idea for corny magical jokes was suggested by Black Arts and Unicorns.) _

**Knock-Knock**

Who's there?

**Are you?**

Are you who?

**Are you **_**serious**_**?**

No, silly, that's you!

_Are you seriously telling that joke again?_

**Yes, I siriusly am!**

_Will someone please kill me now? _

_It wouldn't be a crime; really, it would be like a mercy killing._

* * *

Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?**  
**To improve his bite...

_What'd you guys do, put down the cheesiest jokes you could think of?_

**That would be the gist of it, yes.**

* * *

**How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?  
**With scare spray...

_You two are going to hav__e a mob of unhappy witches attacking you for that one._

* * *

What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?  
A fur coat that fangs around your neck...

**(As a side note werewolves are really just misunderstood, they're very nice, really, if you just take the time to get to know them. And they're harmless really, just like a big puppy! Not that I've ever seen one of course…)**

_(I have to agree with Padfoot here, it is truly a tragedy of wizarding culture that werewolves are isolated from society just because of something that happens once a month.)_

(Defense of werewolves suggested by Black Arts and Unicorns)

* * *

Why was the skeleton afraid to cross the road?

It had no guts!

_Do these jokes get any better?_

…**that depends on how you define 'better.'**

* * *

And here's one for our dear Professor Binns!

What do ghosts add to their morning cereal?

_**Boo**_**berries!**

_Binns is going to find this magazine, be horribly offended and fail us all._

**As we've told you many times before, if any teacher finds this magazine we will have far more to worry about then failing.**

_Thanks I feel soo much better now._

**You're welcome!**

I think he was being sarcastic again.

**Was he really?**

_What did I do to deserve this? Really? Have I offended some god somewhere? _

**Hey! I've got another one for Binnsy!**

_You're calling him 'Binnsy?'_

**Yes…**

What's the joke?

**Oh, yeah, it's "what does a ghost get when he falls and scrapes his knee?"**

A boo-boo!

* * *

How do you make a witch scratch?

Take away the W!

_You are soo going to get murdered by an angry mob of witches…_

* * *

**Why was the witch kicked out of Hogwarts?**

Because she failed _spelling!_

_If they weren't going to kill you before they're definitely going to now._

* * *

**Why do witches think they're funny?**

Because every time they look in the mirror it cracks up!

(Unless the witch in question is my Lily-flower, because then it sings her praises!)

_I'm not even going to comment. I will say I hope your life insurance is paid up, however._

* * *

Why don't witches like to ride their broom when they're angry?

**They're afraid of flying off the handle.**

_If any of you witches want to kill my friends I won't stand in your way. In fact I'll give you their schedules, so you can find them faster._

And that is the end of Comedy Corner's Weekly Jokes. Feel free to send in any suggestions!

* * *

**And now a word from our sponsors!**

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And MORE! Call 5-643-8629 or say Sweets and treats to the picture of the founders on the 5th floor.**_

_**(The above ad was suggested by Nancy, Jessica, and Eli Siv…)**_

* * *

_**Are you surrounded by complete idiots?**__(YES! FINALLY SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS ME!)_

_**Have you seriously thought about killing them? You need the newest book by the bestselling Killer Anonymous, KILLING DUMMIES FOR FUN AND SANITY. It offers a step by step guide for how to kill different dummies, emotionally and/or physically.  
Some of the different dumbies it shows how to kill are:  
The Idiot Oggler  
The Won't Take No For Answer Lovesick Buffoon**_**(Better be careful James, Lily may get some ideas…)**_**  
The Annoying Moron  
The What Does this Button Do? Dumbie **_

_**The I Want My Way Too Stupid Too Mention Toy Back Idiot**_ _(cough Sirius cough…)__**  
The I Am WAY Too Obsessed With Something Idiot**_ (cough Sirius and Spoinkle cough, cough James and Lily cough)  
_**The O Fire Crazy Person  
And much, much more!  
For instance, you can kill an Idiotic Oggler by disguising yourself as a beautiful woman, wait until he gets close then you take out a comb that's actually a knife and kill him. Or order our Instant Knockout Perfume and while he is asleep, dress him like a girl and hang him on a Quidditch goal post.  
For a limited time order the book and get the Instant Knockout Perfume half off. Guaranteed to work or your money back. The book is a mere five sickles and the perfume a mere six sickles, regular price. Let the thrill of the hunt begin!**_

_**(The above ad was suggested by the ever brilliant **_

'_**Loha)**_

_

* * *

_

__

_**ARE YOU READY FOR THE GREATEST INNOVATION SINCE THE SPOINKLE?**_

**(YES!) **(_I really don't like where this is going…)_

_**The makers of Spoinkle bring you the SPORFLE, a combination of a spork and a spoinkle! It is available in twelve designer colors including but not limited to red, green, orange, indigo, pink, purple, gold, silver and black. With the optional wand holder/DVD player.**_

**(I MUST HAVE THE SPORFLE!)**

_**(The above ad was suggested by AroundTheClock!)**_

* * *

_Thank you for reading this week's edition of the Marauders Monday Magazine!_

Please hit the purple button to offer comments for our magazine, send in any ads, jokes, pranks, and article suggestions, and we will include them in the magazine.

**Until next time…**

…This has been Prongs, **Padfoot, **_Moony, _and Wormtail

**A/N Anyways, do as the Marauders have said and review!**


	6. January, Sixth Year

* * *

A/N Hello my lovely readers, I apologize for the long wait, but I have returned with an update, a very long update. This update is brought to you by Christmas Break. So, happy holidays everyone!

**Thanks to all Reviewers!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

**Dedication: To ElementUchihaMaster, 'Loha, OrchidBreeze of FireClan, rememberseverydreamIeverhad, ariex, moonyformoony, AroundTheClock, and killing u with umbrellas for their contributions to this chapter.**

* * *

_**Key:**_

_**Bold- Sirius  
**__Italicized- Remus__**  
**__Underlined - Peter__**  
**__Regular- James_

_**Bold/Italicized – Lily**_

_**Bold/Italicized/Underlined-Ads/Pranks/Letters asking for advice  
**_**Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. **

**Messrs Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs present the Marauders Monday  
Magazine: A Guide to Life at Hogwarts. (Results may vary).**

* * *

Prank of the Day (As explained by James Potter and Sirius Black):

**Hello, my darlings, and welcome to the Prank of the Day! **

Before explaining the Prank we are required by law and Moony to release the following disclaimer 'Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, Sirius Black, and James Potter, henceforth known as the Marauders, are not responsible for any loss of self confidence, loss of limb, or loss of life that may result from using any of their pranks, furthermore, in the most 'official' sense of the term, we do not condone the use of any of these pranks on your fellow students **(we're obligated to say this for legal reasons, however…), **therefore in the event that your use of any of the pranks or ideas suggested within the pages of this magazine is not the responsibility of the Marauders.'

**Basically, we're totally covered if you blow up the school. So, feel free to do your worst, and if everything goes to hell in a hand basket we're free to watch the show with complete plausible deniability.**

Wow, Pads, I never knew you were so well versed in the subtleties of wizarding law legalities.

_He's well versed in anything that could be used for delinquent purposes. How do you think he got to be the top of our year in Transfiguration and Charms? It sure wasn't by studying._

**Why, my dear Moony, are you implying that I, Sirius Black, do not take my studies seriously except for the express purpose of wreaking havoc?**

I don't think he implied anything, mate, he came right out and said it.

_Right you are Prongs._

Uh, guys? Aren't we supposed to be doing something? 

Oh, yes, yes we are. Pads and I are supposed to be relating the Prank of the Day.

**How is it that we always end up so badly off topic?**

_Well, with your ADHD tendencies I hardly think it's something to wonder about…_

**Huh?**

_It's a muggle thing._

**Oh. Okay, moving on, James, I do believe it's time for us to relate the Prank of the Day.**

Indeed it is,

**Prank of the Day:**

1. Steal schedule of second year Hufflepuff.

**2. Steal schedule of seventh year Slytherin.**

3. Switch the schedules.

**4. Confund both the Hufflepuff and the Slytherin. Make sure they are absolutely convinced that they are in the right classroom.**

5. Sit back and enjoy the show. Preferably from under an invisibility cloak, if hypothetically, you happened to posses one.

**Now that we've successfully corrupted and quite possibly destroyed your futures, we're going to offer you some advice which will most likely only corrupt your further and quite possibly scar you for life, but hey, there's nothing like a little life scarring to brighten the mood!**

* * *

So, as you've probably guessed, it is time for ADVICE FROM THE MARAUDARS!

_At this time, we'd like to stress, once again, that results may vary, and we are in no way responsible for anything that happens as a result of your actions after reading out magazine._

Anyway, here's the first letter:

_**Dear Marauders,  
I am a...well, to put it bluntly, a grammar Nazi.  
I cannot go an entire day without correcting at LEAST one person's grammatical errors and it annoys me to no end when someone uses 'chatspeak' in an every day conversation (such as LOL, TTYL, TTFN, BRB, etc.). My question to you is, what is the appropriate way to calmly correct their grammar while trying to suppress the urge to rip their hearts out and stomp them into the ground?  
Sincerely,  
A Grammar Freak**_

_**(Letter by Around the Clock)**_

_Dear Grammar Freak,_

_I sympathize with you immensely in this respect. I have fought a constant uphill battle with my friends to teach them the proper reverence and respect that is due to the English language. However, they have rebuffed all my kind offers to help, with what I am beginning to believe is pretended stupidity (I mean there is only so many times I can correct James' Me and Sirius, with Sirius and I, before I begin to think his response of 'I meant myself and Sirius, not yourself and Sirius' begins to seem like a sick prank for his own twisted amusement), but I digress. Anyway, returning to your question, normally, I would suggest calmly correcting their grammar, but as that has gotten me absolutely no where in the past few years, I am recommending the use of brute force. Think of it as operant conditioning, or positive punishment, basically every time your friend does something you don't like ie. Uses bad grammar, you apply a painful or unwanted stimulus ie. you hit them over the back of the head. In this way you can train your friends (like Skinner trained rats and Pigeons) to use correct grammar._

_Sincerely,_

_Remus J. Lupin_

**Okay, hands up, who's scared of Moony, right now?**

Me.

Me.

Um, Grammar Nazi? Yeah, I am kind of too afraid to address your question properly as Remus is really scary at the moment. So, yeah. Just do whatever he wants.

**Ditto. (Even though I don't really think grammar is such a big deal that it is worth killing over…)**

Same here.

So, next question!

_If I'd known it was this easy to scare you three into silence I would've tried it a long time ago._

Yeah, well, don't let it go to your head.

**I, Sirius Black, WILL NOT BE SILENCED!**

And, that is perhaps why it is always you, Sirius Black, who Moony ends up putting in the Hospital Wing.

Moving on, let's get to the next question shall we?

* * *

__

**Dear Marauders,  
As you have probably gathered, I have a problem. It might be a little hard for you to help me, seeing as you're Gryffindors and it will probably be hard to relate.  
Anyway, I'm a Muggle-Born Gryffindor, and my best friend's in Slytherin. No one can see why we hang out, but I can take the teasing. The real problem is that I'm worried that he won't be able to take the teasing because he's more sensitive than I am. I really want to preserve this friendship, so please don't tell me to ditch him. He's a really nice guy, he isn't interested in the Dark Arts and doesn't care about me being Muggle-Born. What should I do?  
Sincerely,  
Bigotry Fighter**

Dear Bigotry Fighter,

Because I sense that you really and trully need advice. I have stolen James' and Sirius' quills so that you can get said advice without their useless input. I have also taken their wands and tied them up in the corner but that is another story. Anyway, if this friendship is that important to you I suggest you talk with him about the teasing, and perhaps confront the people who are doing the teasing, let them know that you don't appreciate it. And, if you have to go to a professor to make people stop teasing you then so be it, it will be worth it to preserve your friendship. Although, if your friend is really as nice as you say he is, and values his friendship with you as much as you obviously do he will probably find the srength to ignore the teasing. I hope this helped you a little.

Good Luck,

Remus J. Lupin

_**

* * *

**_

_**Marauders-  
I am an insomniac (That means it's nearly impossible for me to fall asleep, Sirius). My mom's very worried about it and tries to make me go to bed earlier, but that just means that, when I DO get 2-3 hours of sleep, I'll just wake up in the middle of the night and be even more tired the next day. How do I tell her that going to bed earlier doesn't help without her getting angry?  
From, **_

Monster in the Closet

_**(letter by moony_for_moony)**_

**Mmph.**

Darn. The readers have gone and gotten him upset again. Who's going to have to ask this time? (Remus…)

Yes, who? (Remus…)

_Why is it that I am always the one who is expected to ask what's wrong whenever anyone is upset?_

Because, you're way more like, empathetic then Me, or James, or Sirius.

What he said.

**I'm so glad that my dear, dear, friends are all so caring about what has upset me.**

Did he just use sarcasm in a semi-effective manner?

_I believe he did. Shocking…_

He's been spending too much time around you, Moony.

Snap out of it, Padfoot! I will not loose another friend to the evil of SARCASM!

_Anyway, what's wrong with you this time, Padfoot?_

**Why does everyone assume I don't know what big words mean? I know what insomnia is! **

Only because you get it every time James makes you hit your head and tries to cover it up by giving you a bunch of caffeine. 

Resulting in a scarily hyper wide awake!Sirius whom instills fear in the hearts of first years…and James.

**Nevertheless, I still know what insomnia is.**

_Did you ever stop to consider that the reader was only being considerate of your status as a pureblood and _

_perhaps thinking that you would not know what insomnia is because as a wizard you could always just get a Dreamless Sleep Potion?_

**Meh.**

Alright, now that Moony has Padfoot's latest hissy fit sorted out let's return to answering the question.

**I resent that.**

_Anyway, ignoring Padfoot, my dear 'Monster under the Bed,' I suggest going to the library and researching insomnia, _

_you can then take your research to your Mother and show her that when it comes to Insomnia going to bed earlier is unhelpful. _

_Your research will probably lead suggestions as to what is helpful in reducing insomnia so that you can get more sleep. _

_Remember, the answer is always in the library!_

_Sincerely,_

_Remus J. Lupin_

**Monster,**

**I suggest either a Dreamless Sleep Potion (which works well for me, whenever the ahem, administration of this school decides that knocking me out until I work out the caffeine James game me is the best solution…) or ingesting large amounts of caffeine in the morning before your mom wakes up so that you will no longer appear tired and she will stop trying to make you go to sleep earlier.**

**Sirius O. Black**

Monster Under The Bed,

I suggest joining your house's Quidditch team (if you're good and in Gryffindor I really suggest doing this, and if you suck really badly and you're in Slytherin I suggest joining your house team even more!) See, with the rigorous practice schedules most Quidditch teams have…

**Rigorous? HAH! More like slave-driving.**

AHEM! With the amount of time you will spend practicing it is likely that you will become so tired that you will just fall asleep. I find that working to near exhaustion is enough to overcome even the worst insomnia. (and Padfoot, if you would like to continue our five year winning streak, you will accept my practice schedule. And, if you wouldn't like to continue our winning streak, I don't care; you will come to practice anyway.)

**See, how psychotic he gets over Quidditch? It's rather scary. I mean I love Quidditch. But that doesn't mean I want to play it every free minute I have for the rest of my sad, unfortunate life.**

Anyway, I hope that helped,

James H. Potter

Meh, I don't really have anything to add to these responses, as I think that (for once) Sirius and James have given good advice. And, well, Moony's advice is always good. So, good luck, with your insomnia and your mother.

**So, on to the next question!**

* * *

_**Dear future residents of Azkaban prison, excluding Remus of course,**_

_**Can you please, prank Potter for me, by like, using Silencio on him or something, and not letting him undo it? I could really use the peace and quiet. And, his stalking and daily attempts to ask me out are getting a bit old.**_

_**Sincerely,**_

_**Lily Evans**_

_**P.S. No, Potter, I will not go out with you. And no, means no, not maybe, no, not at some point in the distant future, no as in NO, I will NEVER go out with you.**_

_**(The idea for the above letter is credited to ariex)**_

Look at her beautiful handwriting! My Lilyflower, has such wonderful penmanship and such a way with words…

**Prongs, I don't know if you noticed, being caught up in Lily's handwriting and everything, but she wrote in to ask us to prank you? She wants you to shut up and stop stalking her… It doesn't exactly sound like a marriage proposal.**

NEVERTHELESS, she wrote to us! Look at my name in her beautiful handwriting.

_She wrote 'Potter' and it kind of looks like her hand was shaking from anger when she wrote this._

Meh.

**Also, Evans, I resent the notion that I will be a future resident of Azkaban jail; I would never go to jail. Because, even if I did something worthy of going to jail I would never be stupid enough to let them catch me. So there.**

_Lily, I can try to shut him up for you, or at least get him out of the common room, but I doubt Silencio will work, I've used it on him and Sirius so many times that they can undo it nonverbally. So short of stealing his wand and Sirius' and Peter's because both of them would undo it for him, I don't think Silencio will do the trick. However, I know several charms which are good for establishing a silent bubble around you so that you can't hear anything that is being said. I've often employed it to tune out Sirius and James. I won't list it hear, because they still haven't figured out what it is, and once they do it will be quick work for them to find a counter-jinx thus ruining my only escape from Sirius' inane rambles about his stupid yoyo and James' stalkerish speeches about you. Anyway, I'll tell you the spell during a Prefect rounds. _

_Sincerely your friend,_

_Remus J. Lupin_

**I, SIRIUS BLACK, will still not be silenced, and I, SIRIUS BLACK, will find the counter charm to your stupid silence jinx! (And it is a spoinkle, Susan Penolope Spoinkle Puff-Black)**

I, JAMES POTTER, am in agreement with you, SIRIUS BLACK, and I, JAMES POTTER, will join you, SIRIUS BLACK, in finding the counter charm to your, REMUS LUPIN'S, jinx!

**BWHAHHAAHAHA!**

Uh, yeah, moving on…

* * *

_**Dear Marauders,  
I feel terribly insulted. No creature has ever bitten me. I could spend an entire year in a mosquito breeding ground with no form of repellent and never be bitten. A starving basilisk would say that they would rather have cold meat as opposed to me despite living somewhere deep underground with no heat source(cold blooded). Any werewolf on a full moon would rather be scratching behind their ears for then have me join their ranks. Usually this wouldn't be an issue, in fact any person I've told thinks I am lucky, but I'm jealous that the animals find them appetizing but turn away from me. A friend of mine thinks that they think I'm too nice, and would feel guilty if they broke my skin. Do you know of any way I could receive my first bite or at least understand why it insults me?**_

_**Thanks you for reading with love and pleading,**_

_**MissNeverBeenBit**_

_**(The above letter is by rememberseverydreamIeverhad)**_

**Dear NeverBeenBit,**

**Honestly, I don't understand WHY you would want to be bit. Take it from someone that mosquitos and other such insects seem to swarm to, the last thing you want to do is be attractive to insects. I think you perhaps want to be bitten because it would place you on common ground with your friends. However, if you were to start being bit you probably wouldn't like it very much. You know what they say, the grass is always greener on the other side and all that rubbish. But, if you really and truly want to get bit I suggest covering yourself in sugar, you'll have every mosquito in London after you in no time.**

**Sincerely,**

**Sirius O. Black**

Dear NeverBeenBit,

Haha. It's true Padfoot is always getting bit, you would think the mosquitoes have some sort of vendetta against him. And, also he's highly allergic to them so every time he gets bit the bite swells up to the size of my fist! It's really cool. Especially when they bite his face! You should say how traumatized he gets! It is soo funny. In fact this one time, on April Fool's Day…

**NO! Don't tell them about that! And, Prongs, I can't believe you would reveal my allergy to everyone, if any Slytherins read this they'll have the perfect return prank. If I find myself followed by a swarm of mosquitoes after this is published I will be revealing your darkest secrets in the next issue…don't think I won't.**

I'd be scared if I were you, Prongs…

Meh.

_Anyway, I think Padfoot actually gave some legitimate advice this time so, we'll just move onto the next question._

* * *

_**Dear Maurauders,  
You've been giving people wonderful advice. But now, I have some advice for you. Sirius, you need to stop thinking about snogging girls and quidditch 24/7. Can't mix it up a bit? Take up a new hobby like acting, singing, inventing, scrap-booking, or sniffing glue. Remus, you are a nice guy and very responsible, but you need to go have fun. Here are some examples, go on a date, play a clown at little kids parties, get creative and learn how to play an instrument or arrange flowers, or if bloody fun is more you thing, order KILLING DUMMIES FOR FUN AND SANITY, by Killer Anonymous. Peter , you need to start gaining the respect of those around you. Mentoring a younger student or becoming as news reporter is a good way of getting respect. Or you can do something different than the rest of you friends are doing. Go skydiving, write a novel, join an aerobics class, or become a ninja. James, you need to either get over Lily or impress her. Since I know you won't do the former, here are some ideas to impress her. Become a gentleman, learn to do ballet, join a yoga class, write an apology letter to Snape, and writing some non love poems are all good starts. Another good thing to do is to watch Oprah, muggles love Oprah, and Lily is muggle born. You can also ask her dad for permission to date her. It will give you points with her parents if you do it right, and if they like you, they'll encourage their lovely daughter to give you a chance.  
Sincerely, 'loha**_

_**(The above letter is credited to 'Loha)**_

**Dear 'loha,**

**I, SIRIUS BLACK, do think about other things besides snogging girls and quidditch. And, I, SIRIUS BLACK, am very offended that you forgot the think I think about the most, PRANKING PEOPLE, I spend at least 51% of my time thinking of pranks, 15% of my time thinking about my friends, 13% thinking about quidditch, 10% of my time thinking about snogging girls, 4% of my time thinking about food, 3.5% of my time thinking about getting out of trouble, 3% of my time brooding about my stupid pureblood family, 2% of my time thinking about miscellaneous things, 1.25% of my time thinking about my hair, and .25% of my time thinking about homework. So, you can see that I am a clearly complex person, and I clearly think about many things, other the quidditch and snogging girls.**

**But I thank you for your concern and I will perhaps consider taking up a new activity such as singing during the time I have dedicated to miscellaneous activities,**

**Sincerely, **

**Sirius O. Black**

And, you always said he never thinks about school work!

_He spends 3.6 minutes of every day thinking about school work, I hardly think that counts._

Technically, 3.6 minutes is still some amount of time.

_Whatever._

_Dear 'Loha,_

_I do have fun. I find the time I spend in the library to be an enriching and rewarding experience. However, I do enjoy an occasional change to my schedule, so I will look into this Killing Dummies book, as it sounds like an enjoyable read, also, I feel that I will perhaps find something I can use on my friends in it,_

_So thank you,_

_Remus J. Lupin_

Dear 'Loha,

Um, thanks for the suggestion I guess. I mean I already kind of am a news reporter what with my work hear at MMM. But, I guess I could look into something new…I'm not sure what really, I don't have many hobbies. And, as a rule I'm not fond of first years they're quite twitchy. Yeah, so I'm not sure I'd want to mentor them. Maybe, I'll join a club though.

_The Gobstones team is recruiting. You might like that, Peter. You've always been pretty good at them._

Yeah, maybe I'll join the Gobstones team.

Anyway, thanks for the suggestions,

Peter Pettigrew

Dear 'Loha,

I am of course willing to consider _any_ advice that will get me closer to my Lilyflower,

_Which explains your listening to Sirius' plans._

ANYWAY, I will of course disregard your first bit of advice about giving up on Lily. Because that's so never going to happen. But I think I will take your advice about apologizing to Snivellus.

**WHAT?!**

I think Sirius passed out.

_I think he's dead. But that's beside the pint, James, if you're planning to apologize to Snape calling him Snivellus is only going to create something else for you to apologize for._

No, I've got this, Moony, I totally know how to apologize to Snivellus. Hey, Sirius, wake up, you'll want to see this.

**I don't know if my heart can take it.**

Dear Snivellus,

I'm sorry you were born such a greasy git.

And that you've never heard of shampoo.

And that there always seems to be a professor around when I'm just getting to my really good jinxes.

Sincerely,

James H. Potter

So, 'Loha, do you think that will impress my Lilyflower?! I said sorry and everything.

_I don't think that was quite what she was getting at._

**Well, I thought it was quite brilliant.**

_You would._

I think I will also try contacting her Dad, all parents like me, except Sirius' but well, that's a different story.

**Meh. They don't like me either.**

Anyway, thanks for the advice, we'll certainly take it into account.

* * *

_**Hey guys, I have a question. Why do you guys keep on throwing dungbombs on my bed? Also, prongs, Lily practically paid me 2 galleons to tell me to tell you to stop stalking her. Will you, please? You rant all the time about her at night, even at sleep! **_

a concerned fellow roommate, Chang.

_**(The above question is by ElementalUchihaMaster)**_

**We have a room mate?**

We have a room mate?

_Yes. Well, actually we have two room mates, there's Frank and then there's Chang both of whom you two have pretty much ignored for the past few years… Well, except for when, you, Padfoot, insist on waking them up loudly every Christmas shouting that Santa came._

**Good times, Good times.**

Shouldn't we answer his question? I mean he is our room mate, we do at least owe him an answer.

**Well, we keep throwing dung bombs on your bed because well, we kind of forgot you existed. And, we find your bed to be a convenient storage sight for our dung bombs. And our other pranking devices. In fact, there may or may not be an explosive device anchored to the bottom of your bed which will blow up if you so much as sneeze. Or it could be Frank's bed. You might want to warn him. And check on that. In the spirit of class mate camaraderie I decided to warn you. See how nice I can be?**

Anyway, in answer to the second part of your question…no I will not stop stalking, I mean, um, showing up throw completely random happenstance at the same places as Lily. And what do I say about Lily in my sleep. Do I mention any smart sounding plans to ask her out? Do you have any suggestions about how I can be successful in that endeavor? Huh? HUH?

Let's just move on shall we? 

* * *

_And now for a word from our sponsors:_

_**"Have you any roommates who never sleep? Do they refuse to even let you sleep? Have you been wondering a way to get back at them? **_

Then buy the "Prank a Dormer" book! Costs only 10 sickles, and includes over 90 effective ways to get rid of your roommates constant bickering! contact Chang today! (P.S. Padfoot, your little yo-yo is toast.)

_**(the above ad is by ElementUchihaMaster)**_

**How. Dare. He.**

_I sense a dramatic monologue is coming on..._

10 galleons says he threatens Chang with bodily harm and declares that he never "liked the looks of that guy," even though he didn't even realize Chang existed until like a minute ago.

We knew he existed we just thought he was a Hufflepuff.

**HE IS NOW HUFFLEPUFF! HUFFLEPUFFS ARE KIND, CARING PEOPLE! CHANG IS A DIRTY UNDERHANDED SLYTHERIN SPY! AND I WILL HAVE VENGEANCE, I WILL HAVE JUSTICE, I, SIRIUS BLACK, WILL PROTECT MY SPOINKLE! HOW DARE HE?! I WILL SEE JUSTICE! BWHAHAHAHA! I KNOW WHERE YOU SLEEP CHANG! I KNOW! SLEEP WITH ONE EYE OPEN, CHANG! BECAUSE WHENEVER YOU TURN YOUR BACK I WILL BE THERE WAITING TO DO YOU IN! MWHAHAHAHAHAAHAA! MWHAHAHAHAHA!**

Is he done yet?

**You know Prongs, I told you waaay back in first year that I never liked the look of the Chang. Didn't I? DIDN'T I? And I was right! WASN'T I? I'm a very good judge of people you know. That's how come my whole family hates me. And, that's why you, and Peter, and Remus are my best friends, but don't let it go to your heads. **

I was right. 

_Yes, Yes, Peter you were right._

**WHY, why did I warn him about the explosives in his bed? I never should have done that. Darn it. Well, I, SIRIUS BLACK, will get that two-faced double crosser back for his threats against Susie.**

_Um, doesn't he realize that I threaten Susie at least once a day?_

I don't think now is really the best time to remind him of that.

Yes, well, let's move on shall we? Before Sirius becomes anymore violent…

Yes, well, after that little display perhaps it's time we move onto the comedy styling's of the Marauders.

* * *

It's time for, you guessed it: The Marauder's Comedy Corner:

**Knock, knock**  
Who's there?  
**You know**  
You know who?  
**Exactly! AVADA KEDAVRA!**

**(The above joke is credited to killing you with umbrellas)**

* * *

**Knock, Knock  
**Who's there?  
**Dragon!**  
Dragon who?  
**Dragon your feet again!**

_Am I doomed to face your lame jokes for the rest of my days?_

**Pretty much.**

* * *

Knock, Knock  
**Who's there?!  
**Boo !**  
Boo who?  
**Just Boo! I'm a ghost!

_Somebody kill me please…_

**So that you can be a ghost and tell such fabulous jokes also?**

_Yes, that's exactly why, Padfoot, once again you managed to hit the nail right on the head._

**This next one is for you Jamesie!**

* * *

**Knock, Knock**

Who's there?

**James!**

James who?

**James people play!**

Um, gee, thanks Padfoot.

**And I have one for Peter, too!**

* * *

**Knock, Knock**  
Who's there?  
**Peter!  
**Peter who?  
**Peter bread and butter!**

_These jokes just get better and better._

**Really?**

_No._

**

* * *

**

Why did the wizard wear a yellow robe to the Halloween party?

He was going as a banana!

* * *

**What do wizards stop for on the motorway?**  
**Witch**hikers!

_I just have one question, what did I ever do to you?_

**Well, you insulted Susie, you threaten to kill me on a fairly regular basis, there was the one time you tried to throw me off the astronomy tower, and that other time when you CHOPPED MY HAIR OFF…**

I think he meant it to be a rhetorical question.

* * *

Where's the best place to drink polyjuice potion?  
**In the Changing room. (1)**

We did have fun with that polyjuice potion in first year…

**AHEM.**

I mean hypothetically of course.

* * *

There once was a Slytherin beater  
Who was truly the most dreadful cheater  
If another teams chaser  
Could clearly outpace her  
She'd change into a dragon, and eat her. (1)

**Good one, Prongsie!**

* * *

What has fourteen legs and can't fly for toffee?  
**The Hufflepuff Quidditch Team. (1)**

_So, you're trying to alienate all the house teams now?_

Yup.

* * *

**Knock, Knock**  
Who's there?  
**Sirius**  
Sirius who?  
**Sirius-ly open the door**

_Do you guys know how some jokes never get old? _

**Yeah…**

_Well, the ones about your name get old real fast, somewhere around five minutes into the train ride first year._

**Moving on, it is time for the list of the day!!!**

* * *

You know you've developed a deep seated fear of children from prolonged contact with the Marauders when…

**10. You hear anything beginning with the word M, and run screaming in the other direction before you even hear what the other person has to say.**

9. You walk up twenty flights of stairs just to avoid running into any children.

_8. You actually make a Marauder a prefect, in the hopes that he will be able to exercise control over his "scarier" friends._

7. You throw yourself at Professor Dumbledore's feet begging for mercy when you see your new class list.

**6. You huddle in the corner of your classroom, curled into a ball, under your desk, and sob for the entire period when you find out that yes, all the Marauders passed their Owls, and yes, you are going to have to teach them for another three years.**

5. You are considering supporting legislation which would call for the imprisonment of all children.

_4. You let students, especially the Marauders, out of detention simply to avoid being in their presence any longer._

3. When you get offered fifty thousand galleons a year to teach at Hogwarts, you say you'd rather live in a box on the street.

**2. You can often be found rocking back and forth while whispering, things like 'the ceiling was there and then it was just gone' (2), or then they just conjured a pirate ship, out of no where, (3).**

_**And the number one reason…**_

1. You would rather die then be alone with one of the Marauders.

**

* * *

**

Anyway, that concludes this week's edition of the Marauder's Monday Magazine.

Please hit the stupid rectangular button which has replaced the wonderful periwinkle button and send us any comments, questions, advertisements, jokes, pranks, and article suggestions that you may have.

Until Next time…

…_This has been Moony, _Wormtail_, _**Padfoot**_, and _Prongs_!_

**

* * *

**

A/N Anyway, due as the Marauder's said and review.

**(1) None of these jokes are made up by me, they are ones I have either heard before, or found on websites.**

**(2) For more on the disappearing ceiling prank orchestrated by the Marauders see the story I and do I need a pen name co-authored together, under the name SiRiUsLyPiNkAnDgReEn. It is called Si Festci Nega! If you did it Deny it! Also, check out our story Muggle Studies, under the same name which features the Marauders doing 'dangerous' activities such as bowling.**

**(3) For more on the pirate ship check out my story I'm FINE.**

**Anyway, REVIEW. I gave you seventeen pages in word, and 5,000+ words, so now everyone give me a review. :) **


	7. February, Sixth Year

**A/N Hello, my darling readers, I apologize immensly for the enormous wait for this story. But as today June 22, is my birthday you should all spare my life. 'Kay thanks!**

**Thanks to all Reviewers!**

**Dedication: To everyone who contributed to this chapter: AliceIsLost, rememberseverydreamIeverhad, ariex, Gothic Tulip, and 'Loha**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing!**

_**Key:**_

_**Bold- Sirius  
**__Italicized- Remus__**  
**__Underlined - Peter__**  
**__Regular- James_

_**Bold/Italicized – Lily**_

_**Bold/Italicized/Underlined-Ads/Pranks/Letters asking for advice  
**_**Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. **

**Messrs Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs present the Marauders Monday  
Magazine: A Guide to Life at Hogwarts. (Results may vary).**

* * *

The Prank of the Day: (supposedly by Sirius and James…but as they have yet to show up…)

_Where are Sirius and James?_

I don't know, but isn't it time for the prank of the day?

_Yes, yes it is, and I for one don't want to be responsible for giving out such horrendous ideas and polluting the minds of the first years._

…

_Perhaps we should change this to a study-tip of the day column._

No offense, Moony, but I highly doubt that anyone reads this magazine for study tips. Perhaps we should just look for Sirius and James.

HELP ME, MOONY! HELP! HELP! HELP!

_What happened James?_

Well, you know how I decided to mention in the last copy of the magazine how Sirius is horribly allergic to mosquitoes?

_Yes…I am not going to like where this is going, am I?_

Probably not.

Well, apparently some Slytherins read our magazine, because, well, Sirius got locked in a broom closet with like a thousand mosquitoes and he is now swollen up like a balloon and he is going to hurt me. Fortunately, I managed to distract him with a mirror (seeing his swollen up face distracted him for a good five minutes) and make it here, but he is going to find me and killllllllllllll me and then I will be dead and I will never be able to marry Lilyflower or anything, and I will just die!

_And, what exactly do you expect me to do about this?_

HIDE MEEEEEE! Before I die, or he tortures me slowly or whatever it is he's planning.

**BWHAHAHAAHA! I WILL KILL YOU, JAMES POTTER, I WILL KILL YOU AND YOU WILL BE VERY, VERY DEAD!**

Merlin, Sirius, you're…really…really…um…what is the word?

Swollen? Doing a good imitation of an over inflated balloon?

**I will KILL you James Potter, and I will kill you so DEAD that they will be finding PIECES of you for years.**

Hands up, who is really afraid of Sirius right now.

_Now, now Padfoot let's not do anything drastic…how about you come with me to the hospital wing, and we'll get Promfrey to sort you out as best she can before more people see you like this._

**Fine, but I am killing you later James Potter, see if I don't.**

_Alright, let's go Sirius, and while Sirius and I are gone I expect the two of you to write the prank of the day, okay?_

Yes!

Yes!

**Just remember that you're living on borrowed time, Potter.**

Did you know Sirius could be that scary?

Yep. Exhibit A: when Remus cut off his hair.

Oh, yeah, he got so mad, I thought he would for sure kill Remus.

Anyway, while I continue to take in oxygen let's communicate the prank of the day to our lovely readers.

And, that would be?

Buy fake wand from Zonko's (or better yet make your own.)

Sneak into the room of your most hated professor.

Replace their real wand with the fake one.

Hide real wand.

Flee the scene.

Laugh.

Didn't we do that to…

Shush, Wormtail. Plausible Deniability remember? Speaking of which we had better publish the disclaimer:

We are required by law and Moony to release the following disclaimer 'Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, Sirius Black, and James Potter, henceforth known as the Marauders, are not responsible for any loss of self confidence, loss of limb, or loss of life that may result from using any of their pranks, furthermore, in the most 'official' sense of the term, we do not condone the use of any of these pranks on your fellow students (we're obligated to say this for legal reasons, however…), therefore in the event that your use of any of the pranks or ideas suggested within the pages of this magazine results in harmful or unwanted side-effects it is not the responsibility of the Marauders.'

So, now that we've covered ourselves in the event of a catastrophe it is time for advice from the Marauders.

* * *

ADVICE!!!

_**Dear Marauders,  
There is a Slythern girl in my year who is very nasty to me. I have tried to talk to her, I actually asked her why she picked on me and she said, "Because." I tried to fight her one day and the teachers broke it up. She won't leave me alone. She's even destoryed some of my assignments! What should I do?**_

_**From,**_

_**InNeedOfHelp**_

_**(Suggested by Gothic Tulip)**_

_Dear InNeedOfHelp,_

_As telling this Slytherin girl how you feel has not been successful thus far, I would suggest talking to your Head of House about it, perhaps your HOH can arrange for the girl and yourself to sit down together and calmly discuss your problems, I suggest this as the rational alternative to whatever insane plan James will shortly be suggesting to you. I hope this helps._

_Sincerely,_

_Remus J. Lupin_

Not to interrupt the advice giving or anything but where's Sirius?

_Still in the hospital wing…Promfrey wants to keep him a couple of nights at least, she said that she had never seen such a bad allergic reaction, McGonagall had just arrived a few minutes ago to ask Sirius if he had any ideas about who had pushed him into the closet. So, I left them to talk and came back here. We should probably move the writing of the paper to the hospital wing though, so that Padfoot can participate, however he is pretty upset and I fear for your life, James._

Wait, a few days?! But, we have a Quidditch match TOMMOROW!

_Well, that's just too bad isn't. You probably should have thought of that before you decided to tell the whole school that Sirius is dreadfully allergic to mosquitoes._

Yeah, that probably wasn't your smartest moves, Prongs, however, before we get further into this debacle regarding Quidditch we should probably finish answering this question.

Yeah, yeah. Okay: InNeedOfHelp, I suggest pranking the Slytherin, give her a taste of her own medicine, after that she won't be so eager to bully you. And, if you aren't good at pranking the Marauders are willing to do it for you for a small fee, which is discounted for anyone planning to Prank a Slytherin.

_Please, ignore his advice._

Alright, I think we've pretty much hit upon the two main options in this situation, that being said, let's go to the Hospital Wing so that we can get Sirius to help us answer the next question.

* * *

_**Dearest and most amazing Marau**__**der to whom I am most grateful,  
I find a love blossoming from the depth of my avioli for you and your wonderous ways! Thank you so much! By the way, I just felt that the bugs thought I wasn't up to their standards and overlooked me because of my inferiority. Unfortunately my second year sister got lice, but because of the nurses failing eyesight I got to help nitpick! I collected the nits in a jar, let them hatch, they attracted some larger animal's attention as I slept, I covered my arms in sugar and although I am not precisely sure what it was, I woke up one Sunday with a bite on each arm and no lice in the jar,(though none in my, or any of my roommates hair, they let me check) it definitely wasn't a bug because the bites were large and had, as I discovered while studying them in awe, signs of having been from a small creature with canine and insicor teeth. Although not native, my best guess is a fruit bat. still, thank you! I made presents!(acrostic poem each)**_

_**  
Justly  
Arrogant  
Man of  
Ever-present  
Superb-ness  
(I love you, sweetie!)**_

_**  
Seriously  
Irksome  
Rotter  
Irrelevently  
Using  
Socks  
(if you are, my octopie!)**_

_**  
Endowed  
Reader  
Using  
Dusty  
Itenerary  
Their  
Education  
(Sorry for any misspellings, my cupcake!)**_

_**  
Witches  
Are  
Nearly  
Deaf  
(or at least I am!)**_

_**  
Magically  
Awesome  
Rascals  
Are  
Under  
Dumbledore's  
Ever-  
Ready  
Stare  
(simply because you are! Sorry darling, magnificent, most lovely Wormtail, I couldn't think of a good enough word to describe you, and when I tried to make your name I could only think of rocks.)(alas!)**_

_**  
I am sorry to bother you once more but I've more questions. My lice-ridden sweetheart of a sister is terrified of bugs, how can I comfort her if I am no longer allowed to visit her after the bringing the lice back with me thing? Secondly, I have developed an unhealthy love of muffins, how do I break the need to feed on them? And lastly, if it has been noted by everyone between Professor McGonagall, my best friend and a new acquaintance that my behavior resembles that of a "crazy old catlady with a faulty memory and a wont to call people 'dear', 'sweet pea' and 'honey' and a hatred for anything remotely obscene, a taste for old literature who wears an over abundance of clothing, who knits", are they right and I should just give up my youth now, and should I attempt to eradicate certain old lady tendencies in the eye of the public just to obsessively pluck at my socks-in progress when left to my own devices? Or better yet, do as you Masters of All Things Insanely Wonderful suggest?  
Yours with all words within my addled old lady brain,  
Miss TwiceBit**_

_**(suggested by rememberseverydreamIeverhad)**_

Sirius…I'm sorry I told everyone you were allergic to mosquitoes….

**Did you hear something, Moony? No? How about you, Wormtail? I thought I heard a traitor talking…alas, I must be mistaken.**

C'mon, Padfoot, you know I'm sorry.

**You'll be sorrier when we lose tomorrow because Gryffindor is down a beater.**

I know.

_What did McGonagall say, Sirius?_

**She asked me if I knew who did it. I said no. She said "so help me when I catch the people who dared interfere with Gryffindor's chances of winning the Quidditch Cup I will deduct five hundred house points and they will receive detention for the rest of their Hogwarts career." And, then, she started planning how she could get away with it without seeming like she blatantly favored Gryffindor at least when it comes to Quidditch, and she hypothesized that it was almost like attempted murder because a mosquito could of I don't know crawled into my throat and bit me and caused my throat to swell up or something. So, her reaction would only be reasonable.**

She's good.

**It almost makes you wonder what sort of things our dear Minnie got up to in school.**

_Not to interrupt this fascinating conversation shouldn't we answer our lovely reader's question? She is a return visitor after all._

Yeah, okay, (one question though: will you please, please forgive me, Sirius? What would I do without you to prank people with? I certainly couldn't get Remus to prank people with me, at least not without much coercion. I'll even do all your make up work from when you're in the hospital wing.)

**I'll forgive you if you do my homework and you give me a month's worth of coffee. **

_It's not worth it! Don't do it! _

NOOOOOOOOOOO!

What's the worst that could happen? We survived the spoinkle incident (1) didn't we? And the time he jumped out of the history of magic window (2)…

Barely, barely survived.

_Do you know what I've noticed about both of those incidences, James? They were both caused by YOU giving Sirius caffeine. _

Yeah, so?

**I WANT COFFEE, and I will have coffee, or I will have vengeance, and vengeance, James Potter will come in the form of me revealing all your deepest, darkest, stalkeriest secrets to one Lily Evans. **

He's getting the coffee.

_Let's put this argument on hold, shall we? We really need to answer MissTwiceBit's question, especially since she went to all the trouble of writing us such lovely poems._

**She called me an Irksome Rotter.**

_An affectionate pet name I'm sure._

**Whatever.**

_Dear MissTwiceBit,_

_I'm going to address this one problem at a time, because, well you seem to have quite a lot of issues. No offense. First, I'm pleased something bit you…that sound's strange…but as it was your goal, congrats. Second, thank you for the lovely poems. Third, you could always write your sister notes and pass them through a friend to give to her while she is in the Hospital Wing so that you will still be able to provide her with some form of comfort. Fourth, as to your "cat lady" tendencies, you should behave in whatever manner suits you, and if other people can't accept your personality then they aren't good friends and you're better off without them._

_Sincerely,_

_Remus J. Lupin_

**Dear Crazy,**

_Sirius…_

**What?**

_It's rude to call the readers crazy._

**I am not calling the readers crazy, just this particular reader.**

_Oh and that is so much better._

**Thanks, I'm glad you agree.**

I think he's being sarcastic.

**Well, whoever knows with him?**

_I know._

**Well, we know you know but that doesn't help the rest of us. Anyway, shut up and let me answer her question. Anyway, I do not mean to offend you, but, I continue to not understand your obsession with being bit as evidenced by my recent life catastrophe (James…). I sympathize immensely with your sister's fears. Bugs are the devil! Furthermore, what do you mean calling me an irksome rotter? As to your dilemma regarding visiting your sister I suggest blowing something up in a different part of the school or devising a prank which will require our dear Poppy's assistance so that she is distracted and you can sneak into visit your sister. (Although, I am uncertain as to WHY you would want to get into the Hospital Wing, as someone currently confined in said location I can assure you it is not much fun at all.) Finally as to your cat lady tendencies, whether or not to get rid of them depends on if you ever want to get a date. Frankly, wizards under the age of fifty aren't much interested in cat ladies. If you like old men then you'll have no problem, but otherwise I suggest buying a fashion magazine such as Teen Witch and behaving in the manner thus described within the pages.**

**Signed,**

**Sirius O. Black**

Dear MissTwiceBit,

Don't mind Sirius he's just crabby because he's swollen up like a balloon and not allowed to play in the Quidditch match.

**Stop talking about me like I'm not here.**

Even if it's true?

**Shut up. I'm not crabby.**

_Uh-huh, you're in an excellent mood, clearly._

Anyway, as for advice, I say that like Moony said you should be yourself, whoever or however that happens to be. And, if you want to see your sister simply sneak in with your hair a different color or something you don't have to get as complicated with it as Sirius suggested. Good luck.

Peter Pettigrew

So, I think that Sirius, Peter, and Remus pretty much covered everything in terms of advice, unless of course you happen to have a way of becoming invisible, in which case that would be the best way to visit your sister.

_And that's the last question for this week so not let's move on, it's time for a word from our sponsor's:_

**More than one word. These people never just stop at only one word; they always have to have two, three, four, a thousand words!**

Wow, he really is in a bad mood.

_And this right here, James, is why we do not reveal things that result in a whiny, crabby Sirius in a newspaper read by the majority of the student body._

Meh. Don't worry he'll be back to happy, hyper Sirius as soon as I go buy his coffee.

_I prefer grumpy Sirius to hyper Sirius._

**Cease speaking of me as though I am not present.**

Trust me, Padfoot, it is impossible to forget your presence.

**Thanks, Wormy.**

* * *

_Alright, now let's move onto our advertisements as they pay for this newspaper…_

_**Do you feel inferior because your friend's vocabulary is scarily large? Does your muggleborn friend need to supply you with explanations dealing with muggle terms or technology? Feel stupid no more! Use the Encyclopedia Wand Tape. Simply adhere the tape to a bit of your wand. If asked if you understand, repeat the word while slowly turning your wand. Upon looking at the tape you should find that the definition will run across your wand so only the eyes of the holder can see, once the message has been read the letters you've read will disappear. You'll impress your smart friends with your incredible intellect! The options available to you include the size of the writings, the color of the tape and, if the message when read will disapper after you've waved the wand, or as you read it and the quantity you desire to obtain.(warnings: only 100 definitions per inch of tape; if physical contact with wand is maintained more than five minutes at a time health risks including, but not limited to: splattergroit, nausea, lunacy, increased insulin production, dragon pox, a developement of unprecedented Acarophobia, Phagophobia, Bogyphobia, Mottephobia, Cibophobia, Mageirpcophobia, Epistaxiophobia, Nucleomituphobia, Chrematophobia, Gephyrophobia, Didaskaleinophilia, Selenophilia, Poinephilia and/or Kleptophilia. If any of these health risks occur consult Madame Pomphry immediately. Should tape smell of nifflers at any point in time remove with caution immediately.) If you are not pleased with your Encyclopedia Wand Tape, you may return it for a 93% refund. Please use responsibly.**_

_**(suggested by rememberseverydreamieverhad)**_

I want it!

**Me too!  
**

And me!

_Honestly, couldn't the three of you enhance your knowledge through more noble means such as through the much misunderstood practice of READING? Honestly, you would feel much more satisfied if…ARE YOU ACTUALLY SLEEPING? DID THE THREE OF YOU ACTUALLY FALL ASLEEP WHILE I'M SPEAKING?_

**Snore…**

…

…

_Whatever let's just move onto the next advertisement. And if the three of you don't wake up in the next minute I am going to start reading aloud from a History of Hogwarts: The Extended Edition._

**NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT!  
**

_Oh yes, and you, Sirius, are a captive audience as you are not aloud to leave the Hospital Wing._

**WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP!**

What?

Yeah, what? I was having a very nice nap.

**Moony was threatening me with the extended version of Hogwarts, a History.**

Oh, Merlin, that's like child abuse.

**I know!**

_Except that we're all underaged. And you're older than all of us, James._

**Yeah, well you're all older than me, so, if you threaten me with that dreaded book once you're of age I will so turn you in for child abuse.**

_And it shows._

**What does?**

_It shows that you're the youngest._

**Does not!**

_I am not going to be sucked into a does not, does too style argument, as I am not five._

**Is he implying something?**

Probably.

Whatever let's just move on, shall we?

* * *

_**Dear James,  
Has the girl of your dreams said yes yet? Well if not, she should because you are worth it. She just may not know it yet. Here is my valuable girl advice on how to get the woman you want and deserve. For more help, call 5-1234. There will be a $5 charge and regular calling rate apply. Isn't your relationship worth $5?  
1)Learn how to cook and clean. Then clean her room and cook her a nice homemade dinner. What girl doesn't like a clean room and a home-cooked candlelit meal by the lake?  
2)Try to impress her friends. They might put in a good word for you  
3)Get your friends to impress her friends. You'll look good by association  
4)Try to show her how mature you are. Maybe learn how to play Beethoven.  
5)Try to show her your mellow or sensitive side by learning yoga or ballroom dance.  
6)Show her your intelligent side by learning about the world economy.  
7)Show her your sensitive side by giving a good friend of hers(like if you liked Lily, hypothetically, you should give Snivellues a make over) a makeover to make him or her the hottest person in school.. Or you could help teach orphans how to do something you know how to do. Like maybe play pranks  
8)Don't be afraid to have fun.  
9)Hint. Don't give her love poems until the second date. She might think you are a crazy stalking lunatic**_

_**(suggested by 'Loha)**_

I am so buying it! OR calling or whatever! Anything to get my Lilyflower to date me! And our my love poems really stalkerish?

**Well, since you are the cause of my current misery I no longer feel that I have to sugar coat things. So, yes, your love poems are quite stalker-y and likely the cause of Lily's dislike of you.**

_Before the two of you devolve into your inevitable childish argument I have to ask, you know this is probably a scam, right James?_

**Of course he doesn't.**

Yeah, Remus, you'd think you would know that given that he buys every single thing that says it could help his chances with Lily.

_True._

**Anyway, before James "treats" us to some rapturous love poem for his fair Lily let's move on to the comedy stylings of the Marauder's in the Marauder's Comedy Corner!!!**

* * *

"What is a vampire's favorite building?" 

**"The VAMPIRE state builiding!"**

**(Suggested by AliceIsLost)**

_Someone really should teach you what a good joke is._

* * *

**We know what a good joke is, take this next joke for example:**

"How does a vampire wash his hair?"

**"With vampoo!"**

**(suggested by AliceIsLost)**

_That isn't any better._

* * *

**O.K. I have a great one. For real.**

**How does Snivellus wash his hair?**

I don't know, how does he do it?

**He doesn't.**

Good one!

* * *

**What do you call an exiled fairy?**  
A banshee! (banished and banshees are evil fairies)

**(suggested by rememberseverydreamIeverhad.)**

_If you have to explain the joke it isn't very funny._

**Is so.**

_Again, I refuse to be a part of one of these childish back and forth style arguments._

**That's just because you know you can't win.**

_Whatever, I'll tell you guys a good joke!_

* * *

_Knock, Knock._

**"Who's there?"**  
_"I care that with."_  
**"I care that with who?"**  
_"I care that "with who" is grammatically incorrect, it should read "with whom", honestly!_

**(suggested by rememberseverydreamIeverhad.)**

**Moony…**

_I know you are in awe of my awesome joke telling!_

**Actually, I just want to know how you got to be such a nerd.**

Yeah, it defies reason that one person could be so nerdy.

We like you anyway though.

* * *

**Knock! knock!**  
"Who's there?"  
**"I can."**  
"I can who?"  
**" I can "who"-la dance!"**

I never knew you could hula dance, Sirius.

**What can't I do?**

_Where shall I start?_

* * *

Why do knitters like frogs?

Why?  
Because they can ribbit! (ribbing is a technique sometimes used in knitting)

**(suggested by rememberseverydreamIeverhad)**

My mom knits, she told me that one time.

**We know, she made us those sweaters that one Christmas.**

I know, you know, I was saying it for the benefit of the readers.

**Oh.**

_

* * *

_

_And now they h__ave mercifully run out of jokes for today, so let's move onto an article specifically requested by our readers, and which will require Sirius to be tied up in the corner and silenced._

**I so do not like the sound of this.**

_When I said it will require Sirius to be tied up and silenced that was the cue for you two to do so._

Oh.

Oh.

**You'll never take me alive! BWHAHAHAAHAHA!**

Except that we just did.

Alright, so now that Sirius has been silenced tell us what article our readers have requested.

_An Analysis of the Sanity of Sirius Black (Or Lack Thereof)_

_By Remus J. Lupin with commentary by James Potter and Peter Pettigrew_

**(suggested by ariex)**

Wow, no wonder you had to have us tie him up.

_I am simply fulfilling the demands of our audiences._

Sirius says 'mmmph' which I am interpreting as 'yeah right, you lying liar, you just like for me to suffer,' only I think he is probably using more colorful language which is likely not appropriate for the first years.

You should get a job translating for Sirius.

How much does that pay?

_Not enough._

Oh, yeah, you got stuck with that job for a whole week last year, didn't you?

_Yes. And let me tell you, I am never going to be stuck doing it again. (3)_

Not to interrupt or anything, but shouldn't we get back to writing this article before Sirius manages to escape?

_Yes, yes of course. Alright, well as we all know Sirius Orion Black who we love dearly (at least most of the time), has a slight problem in regards to his rationality…_

In other words he is a crazy raving lunatic. In the nicest possible way of course.

Which leaves us with one main question: how on earth did he end up this way?

Well, we can probably point to his home life as the main cause of his insanity. I mean have you met his parents?

_It's not even just his parents, have you seen Bellatrix? Or Narcissa? It's clearly a genetics thing, the entire family is unhinged._

I personally think it's due to too much inbreeding. I mean his Mother and Father are something like 1st cousins. His mother's original last name was Black, can you say creepy?

**Mmph! MMPH! Mmph!**

For the sake of the reader's Sirius says: I am perfectly sane, just because every single member of my family sans Andromeda is a raving lunatic doesn't mean I am.

You got all that from 'mmph?'

Well, he also said he hates us and made several inappropriate comments about where we could stuff this column, but I thought it might be better to leave it out and save the innocent minds of some of our readers.

_That was very wise of you, James, I'm proud of you._

Just don't spread it around that I care about the minds of the first years.

_And there he goes ruining it again._

I dunno, I think Sirius' insanity has been caused by more than poor genetics and a crappy home life.

_True, because he's definitely gotten worse in the past few school years. I personally think that he's fallen and hit his head during Quidditch a few times too many._

It's fine, he's just got to learn to walk it off.

**MMPH!**

He claims (incorrectly) that "James, you always say 'walk it off' even if someone's arm is practically hanging off, or their leg is bent at a clearly unnatural angle, or they're bleeding profusely from the head."

_I'm pretty sure that's true actually, maybe we should analyze James' obsession with Quidditch in the next article._

We should!

Hey! Let's leave me out of this, we're analyzing Sirius, remember?

_Yeah, well, then I think that his insanity is also brought on by far too much caffeine._

**MMPHMMPHMMPH!  
**

He demands that you take back your blasphemous statement as there is no such thing as too much caffeine.

_There definitely is. And for you, Sirius, it is anything greater than a teaspoon._

Also, his brain has probably begun to rot from to much time spent in detention copying meaningless lines down. I know I feel like my brain is going to explode after about the 500th time of writing "I will not treat my fellow students in a callous manner even the Slytherins because I was not raised in a barn and my teachers have taught me better than this," and I haven't had nearly as many detentions as him.

I have.

_It sickens me that you sound proud of that._

I am. Sirius and me are having a contest to see who can get the most by the time we graduate.

_Sirius and I._

No, Sirius and me, you, Remus are not in this competition, you can join if you want but you have a lot of catching up to do if you have any hope of winning.

_Honestly why do I even bother?_

Anyway, before Remus goes mental trying to teach us proper grammar, let's sum up this article: In conclusion, Sirius is insane due to a combination of poor genetics, bad upbringing, too many smacks to the head, boring detention homework, and an excess of caffeine.

And on that note we shall conclude this issue of the Marauder's Monday Magazine. Please hit the stupid rectangular button which has replaced the wonderful periwinkle button and send us any comments, questions, advertisements, jokes, pranks, and article suggestions that you may have.

Until Next time…

…_This has been Moony, _Wormtail_, _**Padfoot**_, and _Prongs_!_

* * *

**A/N Review, because reviews are the best birthday present ever!**

**Oh and (1) For more on the spoinkle incident see "A Tale of Spoinkles"**

**(2) Sirius jumping out of history of magic window while high on caffiene = one-shot I am currently working on.**

**(3) Sirius losing voice and Remus having to translate for him = other one-shot I am currently working on.**

**Oh, and check out the two stories by do i need a pen name and I archived under the name SiRiUsLyPiNkAnDgReEn they are called Muggle Studies and If you did it deny it.**


	8. March, Sixth Year

**__****__****A/N I HAVE RETURNED! Be amazed! Updates are back on and this story will be recieving many of them! Woot!**

**Thanks to all Reviewers!**

**Dedication: To Twinkie and ElementUchihaMaster for their submissions.**

**Disclaimer: I own no one other than Marcas McKinnon who do i need a pen name and I created.**

Key:

Bold: Sirius, Italics: Remus, Underline: Peter, Regular: James, Bold/Italics: Lily, Italics/Underline:Marlene, Bold/Italics/Underline:ads, advice, other.

Messrs Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs present the Marauder's Monday Magazine: A Guide to Life at Hogwarts (results may vary).

**Prank of the Day:**

**Today's Prank is more interesting than usual, in that we are starting from the end and working our way back up. In other words, we've already completed the suggested Prank of the Day, and now find ourselves, er, in detention, but that is by no means an indication that you should not attempt to complete this prank, or that you should turn into goody-two shoes like Lily-**

Don't insult my Lily-Flower.

**Blah. Blah. Blah. Do you ever feel like he just repeats the same thing over and over again?**

He does seem to be like a record stuck on repeat-at least when it comes to Lily.

**What is a record?**

It's a disc type thing that stores music.

_Can we try to get back to the task at hand?_

**If we must. So, anyway, as you may or may not be aware the championship Quidditch Match is next week.**

_Perhaps we should send James out of the room during this, I'm not sure he can handle the trauma._

I can so handle it. Continue, Padfoot.

**Anyway, it's Gryffindor vs. Slytherin and of course Slytherin knows that they have nowhere near the same level of talent as us, so they decided to attempt to put some of our members out of commission and THEY DARED TO TOUCH MY-I MEAN UH MARLENE.**

So of course we had to take revenge! We couldn't allow such actions to go unavenged. Honestly, it was completely justified, and I don't even understand why we have detention.

Because the Slytherins called McGonnagall on her blatant favoritism for her Gryffindor Quidditch players, so she had no choice but to prove them wrong by giving you detention.

_I hardly think this can be called detention, our assignment is to keep Marlene entertained in the hospital wing so she doesn't bother Pomfrey._

_Speaking of which, I am really not all that entertained._

Quiet. You are under my very strict orders to be resting so that you can be sufficiently recovered for the game.

_Has anyone ever told you that you're no fun? It's sort of like Remus last year around OWLs that was pretty much the worst thing that ever happened to society._

**Oh the horror. The horror.**

_Shut up. Just tell the reader's exactly what happened so that we can move on to our other articles._

**Right. So, Marlene is er, slightly uncoordinated.**

_Am not._

**Sure, sure. Whatever you say. So, the Slytherins figured that they could attack her and make it look like an accident, because well, she's Marlene, what more can I say? So, they **

_Pushed me down the stairs. But no need to worry! Pomfrey says I can be released tomorrow!_

At which point you will report immediately to practice!

**I'm TRYING to tell a STORY here. So, after we found out the Marlene would be alright we had to plot our revenge of course, so we waited until nightfall, and then we used our emergency supply of Polyjuice potion, which every prankster just has to have, and I disguised myself as Arsenius Jigger, the Slytherin beater, and used my considerable charm to seduce Gregory Cotton's (the other Slytherin beater) girlfriend Rosalind Antigone Bung, and than James disguised as Theodore Nott, goes and finds Cotton and is like 'dude, your girlfriend is totally making out with Jiggger.' So, while Nott is doing that I escape just as the real Jigger comes into the common room, then Cotton storms down there and hexes Jigger, and soon half of Slytherin ends up in the massive fight, and by the end of it the whole team is out of commission.**

And that is why we are currently in detention. Although I don't see why I have detention because I wasn't really involved.

_It's just sort of obligatory at this point, if one of us gets detention we all do._

_This is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me._

**Don't mention it, Mars.**

_Alright, I think it's about time we sum the prank up into a more succinct form, in order to make it more general and useful for the general prankster population._

Okay, so: In the event that someone commits a revenge worthy act (such as a heinous crime upon a Gryffindor beater) a perfect prank is to disguise yourself as their friend and then get their significant other to cheat on them with you. Thus, he will find out, blame his friend, and you will get an excellent laugh out of it.

**The End.**

And, of course here is our disclaimer: We are required by law and Moony to release the following disclaimer 'Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, Sirius Black, and James Potter, henceforth known as the Marauders, are not responsible for any loss of self confidence, loss of limb, or loss of life that may result from using any of their pranks, furthermore, in the most 'official' sense of the term, we do not condone the use of any of these pranks on your fellow students (we're obligated to say this for legal reasons, however…), therefore in the event that your use of any of the pranks or ideas suggested within the pages of this magazine results in harmful or unwanted side-effects it is not the responsibility of the Marauders.'

**Done with the preliminaries, and now onto the main event! (1)**

* * *

_It is now time for advice from the Marauder's guest starring Marlene McKinnon_

__

**Dear Marauders,**

You know, the first of the Marauder's Comedy Corner jokes was the one Remus told. But I'm not writing about that, I just felt the need to share. My problem is that there's this guy who's cute, funny, smart, and seems to really like me. The problem? He dated my sister, and cheated on her with her best friend. But I really like him and now I don't know what to do! My sister says he's an $$hole, my best friend says that I should follow my heart, and my sister's (now ex) best friend says he's a good snogger and a even better f#ck. If I do go out with him, will he cheat on me? Will our relationship be purely physical?

SOS,

Emotionally Torn

_**(Submitted by Twinkie).**_

_Dear Emotionally Torn,_

_I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but if this guy cheated on your sister, then there's an at least 85% probability that he'll do the same thing to you. Your sister doesn't want to see you get hurt, and really, is a guy like that worth the possibility of damaging your relationship with your sister? In my opinion you should try to move on and find a guy that is only going to be interested in you. _

_Good luck,_

_Remus J. Lupin_

Dear Emotionally Torn,

There's nothing that ticks me off more than a guy who cheats on a girl. Seriously, (and I won't even make the pun), people who cheat on their significant other are lower than dirt in my mind. If I were lucky enough to get Lily to date me I would never look at another girl again. For once, I find myself in agreement with Moony, find a guy who really appreciates you.

James H. Potter

**Sadly, I find myself in agreement with James who is in agreement with Remus. He's not worth your time, if you can't trust him. A good relationship is built on trust and Merlin I sound like a greeting card. Make it stoooooooooop.**

**Sirius O. Black**

_Alright, I'm just going to cut straight to the point, and give you the advice the guys didn't give you. Yes, it's probably a bad idea to date this guy. That's true. But if you really like him, and you think you can trust him, then it might be worth it to take the chance. True love comes along once in a lifetime if you're lucky, and if there's a chance that this guy is going to make you happy you should take it, but go into the relationship with your eyes open, and let him know that you're not going to stand for any of the crap he pulled with your sister, one sign of infidelity and you're out the door. I won't tell you what to do, because only you know what's in your heart, but if he really means a lot to you, it might be worth it._

_Marlene M. McKinnon_

I think we've pretty much covered the different views here, so I don't have much to say beyond wishing you the best of luck whichever choice you make.-Peter

* * *

__

**Dear Messrs MWPP,**

Moony, I need the homework assignment Flitwick assigned us yesterday!

Wormtail: nothing much to say, see my ad? :)

Padfoot: Where is your Yo-yo? Consider "her" loss as payback with the explosives you put on my bed! :(

Prongs: You always say "I want more, Lily. Give me more of that."

_**(Submitted by ElementUchihaMaster).**_

_The homework assignment is two rolls of parchment on the use of the Avis charm. I'm glad to see you're planning to start the assignment so promptly unlike some people I know. cough James, Peter, Sirius, Marlene, cough_

**Wouldn't it be easier to just say cough everyone who isn't a nerd like me cough?**

_I am not even going to dignify that with a response._

Well, then, we'll just move on shall we? I haven't seen your ad yet but I will be sure to look at it once we get that far in the writing process.

**Silly, silly little girl. You honestly think you could actually manage to touch Susie? Don't you think that's funny Marlene?**

_Indeed. Susie is in a highly classified secret location, you probably got a decoy Susie, I warn you that if you still have it in your possession it will self destruct spraying chocolate pudding everywhere._

**Just for that I am going to put more explosives under your bed. BWHAHAHAHAH!**

Let's just move on shall we? I am not quite sure what your question is but I am in agreement that I always want more time with Lily!

_It is in fact quite sad to watch, even when she's berating him he actually still wants to be around her. Weird._

_

* * *

_

**We have one last letter asking for advice which is going to be the inspiration for a much longer column to follow directly afterward known as: Life under the Tyranny of James H. Potter.**

You may have noticed that James has yet to interrupt, that is because we learned our lesson from last issue when we tried to analyze Sirius and tied him up before we announced the point of the column.

_Anyway, here is the letter we received asking for assistance:_

_**Dear Marauders, well actually this is just addressed to Remus and Peter on account of the purpose of the letter,**_

_**We, the members of the Gryffindor Quidditch Team, have come to you in need of assistance. We have tried to endure the madness of one James H. Potter, but we cannot stand it any longer, he tells us what we're allowed to eat, when we have to go to bed by, he schedules practices EVERY MORNING (some of us, ie. Marlene, not to name names, cannot function before noon, and he makes us wake up at four a.m. to practice before class!) We have not had a free afternoon in months, and now that one of our beaters was recently injured we're concerned that he is going to lock the entire team in some kind of plastic bubble until the next match. Something must be done about his manic obsession with Quidditch. We, the undersigned, are in severe need of your help.**_

_**Sincerely,**_

_**Sirius O. Black, Beater, Sixth Year**_

_**Marlene M. McKinnon, Beater, Sixth Year**_

_**Marcas M. McKinnon, Chaser, Fifth Year**_

_**Brevis E. Birch, Chaser, Fifth Year**_

_**Arkie M. Alderton, Keeper, Forth Year**_

_**Maximus L. Brankovitch II, Seeker, Seventh Year**_

Wow, James is so going to kill you when he gets out of the closet we have him tied up and locked in.

**If he gets out of there.**

_If, if is good (2)._

_Anyway, as a result of this desperate plea for assistance on the part of the Gryffindor Quidditch team we bring you the following article: Life under the Tyranny of James H. Potter: Survival Tips, and What went Wrong._

_Now, I don't actually play Quidditch, so I can't speak to exactly how bad it is to be a member of James' team, but I have been a witness to several of his practices and they look quite brutal._

_And, if we look back to last month's article on Sirius' Sanity (or lack thereof) we can see a large part of the problem in James' own words:_

_True, because he's definitely gotten worse in the past few school years. I personally think that he's fallen and hit his head during Quidditch a few times too many._

It's fine, he's just got to learn to walk it off.

**MMPH!**

He claims (incorrectly) that "James, you always say 'walk it off' even if some one's arm is practically hanging off, or their leg is bent at a clearly unnatural angle, or they're bleeding profusely from the head."

_As we can see from the above passage, it is clear that James takes Quidditch way too seriously. In fact, just last week I saw Marlene collide with her brother Marcas McKinnon, resulting in them crashing into the stands, and could have resulted in them falling several hundred feet to the ground, had Sirius and Brevis Birch not managed to catch them first. Marlene actually blacked out for several minutes, and was ordered upon regaining consciousness to quote 'fly it off.' Clearly, he is not quite right in the head._

**Also, we have absolutely no free time, our break times our used for practice, our mornings are used for practice, he makes us practice after dinner until nine, and then demands that we are in bed by ten. It's a good thing I don't do homework in the first place, because there is definitely not anytime to do it in.**

_See as the one and only girl on our team, I am completely safe from the bedtime rule, because James has no one to spy on me to see that I follow it. I laugh at you all, hahahahahahaa._

Okay, so now that we understand that James takes Quidditch far too seriously, what can be done about it?

_Have you guys tried talking to him about how you feel?_

**...**

_..._

Remus, did you seriously hear what you just said? He'll probably say: "If you have time to think about the fact that you have no free time, than you obviously have too much free time, and I better schedule some extra practices.

_...I think we're going to need to get James some professional help. Have you guys tried group therapy? _

**I, Sirius Orion Black, will never go to one of those therapists! I know what goes on there! Those are the people who want to separate me from my Susie. NEVER! NEVER! NEVER!**

See and this is why last week's article was about your insanity.

_Well, you could all just try hiding from him. _

_He has a locater charm on all of us._

_Isn't that illegal, and sort of creepy?_

**Yes, yes it is.**

_Well, I think that you guys are actually beyond my help. James is clearly a tyrannical leader equal to Attila the Hun, Genghis Khan, Louis XVII of France, in other words, you don't stand a chance. Good luck with James, he's probably going to make you all do fifty laps around the lake as punishment for writing this letter, by the way. _

I just had an idea!

**Alert the presses! A historic day has arrived!**

Very funny, Sirius. But, seriously, I know the one way to tone down the crazy. You all just need to go hide by Lily. She loves to yell at James for stuff, and James never likes to go against her, get her to protect you and you might actually get some free time.

_...did Peter actually give good advice?_

**I think he did.**

_Peter's given good advice before, don't act so surprised. _

Thanks, Marlene.

_You're welcome, Petey. Now, let's move on to the ad's. Also, let's go get Lily to protect us before we let James out._

* * *

**And now a word from our sponsors:**

_**Tired of your friend's horribly vain comments? Think you just saw their head grow about? Worried that they might break through the floor because of how much their head weighs? Amazed they can even get through the door? Want to get them help? (Or at the very least get them to shut up about themselves for a while?) LOOK NO FURTHER! Just sign them up for GET OVER YOURSELF(c) lessons! With courses such as The World Does NOT Revolve Around You, So Stop Acting Like It Does and You're Really Not That Great. Classes begin April 3rd, sign ups sent to Roonil Wazlib by owl. Cost: 5 Sickles per class, 10 classes total. Schedules will be delivered after payment has been received. WARNING: Do NOT Sign Up A Student With Low Self-Esteem, May Cause Depression.**_

_**Why exactly am I here?**_

_We, the member's of the Gryffindor Quidditch Team excluding James, throw ourselves on your mercy and beg you to please ask James to stop acting like a crazed tyrant._

_**Well...I do like to yell at Potter.**_

**See it's a win, win opportunity for us all**_._

_**Fine, where is he?**_

_Remus went to release him from the closet..._

**Speaking of which, can we hide behind you?**

_I thought you were supposed to be brave, Black?_

**I am. I also want to live.**

SIRIUS BLACK! MARLENE McKINNON!

_RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!_

_**Potter.**_

Yes, my Lily-flower?

_**It has come to my attention that you have been torturing the member's of your team. Are you aware of the existence of child labor laws? **_

Yes. But they don't apply, I made sure of that. You see I don't pay them and therefore they are not covered under that legislation.

_**Are you aware of the law's barring slavery?**_

They are free to leave anytime...

_At this point I would like to inform the reader of what they cannot currently see which is that James is making a throat-slitting gesture and Marlene and Sirius who are cowering underneath Marlene's hospital bed._

Am not. I was just, uh, itching my neck, yep, that's what I was doing.

_Yeah, because we all really believe that._

_**The point is, Potter, that you are over-working the member's of your team, and you should allow them a reduced workload of some kind.**_

Fine.

_Fine?_

**Fine?**

The new practice schedule will be as follows: morning practice will begin at 4:10am as opposed to 4:00am, you may have one two hour break per week, during which time I expect you to do your homework so that you don't get kicked off the team for failure, and I will adjust your bedtimes as follows:

Forth Years (This means you, Arkie): 9:15pm

Fifth Years (This Means you, Marcas, Brevis): 9:30pm

Sixth Years (This means you, Sirius,): 9:45pm

_What about me? I'm a sixth year._

You need a different schedule.

Seventh Years (This means you, Maximus):10:00pm

Marlene: 9:05pm

_That is so unfair. And practice ends at 9! _

I won't have you following asleep during morning practice. And don't think I didn't see your comments about ignoring my rules because you're in the girls dormitory, however I have now added a dimension to my locater charm that will tell me whether you are awake or asleep, so you ALL better be doing what your supposed to be doing, when you're supposed to be doing it.

**Is it sad that these rules are actually an improvement?**

_Yes._

Now that you guys have your new and improved practice schedule let's move on to examining the ad.

_**This looks like something that can be useful to you, Potter. In fact I think I'll buy them for you for your birthday.**_

You know when my birthday is? Lily-flower, you do care!

_She wants to buy you classes with titles such as "The world does not revolve around you, so stop acting like it does, you're not that great," and you're happy about it?_

**James is a strange, strange human being.**

_Quite. Now let's move on to the next ad, shall we?_

* * *

_**Need a diet? are you fat? Then join our famous "Get-less-fat" today! Only $5 per day you recieve help on! (Wormtail, this means you.)**_

_**(The above ad is credited to ElementUchihaMaster)**_

Is she saying I'm fat?

_Of course not._

Oh. Okay. I thought she was for a minute.

_Of course not._

And now let's move on and wrap things up before Wormtail has time to consider this advertisement any further. On that note we shall conclude this issue of the Marauder's Monday Magazine. Please hit the rectangular button and send us any comments, questions, advertisements, jokes, pranks, and article suggestions that you may have.

Until Next time…

…_This has been Moony, _Wormtail_, _**Padfoot**_, _Prongs, with guest writers _Marlene,__ and __**Lily.**_

* * *

**A/N Rev****iew! This story will be updated every Tuesday in keeping with my new update schedule.**

**The two passages marked (1) and (2) come from a specific Disney movie, whoever is first to identify via review that movie will get a one-shot of their choice written by me, the only restrictions are no slash because I don't write slash.**

**Also, check out the two stories co-authored by do i need a pen name and I under the name SiRiUsLyPiNkAnDgReEn**


	9. April, Sixth Year

**A/N Hello, my lovely readers, I have returned with this slightly late update. **

**Thanks to all reviewers!**

**Dedication: To 'Loha for her review and contribution to this chapter.**

**Disclaimer: I own nada besides Marcas who I own with do i need a pen name.**

_**

* * *

**_

April Edition

_**Key:**_

_**Bold- Sirius  
**__Italicized- Remus__**  
**__Underlined - Peter__**  
**__Regular- James_

_**Bold/Italicized – Brevis**_

_**Bold/Underline-Marcas**_

_**Italics/Underline-Marlene**_

_**Bold/Italics/Underline-Arkie**_

_**Bold/Italicized/Underlined-Ads/Pranks/Letters asking for advice  
**_**Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. **

**Messrs Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs present the Marauders Monday  
Magazine: A Guide to Life at Hogwarts. (Results may vary).**

* * *

**Prank of the Day:**

1. Steal potion's ingredients from Slughorn's personal store.

**2.** **Keep any untalented friends away from said potions ingredients (cough, Remus, cough Peter).**

_...I resent that._

**Slughorn practically cried when he found out you made it to OWL level potions.**

Not 'practically,' Slughorn did cry.

_Did not. He was just momentarially, ahem, overcome._

**...With terror at the thought of teaching you for another year.**

_Shut up._

Tsk, tsk, Remus you really should learn to control your temper.

_Shut up before I am forced to incapicitate your entire Quidditch team._

...

_That's what I thought. Now, return to explaining your childish prank._

_**How can he be silent and yet explain the prank?**_

_Two words, Sirius: Hair. Cut._

**I'll just be explaining the prank, shall I?**

_Wise, Sirius, very wise._

3. Brew a Notice-Me-Not potion.

**4. Spray it on every Slytherin in existence.**

5. Proceed to torment said Slytherins.

**6. Laugh as teachers ignore them and their complaints.**

'Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, Sirius Black, and James Potter, henceforth known as the Marauders, are not responsible for any loss of self confidence, loss of limb, or loss of life that may result from using any of their pranks, furthermore, in the most 'official' sense of the term, we do not condone the use of any of these pranks on your fellow students **(we're obligated to say this for legal reasons, however…), **therefore in the event that your use of any of the pranks or ideas suggested within the pages of this magazine is not the responsibility of the Marauders.'

**It is now time for the moment you all look forward to every month: Advice from the Marauder's. Siriusly, where else could you find people as wise, intelligent, good-looking, the list just goes on and on and on.**

_...Has anyone ever told you that you are one of the most vain individuals ever to cross the face of the planet._

**You. Duh.**

Although, if it's all true I don't see why it's called vain to say it.

See, this is why you can't get Lily to go out with you. 

LILY WILL GO OUT WITH ME!

_...Keep telling yourself that._

I will!

* * *

**And, now let us move on to brightening the sad, sad lives of the general Hogwarts populace:**

__

**Dear Messrs MWPP,**

Have you heard of "The Game" as in "I lost The Game" the game?

Moony: Thanks for that... By the way, you really should remember to put your homework in your bag after you finish. Prongs and Padfoot copied all your answers :P

Wormy: Yes, I implied your obsesity was quite obvious. But on the upside, I found this box of chocolates!

Padfoot: ARGH! YOU MAY HAVE WON THE BATTLE BUT NOT THE WAR! When I find that yo-yo you will be in for it! (Or when I get you to a therapist) And what's this about calling me a girl? I'm a bloody guy!

Prongs: I am not going to dignify that with a question, heads over heels.

RememberL You have just lost THE GAME.

_**(the above letter is credited to ElementUchichaMaster)**_

_I have long since given up on trying to stop Sirius and James from copying my homework. Thank you for telling me though..._

**We don't copy ALL of your homework.**

Like your potions homework. Yeah, that we definitly don't copy...

_...I refuse to continue with this argument over my level of potions proficiency._

**Or lack thereof.**

_ANYWAY, I have heard of this game of which you speak but I have worked desperately to keep Sirius and James from finding out-_

**GAME? WHAT GAME? I WANT TO PLAY! CHOOSE ME! CHOOSE ME!**

_See, this is exactly what I'm talking about. _

I'm playing it and I'm going to win.

But that guy just said we lost the game.

JAMES POTTER LOSES AT NO GAME!

_...And this is why we spent half of last month's issue discussing your overly-competitive insanity. I will not explain the game to you, I refuse to be responsible for that, if you want to know kindly ask this reader to inform you of it, though I really hope that he will have mercy on my poor abused soul and refrain from enlightening you. Now that I have finally finished with my response thanks to your countless interruptions, could you three kindly answer his questions?_

Do I at least get the box of chocolates you found? Not that it's really possible to have chocolate in our dorm, SOMEONE, likes to steal it all.

_It's all for the greater good, by taking away your chocolate I'm assisting you all with forming a healthier lifestyle. Also, chocolate has caffiene, and we all know that's the last thing that Sirius needs._

**CAFFIENE WHERE?**

_He makes my case for me. I don't even need to speak to point out the justification for confinscating his chocolate, coffee, and other various caffinated products. Anyway, Sirius kindly answer this reader's question._

**Just know that I have my eye on you Messr Moony! You shall not get my caffiene! bwhahahahahahahaha. Oh, yes, back to the reader. Uh-I default assume all readers are girls, since well, most of them are, it saves time and effort that way. But, I should have known given how the female populace of Hogwarts adores me, that there would be no way they would threaten Susie.**

_...sigh. Could you be more vain?_

**I'd be happy to try if that's what you want! Anyway, you may think that you can win this war, but no one defeats Sirius Orion 'Padfoot' Black! And, you shall never find Susie, never, never, ever! For she is in a location, that **_**you**_** can never get to, which is so brilliantly simple, and yet secure at the same time. I will leave you to ponder that, by the way did you enjoy the slime bombs I hid in your book bag?**

_I really must advise you strongly against going to war with him._

I am not hopeful for your chances of survival.

Let's move on to me, shall we? Because what's more fun to talk about than me? (Well, other then my darling Lily-flower).

**Isn't it redundant to call her your Lily-flower, as a lily is already a flower, so, yeah...**

_Did he just correct someone's grammar? This is the proudest day of my life._

**Don't worry, it won't happen again.**

_I live in hope._

Back to me, I still have no idea what you're talking about, just so you know. But I am definitly head over heels in love with Lily. Speaking of which, will you go out with me Lily?

She's not even here.

I know that. I am writing it so she can read it when we publish this, and then seek me out to tell me that she has finally realized that we are Meant To Be.

_Let's just move on before this get's any creepier._

* * *

_**Dear Marauders, **_

_**My friend says that since it's April we should start studying for End of Year Exams immediatly, and has taken to drawing up color-coded schedules which she bewitches to follow us around. My other friend is also really smart but sort of lazy and says that we don't really need to study at all, and if we do it should be cramming the week of the exam. What should I do? **_

_**Sincerely,**_

_**Stress-Out Fifth Year**_

_Dear Stressed-Out Fifth Year,_

_You should definitly listen to your first friend. The OWLS are potentionally THE most important tests you will ever take, because if you don't do well on the OWLS then you won't make it into the NEWT level classes._

Way to not stress her out, Remus.

_I'm just telling it like it is. Smart but lazy friends are the absolute WORST people to listen to. For some unknown reason these people can barely study and end up with an Outstanding. They should be locked in a closet and tied up so that they are unable to influence the other students in your year. Perhaps throw some text books in the closet with them, maybe they will actually study. It is never too early to start studying for end of year exams, remember that._

_Sincerely,_

_Remus J. Lupin_

**Stressed-Out,**

**Are you sure your friend is not Moony? **

Well, as we are sixth years and they are fifth years I think we can be fairly certain her friend is not Moony.

**Alright, a mini-Moony then.**

Besides, Remus made us start studying back in January for OWLS.

**You mean he scoured the school for us while we hid in various locations.**

Same thing.

**Anyway, back to my advice giving, it is absurd to start studying for exams more then a week before, and if you are a worrier then two weeks is the absolute maximum. Listen to the second friend!**

**Sincerely,**

**Sirius O. Black**

Dear Stressed Out,

It depends on who you are as an individual when you should start studying. If you are like Sirius and can do nothing and get good grades then feel free to wait until the week before, if you are like Remus and could get good graades without studying but will study anyway because YOU MUST HAVE THE BEST GRADES EVER! Then, I reccomend that you begin studing now. If you are bad at schoolwork then I really reccomend starting to study now. However, if you fall somewhere in the middle of these extremes you should find some sort of a balance, maybe study only a half-an-hour a day in April, and then study more in May and June, or don't start studying until May. It all depends on what suits you.

Good Luck,

James H. Potter

Did James just give good advice?

_I do believe he did._

**We should quickly move on before this strange phenonmenon ends.**

* * *

_That concludes advice from the Marauder's for this week. It is now time for a word from our sponsors:_

_**Do you need to tone up to impress the girl/boy of your dreams? Do you want an extra edge in your favorite sport? Then join the Wabberdoodle gym in downtown Hogsmeade! We are the second biggest gym in magical Britain and the most trusted to get you in shape. Hogwarts' students can sneak in for free through the seceret exit under the gamekeepers house. Theodore Nott, the handsome star of the slytherin quidditch team says "I need to train myself and my team to be the best there is. To do that, I force my entire quidditch team to work out at the Wabberdoodle gym. And when we beat the Griffindorks at last week's game, I knew I made the right choice." The Wabberdoodle Gym has a wide variety of excersize equitment and classes. We have yoga (think of all those flexible women in compromising positions), karate(kick ass), aerobics (increase your cardiovascular endurance), quidditch (we have world class trainers), yoyoing (a skilled and spectacular sport), hip hop dance (a cool new way to express yourself), and swimming (hot, toned, almost naked bodies) classes where you can work out, get fit, become attractive, and help your team win the championshps.**_

_**(The above ad is credited to 'Loha)**_

And THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I TONE DOWN THE TRAINING SCHEDULE! WE LOSE TO THE SLYTHERINS! NOW WE MIGHT LOSE THE CHAMPIONSHIPS DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT MEANS?

...How did a Slytherin ad get in the Magazine?

_The magazine is protected so that only those who do not intend to reveal it's purposes to a teacher can read it. If the Slytherins have no intention of informing a teacher they can read it the same as everyone else._

_Well. There went our new improved James..._

**We are so screwed.**

_To be fair James, Marlene was still slightly out of it from her Slytherin-inflicted injuries during the match._

WHAT WE NEED IS MORE TRAINING, MORE PRACTICE! WE WILL BE VICTORIOUS IN THE NEXT MATCH AND THAT WILL COME ONLY FROM MILITANT TRAINING! Sirius, Marlene five hundred laps around the school! Now! And make sure you collect the rest of the team on the way.

_He does mean on the broomsticks right?_

**I am choosing to interpret it as such. Now, let's go Mars before he decides to make it five hundred laps running around the school**_**.**_

_Well. Let's just move on before James has a nervous breakdown shall we?_

* * *

It is now time for the new Gryffindor Quidditch theme song!

Let's get down to business to defeat the Slytherins.

Did they send me badgers when I asked for lions?

You're the saddest bunch, I ever met.

But you can bet before we're through, mister

_GIRL HERE!_

Less talking more flying.

**Whatever, you say, Supreme Dictator.**

...[or miss] I'll make a quidditch player out of you.

Tranquil as a simmering cauldron

But on fire within

Once you find the snitch

You are sure to win

You're a spineless, pale, pathetic lot

And you haven't got a clue

Somehow I'll make a quidditch player out of you

Marcas:

**I'm never gonna catch my breath.**

Sirius:

**Say good-bye to those who knew me. **

Arkie:

_**Boy I was a fool in school for cutting flying classes.**_

Remus:

_This guy's got them scared to death._

Marlene:

_Hope he doesn't see me hiding in the corner._

**Brevis:**

_**Now I really wish I knew my way around the school.**_

We must be swift as a terrified first year.

with all the force of a nimbus broom.

With all the strength of a raging giant

Mysterious as the girls' bedrooms.

_...For me that's really not all that mysterious._

Whatever. Don't you have laps to be doing?

Time is racing toward us until the champiships arrive

Heed my every order and we might see victory

You're all suited for the rage of quidditch

So quit whining, get to work,

or you're through.

How could I fail to make winners out of you?

**It's times like these when I become convinced he needs a good strong dose of therapy.**

Did you finish your laps?

**Yes, Supreme Dictator.**

I'll ignore that. However...

_Because it's true._

Silence, slave. We will be going to practice catching. With bludgers.

_Shall I just be getting Pomfrey on stand-by?_

**...We're going to die, aren't we Marlene?**

_We all had to go sometime._

That's the spirit!

_On that note we shall conclude this issue of the Marauder's Monday Magazine. Please hit the rectangular button and send us any comments, questions, advertisements, jokes, pranks, and article suggestions that you may have._

Until Next time…

This has been _Moony_, Wormatail, **Padfoot** and Prongs, with guest writers _Marlene_, **Marcas**, _**Brevis**_, and _**Arkie**_.

**A/N This story will be updated next Tuesday in compliance with my new update schedule. Review!**


	10. May, Sixth Year

_**A/N Hello, everyone, I apologize immensely for the delays.**_

**_Thanks to all Reviewers!_**

**_Dedication: To IHaveASiriusObsession for her amazing reviews. :)_**

**_Disclaimer: I own nothing other than Marcas together with do i need a pen name._**__

* * *

May Edition

_**Key:**_

_**Bold- Sirius  
**__Italicized- Remus__**  
**__Underlined - Peter__**  
**__Regular- James_

_**Bold/Italicized – Brevis**_

_**Bold/Underline-Marcas**_

_**Italics/Underline-Marlene**_

_**Bold/Italics/Underline-Arkie**_

_**Bold/Italicized/Underlined-Ads/Pranks/Letters asking for advice  
**_**Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. **

**Messrs Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs present the Marauders Monday  
Magazine: A Guide to Life at Hogwarts. (Results may vary).**

* * *

Hello, and welcome to the May Edition of the Marauder's Monday Magazine, we will begin as always with the Prank of the Day, hosted by me, Peter Pettigrew, as Remus is too busy studying for end of the year exams, and Sirius and James are too busy gloating (more on that later).

Prank of the Day:

This week we're just going to go for a bit of a timeless classic. Steal Filch's cat and cast a color change charm on her, then frame a Slytherin for it and laugh as they get detention. This has been one of our favorites throughout our years at Hogwarts.

'Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, Sirius Black, and James Potter, henceforth known as the Marauders, are not responsible for any loss of self confidence, loss of limb, or loss of life that may result from using any of their pranks, furthermore, in the most 'official' sense of the term, we do not condone the use of any of these pranks on your fellow students **(we're obligated to say this for legal reasons, however…), **therefore in the event that your use of any of the pranks or ideas suggested within the pages of this magazine is not the responsibility of the Marauders.'

* * *

Normally, we would open with Advice from the Marauders as part of our ongoing attempts to make the Hogwarts populace as awesome as us, however today we would like to take a moment to say we don't care about your problems! We're going to talk about how great we are. Or rather how great the Gryffindor Quidditch Team is.

**Me!**

_See this is why no one wants to date you two._

Is that you, Remus? I thought you had barricaded yourself in the dormitory not to be disturbed until after exams?

**FYI, everyone wants to date me.**

_Plenty of people want to date Sirius, I mean he is pretty awesome, uh, not that I like him like that or anything, because I totally don't! We're just friends…but that doesn't mean I can't appreciate his awesomeness and what not!_

**Aww, thanks Mars! :D**

…_Okay then, whatever you say Marlene. And, Peter I do occasionally leave the dorm, we do have a responsibility to the Magazine, and I need to spread the importance of studying to the Hogwarts masses._

That's all well and good, Remus, well, no, it's really not, and it sounds a lot like brainwashing, but we have more important things to focus on! Like the amazing-ness of the Gryffindor Quidditch team. I will now describe it to you and our readers in song:

We've paid our dues -  
Hour after **(agonizing and drawn-out)** hour -  
_We've done our sentence (i.e. Time with Supreme Dictator Potter.)_  
But committed no crime _(If you don't count when you put the whole Slytherin team out of commission)_. -  
And bad mistakes  
The rest of the team made a few (**Hey!** _I resent that._** I agree with Marlene.)**  
_We've had our share of hexes sent our way -_  
But we've come through

we are the champions - my friends  
and we'll keep on practicing - till the end – **(the bitter drawn out end at James' hands).**  
We are the champions -  
We are the champions  
No time for losers **(Slytherins!)**  
'Cause we are the champions - of Hogwarts! -

We've taken our bows  
And our curtain calls -  
Quidditch brought us fame and fortune and everything that goes with it

I thank you all -

**But it's been no bed of roses** (_More like sick torture at the hands of a Devil's Snare or James. Either way)._  
**No pleasure flight –** **(Unless you're James and think five hundred laps around the school in the rain at four a.m. is fun).  
**I consider it a challenge before the whole student body to try to be as awesome as us** -  
And we ain't gonna lose – **_(AREN'T! Not Ain't! Honestly, have I taught you nothing? Don't answer that.)_**  
**  
We are the champions - my friends  
And we'll keep on practicing - till the end – **(the bitter drawn out end at James' hands).**  
We are the champions -  
We are the champions  
No time for losers **(Slytherins!)**  
'Cause we are the champions - of Hogwarts! –

_Vain, much?_

No more than usual.

He does have a point there, Moony.

_Not a good one._

A point is a point is a point.

**Personally, I'm just glad to have on the match and be done with Quidditch for the year.**

BLASPHEMY!

_He just means that after training non-stop for weeks it will be nice to have a short break._

Break? Ha! The word break is not in my vocabulary! And if you people still think such a word exists I have obviously not been pushing you hard enough.

**I don't think I'm going to like where this is going.**

It's times like these where I'm glad I have no athletic talent.

Sure we may have one this year's match, but does that mean we can sit back on our heels?

_Uh, yeah, pretty much…_

No!

**I was afraid he would say that.**

We are going to begin practice for the next season immediately and get ahead of everyone! We will practice, practice, practice!

…**Noo. No more practice. No more Quidditch. I can't believe I am about to say this: I would rather study. In fact, Remus please, please take me-**

_And me!_

**And Marlene, hostage, and make us study with you. I want to go to class, and learn and-and do anything but more practice.**

Blasphemy!

_I still don't understand how you got McGonagall to sign you out of classes for the entire week before the match._

After we failed to win that one match she began to see that we could actually-actually

Lose?

Thanks, Pete. Yeah, that. I can't say it; it's too dark and horrible. Yeah, so realizing that she agreed to sign us all out of class so that we could practice and win.

**No matter, regardless, we cannot take any more practice, please have mercy.**

Mercy, ha! Mercy is-

_Not in your vocabulary. We know. We know everything!_

_I wouldn't go quite that far. Nevertheless, James, have you ever stopped to think that if they don't keep their grades up than they will not be allowed to play Quidditch? The year is almost over, Sirius lives at your house, you can make him practice all summer. Marlene will be home with her famous Quidditch player brother and grandfather, she'll get plenty of practice. Just let them study for now so they don't fail._

Fine. But only because I don't have time to break in a new team for next season.

**That actually worked?**

For now. You lot had better get straight outstandings in return for this break.

_Yeah, yeah._

Let's just move on shall we? Now that James and Sirius have had the time to brag about their Quidditch victory over everyone they will hopefully be able to focus on brightening up the-

**Sad, sad lives of the Hogwarts populace!**

It is now time for advice from the Marauders!

* * *

__

**Messrs MWPP,**

To explain it, the point is to force others to lose by making them think of the two words "The Game" together. If you think of it, you have to exclaim loudly "I LOST THE GAME." There's a thirty minute leeway after losing the game the first time, so you can't lose it before the 30 minutes are up.

Moony: -poke- Padfoot took your chocolate!

Wormy: But I live in your dorm too!

Padfoot: -.- I'm a guy who is plain bored.

Prongs: GAWD. I'm about to bribe Lily into going on a date with you.

_**(Above Letter credited to ElementUchihaMaster)**_

_Did you really need to tell them that? I was hoping to happily pass my life without them ever learning about the game. And with James having just finished the Quidditch Season he will be looking for a new competition. _

_And, Sirius Orion Black, did you take my chocolate?_

**Did you take my coffee?**

_Well, yes, but that was for the betterment of society. Now, give me back my chocolate!_

**NEVER! Either give me back all my coffee or I will slowly and painfully torture your chocolate. Perhaps I will even melt it down and put it on fruit.**

_NOT FRUIT! THAT TAINTS THE CHOCOLATEY GOODNESS!_

**Then return my coffee, it's really quite simple.**

_I could kill you and get it back just as easily._

Did anyone ever tell you that you're really quite scary?

_Yes. You three actually. Most people think I am quite delightful._

…most people don't share a dormitory with you.

**Can we PLEASE focus on more important topics? Namely, my coffee. No, Remus you cannot just killed me, because I anticipated you would plan to kill me to get your coffee back so I have stashed it in a super secret place where you will never manage to get it back if you kill me.**

_With me!_

**Marlene what did I tell you about revealing the super secret place?**

_I don't see how it really matters, they can't get into the girl's dormitory, and besides that it is heavily guarded. None of the girls will approach it so bribery won't work either._

**And you can't kill Marlene because she's a girl.**

_How rude. I resent the implication that I am somehow inferior because I am a girl._

_Get revenge by returning my chocolate to me._

_Nope. You see Sirius is my coffee supplier, so by taking away his coffee you take away my coffee which in turn makes me extremely unhappy._

_Fine. Whatever. Return my chocolate, I'll trade you the coffee. Deal?_

**Deal.**

Alright, my turn to reply: Um. I've totally lost the thread of the conversation and actually have no idea what you living in my dorm has to do with anything. Although, I'm quite sure I'd remember if you did in fact live in my dorm. To the best of my recollection only James, Sirius and Remus live there.

**My turn:**

**Dear Dude-Who-Likes-To-Attack-Innocent-Spoinkles-But-Ends-Up-Getting-Totally-Pwned,**

_Conciseness at it's best, surely._

**Thanks, Moony!**

I think he was being sarcastic again, mate.

**Eh, whatever. You would think that after six years of friendship he'd realize none of us notice his sarcasm so he might as well jus give up. **

_I live in hope._

**Anyway, have you considered perhaps getting a hobby? Gobstones? Chess? Knitting, perhaps? Peter's mum is an excellent knitter, you could get some tips from her, I'm sure he'd be happy to put you in touch.**

**Sirius O. Black**

**P.S. You have Lost the Game. BWHAHAHHAAHA.**

But I have not! Because I James H. Potter LOSE NO GAME! EVER! No matter what. Because I AM A WINNER!

Would you convince her to go out with me? That'd be great. I'd really appreciate it.

Thanks,

James H. Potter

I think you may have to accept the fact that Lily is never going to go out with you.

NEVER! Lilyflower and I are meant to be united forever! And ever. And ever. And ever. And ever.

**Let's just move on to the next question before we're forced to listen to James rhapsodize about the perfection of Evans' eyebrows or something equally horrific.**

They are rather perfect, aren't they?

_MOVING ON!_

* * *

__

**Dear Messrs MWPP,**

I own a much-beloved spoinkle, but there are several people who keep trying to steal it. Who do you think they are and how should I get revenge for this? Where can I hide my spoinkle? Help!

Sincerely,

Spoinkle-Lover

_**(The above letter is credited to ariex04)**_

**FINALLY A KINDERED SPIRIT!**

_Are you sure you aren't just writing letters to yourself?_

**Positive! Now be silent and let me talk to my fellow spoinkle lover. Well, where to hide it depends on whether you are a boy or a girl and who it is that is trying to steal your spoinkle. If you are a boy than I highly recommend hiding it in the girl's dormitory with a trusted girl friend, not girlfriend, but girl who's your friend, like Marlene, who is my friend and what not. Anyway, they can keep it safe from you and protect it from any male attackers because they cannot enter the girl's dormitories. Also, create decoy spoinkles so they will not realize that they have the wrong one. You can also carry your spoinkle with you at all times, or else transfigure it into a piece of jewelry or something similar so that people will be unable to find it. Good luck in your noble quest to protect your spoinkle.**

**Sincerely,**

**Sirius O. Black**

_Is it sad that the best advice he's ever given is on how to protect a spiky-purple yoyo?_

**All spoinkles are not purple, FYI, Moony, and also I would appreciate if you could refer to my spoinkle by her proper name: Miss Susan 'Susie' Penelope Spoinkle-Puff Black. Thanks.**

_Alright, based on Sirius' last response my best advice to you is to seek help immediately and without delay. You need to join a Spoinkle addiction support group and attempt to move on from this sad, sad addiction which seems to claim more lives and IQ points with each passing day. Get help!_

Seconded.

Thirded. If that's a word.

_It's not._

Ah. Well. The sentiment is the same either way.

**You all just don't understand the magic of spoinkles!**

_Let's just move on before this get's anymore pathetic._

I wonder if he'll still feel that way when he find's out what's next.

**On that note we urge you all to stand by.**

* * *

…_**thirty minutes later…**_

Hello, everyone, we've just managed to restrain Remus and tie him to a chair in the corner. He doesn't look it but he is in fact freakishly strong. Anyway, Sirius and I have decided to return the 'favor' done to us a few issues ago and analyze the problems which cause Remus J. Lupin to be somewhat insane.

**Or a lot insane as the case may be.**

Which Brings us to 'An Analysis of the Sanity of Remus J. Lupin, the Story of A School-Obsessed, Sarcasm-Driven Wizard' by **Sirius O. Black, **James H. Potter, and Peter Pettigrew

I figure we have maybe ten minutes before he breaks through the ropes and kills us all. So, we had better hustle.

**Remus is actually glaring at us rather scarily from the corner in case you were wondering. So, we may as well begin with what is one of his main problems: anger, Remus, in case you didn't know has a huge temper, very prone to angry outburst with little provocation-**

He is so going to hurt you when he get's out of those bindings.

**Eh. What else is new?**

True, true.

**Anyway, he gets angry at the slightest thing, he really needs to get some anger management therapy, honestly, you steal his chocolate, copy his homework, transfigure his books into Quidditch supplies, and he acts like you've committed some grave crime.**

This is where Remus would usually make some sarcastic comment if he weren't bound and gagged.

Which brings us to his second main problem: sarcasm. Remus cannot even go one hour, or really ten minutes in our presence without feeling compelled to make some kind of sarcastic comment. It really is quite sad.

**Plus, no one can even tell whether or not he is being sarcastic and he has stubbornly persisted in refusing to hold up a sign informing us as to whether or not he is being sarcastic.**

Inconsiderate, much?

**Definitely! And, don't get me started on the school work!**

He studies for hours and hours, and forget about trying to convince him to pull a prank during exam season. So boring. Absolutely refuses to have any fun until after exams. I'm surprised we could even get him to leave the library to write this issue with us.

Seeing as how he is currently tied up, I'm sure he regrets the decision to leave said library and after killing us and feeding our entrails to the giant squid he will probably retreat back to his natural habitat among the books.

**Meh. He'll get over it…you know eventually.**

I dunno. Judging by the maniacal expression on his face I'm pretty sure he is planning to violently end us all.

**Which only proves the point. He clearly needs to work on his anger.**

Seeing as how the bonds have begun to loosen I think we had better wrap this up before he escapes.

Agreed! Remus' insanity stems from too much time in the library, deep-seated anger issues, and an inability to speak without sarcasm. Anger management, exposure to pranks and holding up signs proclaiming his true meaning can bring healing to his dreadful problems!

**We encourage you all to write in offering your support for Remus seeking help. We know he'll appreciate it.**

…or kill you all. Which will distract him from killing us which we would also appreciate.

Exactly right, Wormtail. And, now we had best get through the words from our sponsors as fast as possible so that we can run away and hide before Remus escapes.

**Brilliant idea, Prongs.**

I try.

* * *

_**Selling spiky yo-yos. 9001 Knuts! (IT'S OVER 9000!) Selling them at the Wabberdoodle Gym. Half price if you defeat all the Slytherins there! And by that I mean hex. They are very annoying, and also flabby... they are a sad excuse for members of the gym... so DO IT! :D**_

_**(Above ad credited to ElementUchihaMaster)**_

I can so defeat all the Slytherins there! As I just totally pwned them in Quidditch. It's no surprise that they are sad excuses as gym members especially after their humiliating defeat at our hands. Bwhahahaha!

**YES! SPOINKLES! SPOINKLES! SPOINKLES!**

…sometimes I feel like I'm the most sane one here.

It's entirely possible. Which begs the question, do you think Lily would love me if I worked out more?

**Honestly, let's just move on in a blatant attempt to avoid answering his question.**

Great idea, Padfoot.

* * *

__

**TIRED OF STUDYING AND STUDYING AND STILL FLUNKING TEST?**

WE HAVE THE ANSWER

YES WE DO "THE MARAUDERS TEST POTIONS" GUARANTEED TO HELP YOU PASS ANY TEST! IN ANY CLASS!

Standard restrictions apply, if you pass or almost pass test DO NOT take the marauders test potions, if you are allergic to hippotoads, grass or peanut butter, do not take the marauders test potions. If test grades go down or stand still, stop taking the potion and run like #$%

THANKYOU

please see the marauders for details

**We created this potion especially for people like our dear Wormtail who could use an extra boost, we encourage anyone tired of failing tests to seek out the potions to find rapid improvement in scores.**

I can personally vouch for the effectiveness of these potions, they also have a pleasant pumpkin-y flavor.

REMUS IS ALMOST LOOSE! PANIC!

**And on that note we shall conclude this issue of the Marauder's Monday Magazine. Please hit the rectangular button send us any comments, questions, advertisements, jokes, pranks, and article suggestions that you may have.**

Until Next time…

…**This has been **_Moony, _Wormtail_, _**Padfoot**_, _**and **Prongs_!_

**A/N Review, please. Update should be on Tuesday if I am up to it. Updating this story literally takes hours. But definitely at some point next week.**


	11. June, Sixth Year

**A/N Hello, everbody! I have returned with this latest chapter! Woot!**

**Thanks to all Reviewers!**

**Dedication: To ariex04 whose note inspired this chapter's primary focus as well as ElementUchihaMaster who has made significant contributions through her advice notes for the past several chapters.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

* * *

June Edition

_**Key:**_

_**Bold- Sirius  
**__Italicized- Remus__**  
**__Underlined - Peter__**  
**__Regular- James_

_**Bold/Italicized – Brevis**_

_**Bold/Underline-Marcas**_

_**Italics/Underline-Marlene**_

_**Bold/Italics/Underline-Arkie**_

_**Bold/Italicized/Underlined-Ads/Pranks/Letters asking for advice  
**_**Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. **

**Messrs Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs present the Marauders Monday  
Magazine: A Guide to Life at Hogwarts. (Results may vary).**

* * *

Prank of the Day:

Today's prank is an extra special one, which you will get the chance to see in action…not that we did it or anything!

**Because we're INNOCENT, innocent I tell you!**

_Because that isn't at all suspicious._

**Why, thank you, Moony, I did think I was being rather subtle.**

He's being sarcastic, I think. I'm not entirely sure though. But generally I assume that if his statement could go either way that it was probably intended sarcastically.

A good philosophy indeed, when it comes to our Moony. But personally, I just assume every thing he says is sarcastic.

**See, Moony, this is why we had to tie you up and discuss your sarcasm problems.**

_Do you enjoy having your hair attached to your head?_

**Yes.**

_Then kindly stop talking and explain the prank._

**How can I stop talking and yet explain the prank?**

_Don't make me hurt you, Sirius._

Since it's clear that there is no way that Sirius will stop talking before Remus kills him, I am just going to steer the conversation away from the sarcasm debacle in the hopes that I can preempt Remus killing Sirius.

A noble idea indeed. The prank this week is to reverse gravity! As well as all furniture so that we are walking on the ceiling!

**When you wake up tomorrow and find this to be the case, know that we are completely and totally innocent. **

We did nothing! Remember it!

_Why don't we just turn ourselves in now and save McGonagall the trouble?_

You're such a Negative Ned today, Moony.

_It's called being a realist. Now just give the disclaimer._

'Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, Sirius Black, and James Potter, henceforth known as the Marauders, are not responsible for any loss of self confidence, loss of limb, or loss of life that may result from using any of their pranks, furthermore, in the most 'official' sense of the term, we do not condone the use of any of these pranks on your fellow students **(we're obligated to say this for legal reasons, however…), **therefore in the event that your use of any of the pranks or ideas suggested within the pages of this magazine is not the responsibility of the Marauders.'

_**(the above prank idea was credited to ariex04)**_

_

* * *

_

**It is now time to brighten up the sad, pathetic lives of all you Hogwarts students. **

_How is it that you call them sad and pathetic every week and they continue to read this magazine?_

**Well, it's because deep down they know that they really are sad and pathetic and therefore they rely on me to brighten up their sad, sad lives.**

Anyway, here is our newest letter:

__

**Black-**

I am holding your "spoinkle" hostage. (Thank you for telling me where it was last issue! Marlene, you're lousy at hiding things, you know that?) Convince James to stop asking me out and I will return it. If you do not, the "spoinkle" will be thrown off the astronomy tower.

Sincerely, Lily Evans.

_**(The above letter is credited to ariex04)**_

Hello, my dear Lilyflower! I must say that I will never give up on my quest to get you to realize that we are Meant To Be-

_Must he say it in capital letters every time?_

Apparently.

Anyway, do you honestly think that threats against Sirius' spoinkle would convince me to give up on you? I think you've just done a great service to the community, and in fact I am now more in love with you than ever before.

_Why, James, I was certain that you were so very fond of Susie? That you were so very, very close? Wasn't that why you dug her grave during that dark time when we thought we had lost her?_

Oh. I am indeed quite fond of Susie. But not as fond as you, you did give her eulogy after all (1).

_Don't remind me._

Anyway, seeing as we both have similar views in regards to Sirius' spiky, purple yo-yo will you finally go out with me?

Sincerely,

James Potter

AKA Your Future Husband

_Dear Lily,_

_I am not bad at hiding things as you will find out once Sirius stops laughing at you and replies to your little note. _

Speaking of which, why exactly is Sirius laughing? Shouldn't he be traumatized or something? 

_Perhaps he's finally had that breakdown?_

_Sigh, poor naïve children-_

Just because you're a few months older than us doesn't mean you can call us children.

_Actually it does. Although, I admit that I am not older than Peter, so I suppose I cannot refer to him as a child (2)._

_Just get to the point, Marlene._

_Sirius is a criminal mastermind, do you honestly think he would make it so easy to get at Susie?_

Erm, maybe?

_We can dream, can't we?_

_Whatever, I will just conclude this note and allow Sirius to respond._

_Marlene_

**Evans,**

**I laugh at you. For a long, far extended period of time.**

**There is a reason why no one has been successful in kidnapping or harming Susie thus far, and it is certainly not for a lack of trying.**

**You simply have one of my decoy Susies which I had stored with Marlene for the sake of my own amusement and distracting from Susie's actual location.**

**However, for trying to harm my dear Susie I will not only not try to convince James to stop asking you out I will actually encourage him. **

Thanks! I'm glad I have your support.

**You're welcome, James. **

**Oh, and Evans, you might want to return my Susie-decoy to its proper place as soon as possible, because if it's in your position longer than four hours or if you do any sort of harm to it, it's cursed to cause you to fail your next major exam. **

**Cheers,**

**Sirius O. Black**

**P.S. This is why you don't mess with the master.**

**P.P.S. My spoinkle is made out of rubber how would throwing it off the astronomy tower harm it? I would just get pick it up off the ground once you'd thrown it. Also, it has every protection charm known to man on it.**

Have I ever told you how scary you are?

**You could stand to mention it a few more times.**

_I was so hopeful for a few moments, and now all my hopes and dreams have been crushed._

_Eh. You'll get over it._

Which brings me back to the most important question of all: Will you go out with me, Lily?

Let's just move on, who's up next?

* * *

_**Moony: **__**But**__**it is quite essential... to create an epidemic around Hogwarts.**_

Wormy: I don't actually live there. I just go in, put some explosives on Pads' bed, go back out.

Padfoot: Say what now? BTW, Lily destroyed your Spoinkle. I'm on my 30 minutes of invincibility. Can't lose during that time :P BTW I suspect there's some relationship between you and Marlene...

****

Prongs: James, you just LOST. But I'll do what I can to get Lily to go out with you... considering you pay me a bit.

_**(the above letter is credited to ElementUchihaMaster)**_

_An epidemic of what? Misery and woe? Disappointed dreams, perhaps?_

Remus is feeling very negative today in case you haven't noticed.

We definitely have noticed.

I was saying that for the benefit of the readers. And, as long as I'm talking I might as well finish up my reply to this reader. FYI, you put the explosives under my bed this last time, try to be sure whose bed you're putting flammable devices under.

Sincerely,

Peter

**Dear Evil-Spoinkle-Hater,**

**BTW, Lily failed to destroy my spoinkle and is about to be cursed to fail her next major exam which will provide me with endless amounts of amusement. Personally, I hope she fails a potions exam or something that would be sure to provide me with endless entertainment. Slughorn would probably have an apoplexy though.**

**You can't be on your thirty minutes of invincibility forever therefore YOU HAVE LOST THE GAME! Yeah, that's right, I just pwned you. Believe it!**

**There is in fact a relationship between Mars and I, she is in fact one of my dearest and closest friends…**

_He is referring to a relationship of a romantic nature._

**What? No way. Marlene is just a girl who is my friend. And what not.**

_Yeah. I like Sirius, but I don't like him, like him that is to say. Stop looking at me like that! _

_Very convincing._

**The truth does tend to be convincing. Not that I've tried it all that often.**

He was being sarcastic again. You and Marlene are utterly unconvincing. 

_I can't imagine why, we speak the truth! Sirius and I are JUST FRIENDS, JUST FRIENDS I TELL YOU!_

…okay then. Since Sirius and Marlene seem to be having some kind of spastic attack and/or seizure I will just move on to my reply.

I did not! I do not…what's the word?

Lose?

Yes, thank you, Wormtail.

_James can't say the word 'lose' in reference to himself without entering a semi-comatose state. _

You are the one who lost, you loser! Bwhahahhaha!

Also, if you can get Lily to go out with me I will pay you anything you want, as heir to the Potter Estate I have plenty of money, just let me know the price and I will pay it.

_He is so pathetic._

**Marlene and I are JUST FRIENEDS I TELL YOU!**

Erm, Sirius we aren't even talking about that anymore.

**Uh, I knew that! I was just clarifying for effect! Yes, that's it!**

_Let's just move on._

* * *

And now a word from our sponsors:

_**Coffee for sale! It's cheap, too, only 4 Knuts a pound! So contact Hagrid if you would like to purchase some! (You know you want to!)**_

_**(The above ad is credited to ariex04)**_

**I WANT SOME!**

_No. Just no._

_ME TOO!  
_

_Again, none for you either. Why do we allow these ads into the paper?_

Partially for the money. Mostly, just because we like to watch you attempt to keep Sirius away from coffee.

_I'm glad I can be here to entertain you._

As am I, my dear Mister Moony, as am I.

_I loathe you._

I love you, too.

_Die in a couch fire._

If I didn't know you didn't mean it, that statement could really damage my self-esteem.

_We could be so lucky._

Remus is in a REALLY bad mood today.

**It's probably because school is ending, you know how he gets when he doesn't have enough homework to do.**

_I hate you all._

_We love you too, Remus. :)_

**As it looks like Remus is about to commit friend-a-cide-**

_There is no such thing as friend-a-cide._

**Is so. It occurs when one kills one's friend, admittedly it is rare, because only the worst people would actually kill their friends or be involved in their deaths, so of course I know that you would never actually kill us, Remus, because you're a great person, but it's best to remove temptation, you know?**

_Erm, thanks I guess?_

I'm fairly certain that was intended as a compliment. Mostly anyway.

_Alright then. Er, Peter could you possibly go to the kitchen and grab us some snacks for this last part?_

Sure!

That was almost too easy.

**Eh. Whatever. It is now time for the fourth and final installment in our articles where we critique the reasons why each member of our group (excluding me of course) is totally insane.**

_Oh, yes, Sirius, you are quite definitely the picture perfect definition of sanity. _

**Why thank you, Remus, I like to think so as well.**

_Honestly, why do I even bother?_

We've been wondering that for years.

_Let's just move on, it's time for An Analysis of the Sanity of Peter Pettigrew, A Story of a Need to be Liked, and Terrible Study Habits by Remus J. Lupin_, James H. Potter_, and _**Sirius O. Black:**

We love Peter, really we do. But like every member of our group he has his problems. Starting with his need to be liked, honestly, this could get him in to trouble one day, if he doesn't start standing up for himself than he could end up doing something he regrets.

**Like studying for the next Transfiguration Exam that would be worth regretting for sure.**

_That is something most people would call a good choice._

**Not me.**

Nor me.

_Whatever. You don't count. _

**Why not?**

_You just don't. Anyway, Peter's second problem is his terrible study habits, learning is the foundation of life! The fundamentals, if you will-_

**I won't.**

_Silence. Anyway, Peter, like the rest of you can only reach his potential through studying and hard work, thus all you readers should learn from his own problems and STUDY! STUDY! STUDY!_

And this is why last month's article featured your homework related insanity.

**Exactly, Prongs. Anyway, the main conclusion is that Peter needs to man up and stop letting people push him around, or else he will one day regret it.**

**The End.**

* * *

_And on that note we conclude this year's final issue of the Marauder's Monday Magazine published on the first Monday of every month. We will be back to welcome you all to a new school year this September. _

**You've been a beautiful audience. **

And on that note we shall conclude this issue of the Marauder's Monday Magazine. Please hit the rectangular button send us any comments, questions, advertisements, jokes, pranks, and article suggestions that you may have.

_Until Next time…_

…**This has been **_Moony, _Wormtail_, _**Padfoot**_, _**and **Prongs_!_

* * *

**A/N Review! I will return with an update next Tuesday. **


	12. September, Seventh Year

**A/N I apologize that I failed to update last week, I was in a very un-update oriented mood last week.**

**Thanks to all Reviewers!**

**Dedication: to ariex 04 for her lovely review.**

**Disclaimer: I own nada.**

September Edition

_**Key:**_

_**Bold- Sirius  
**__Italicized- Remus__**  
**__Underlined - Peter__**  
**__Regular- James_

_**Bold/Italicized – Brevis**_

_**Bold/Underline-Marcas**_

_**Italics/Underline-Marlene**_

_**Bold/Italics/Underline-Arkie**_

_**Bold/Italicized/Underlined-Ads/Pranks/Letters asking for advice  
**_**Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. **

**Messrs Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs present the Marauders Monday  
Magazine: A Guide to Life at Hogwarts. (Results may vary).**

_Here we are at the start of a new school year-_

**Not just any school year! It is the school year to end all school years! **

_Must you insist on starting off every year's edition of the Magazine by interrupting me?_

**Well, now that you mention it: yes.**

_Do you enjoy having your own hair?_

**What does that have to do with anything? And stay away from me with those scissors!**

_What scissors?_

**The ones you're hiding in a completely obvious fashion behind your back, while your eye twitches and you contemplate ripping out my eyeballs and cooking my entrails.**

_It's actually roasting your eyeballs, and severing your entrails._

**Which is comforting I'm sure.**

Did he just utilize sarcasm in a semi-effective manner?

No way, it had to be a hallucination.

_See side-bars like this are why nothing ever gets done around here. We can't even begin the introduction to the final year's set of magazines without launching off into a million different tangents._

**You started it.**

_You want to repeat that?_

Remus, I'm going to have to request that you stop brandishing those scissors threatening in Sirius' general direction, it causes him severe mental trauma and puts him off his game for Quidditch, and in this, James Potter's Seventh and Final Year at Hogwarts I demand extreme focus and attention from my team!

Does anyone else find it disturbing that he refers to himself intermittently in third person?

_Regardless, the real fault with his statement is the claim 'final year at Hogwarts.' If he spends all his time focusing on Qudditch like I know he will it a rather tenuous notion to believe he will actually graduate._

I will so graduate! Although if I didn't pass I could be the longest Quidditch captain in history…

_Merlin, he's actually considering it…_

Well, you _are_ always telling me and Sirius to weigh the costs and benefits of our decisions…

_I loathe you._

**As much as it pains me to do this, and really it truly does, because it goes against my most strongly held notions, but don't we have a point we should be getting to somewhere?**

Did he actually suggest we stay focused on a task?

_We must be hallucinating. Why don't you come over here so I can punch you and see?_

Generally, I believe you're supposed to pinch yourself, not punch other people in such scenarios.

Has anyone ever told you that you suffer from disturbingly violent tendencies?

_Yes. Your point being?_

That you suffer from disturbingly violent tendencies. Didn't I just say that?

I do believe that you did.

**Oi, we have a prank to be getting on with! And you people say I can't focus on anything?**

_I really do believe something strange is going on here. Does the prank this month have to do with abrupt personality switching spells?_

**No. But that does sound like a brilliant idea, we should really try that. **

Alright, we have a lot of important stuff to get to this issue, so we had better just tell them the prank! Take note however, this is just a completely RANDOM suggestion if you happen to notice this occurring within the next few days we are INNOCENT, INNOCENT, I TELL YOU!

_It appears that your skill at subtlety has increased by leaps and bounds in the past few months, Prongs._

I'm glad you think so, Moony, because I've really been working on it-

_I honestly cannot believe that you believe that I believe that you are subtle._

**Uh, what?**

I believe he said that he cannot believe that James believes that he believes that James is subtle.

That makes no sense, at all.

_For once he actually made sense: He said that he believes that I cannot believe that you believe that I believe that you are subtle._

**Can you run through that one more time…?**

_No. _

He was being sarcastic. I think.

When he said he wouldn't run it by us again? Because wouldn't that then mean that his no was actually a yes and that he will run it by us again?

_I am surrounded by idiots._

No, he was being sarcastic when he said that he thought James had gotten more subtle. I believe.

**Oh, no, not more believing! Anything but the believing!**

_I really don't get paid enough for this._

You don't get paid at all for this.

**This wouldn't happen if you would just hold up that sign we talked about-**

_I am going to throttle you until you turn purple, and your eyes bulge out and then just when the tiny pockets of air in your lungs are just about to explode I'm going to let go and allow you to have a few moments of precious, precious oxygen and then I will reach down your throat and pull out your larynx so that you can never, ever speak again, and then I will laugh, oh how I will laugh, and there will be cackling, and perhaps even gleeful exclamations. _

What did I say about scarring my Quidditch players for life, Remus?

_You requested that I refrain from doing so. However, I have a far more important question for you, James, how did I respond to your request?_

Well…you laughed in my face and said something about waking Marlene up at six a.m. on a Saturday and then laughing manically while holding coffee out of her very tired, very short reach…

_Exactly._

You know we've written close to a thousand words already and there is still no prank? People are going to begin to talk! They'll say we're washed up! Losing our edge, you know?

**PERISH THE THOUGHT!**

_It does appear that your beater has quite recovered from his earlier semi-comatose state hiding in the corner clutching a stuffed toy._

**Shut up, Remus, you're going to ruin by suave and debonair reputation with the ladies.**

I think we are witnessing a first-hand demonstration of someone actually dying from laughter.

**I don't see what was so funny. He must not actually be laughing! I've got it; he's collapsed in a fit of awe over how suave and debonair I am!**

_That's –gasp- exactly –guffaw- it. I can't –chuckle- believe you actually –snicker- figured it out._

**Well, I am practically a genius after all.**

_I can't even believe this._

Not again with the believing. Let's make a solemn vow right now never to ever, ever, use that word, ever again!

Are there un-solemn vows then? And if so what makes a vow un-solemn?

When it's the opposite of solemn of course! Geez, Pete, you're so slow sometimes.

_Sometimes, (read: ninety percent of the time) when I'm with you guys I wonder why I ever come out of the library._

We have a library?

I think it's that place with all those really heavy objects we like to drop on unsuspecting Slytherins from several floors up.

**Ah, the armory. I do love the armory.**

_Are you three serious?_

No, only one of us is Sirius.

**And that is ME! **

_I hate my life._

That's the spirit, Remus!

_I'll show you spirit._

Is it going to be the kind of good Quidditch team supporting spirit?

_No. It's going to be the malevolent sacrifice you to the giant squid spirit._

I was afraid of that.

**This is the point where I oh-so-subtly (note the subtlety!) redirect the conversation in a completely non-transparent attempt to stop Remus from killing us all and feeding us to the giant squid. THUS, This week's prank is the following: When a new school year begins we, the Marauders, are seized by an er, quite innocent, inclination to uh, welcome the new first years to the school.**

_Haven't you ever heard of picking on someone your own size?_

**That's why I am just devising the plan and then allowing Marlene to carry it out. **

_Oi, I am not the size of a first year!_

…keep telling yourself that.

_I guess if I'm like a first year I can't play Quidditch…_

Did I call you short? I mean you're erm, tall! So tall!

How is it she managed to show up just as Sirius implied she was short?

_My short senses were tingling!_

…_Did I do something to offend the universe to wind up trapped in this eternal torment?_

**There he goes being a negative Ned again.**

Aren't we supposed to be relating the prank? I really think that this is probably the most unfocused we've ever been…and that's saying something.

**The prank? Oh, yes, that! Anyway, the prank is a multi-step plan, Step One: have the luggage of each first year student sent to a person from a different house (this is mainly just for kicks), Step Two: capture first years-**

_They aren't animals you can't just pen them up._

**Well. Actually you **_**can**_** pen them up, I know, I've tried.**

_He's got you there, Remus!_

_Honestly, why do I even bother._

_**Step Three: separate them, lock Gryffindors and Slytherins in rooms together, Step Four: take bets on which ones will emerge alive. Step Five: Force Ravenclaws to watch books being burned in front of them while they are bound with a Perfictus Tortolas spell. Step Six: Hufflepuffs injure themselves so you really just have to leave them alone in a room and they'll take each other out.**_

_Lovely. _

**I rather thought so.**

_Just give the disclaimer._

'Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, Sirius Black, and James Potter, henceforth known as the Marauders, are not responsible for any loss of self-confidence, loss of limb, or loss of life that may result from using any of their pranks, furthermore, in the most 'official' sense of the term, we do not condone the use of any of these pranks on your fellow students **(we're obligated to say this for legal reasons, however…), **therefore in the event that your use of any of the pranks or ideas suggested within the pages of this magazine is not the responsibility of the Marauders.' Also, an addendum for this week, despite Sirius Black's mentions of setting Marlene McKinnon on the first years she is not in any way involved in this prank, and does not condone any of the above described.

**And now onward and upward to brightening up the sad and pathetic lives of the general Hogwarts Populace with ADVICE FROM THE MARAUDER'S!**

__

**Dear Mauraders,**

I am a Ravenclaw who has her eyes on two Gryffindors. I see one of these Gryffindors in the library all the time. I have been hesitant to talk to this Gryffindor because I have had bad luck with relationships and I really want to say something. The other one is a nice man named Sirius. Can you please set one of them on a blind date with me in the room of requirement. The other Gryffindors name is Remus Lupin. (I'd prefer him. Tell Sirius I think that Lupin needs someone to help him calm down and not shave Sirius' head)

Love,

InNeedOfRomance

_**(the above letter is credited to Mistress of Magic22)**_

Sirius, shouldn't you be saying something arrogant about how you are the best choice right about now?

**Huh? I was busy staring at-er, admiring, uh, no, I mean, uh talking to, yeah talking to, that's definitely it, Marlene. What are we talking about? **

_You are among the most ridiculously unsubtle people I have ever met._

**What are you talking about?**

_Just read the letter, you can read can't you?_

**Obviously. **

While he's doing that I'll answer the question for now, shall I?

Dear InNeedofRomance,

Remus doesn't date…ever. True fact. The only girl he spends any time with (excluding my Lilyflower, and Marlene) is Dorcas Meadows which doesn't even count because they are always shut up in the library (which I only recently learned our school has,) studying and other weird stuff like that. I'm beginning to be worried that Remus is asexual, it seems to be a distinct possibility at this point.

_Would you like to see your precious broom grow acquainted with the Whomping Willow? _

Not particularly, no.

_Then kindly cease speaking._

You know Remus threats like that are why InNeedofRomance wants to date you in an attempt to cure your inner rage.

_I HAVE NO RAGE!_

**Of course not.**

_Don't patronize me, Sirius Orion Black._

Ooh, middle name!

**Shut up, Prongs.**

I WILL NOT BE SILENCED!

Aren't we supposed to have a point of some kind somewhere in here?

Well in general I suppose having a point would be nice, but I don't see how it's required.

I thought when you write an advice column you had to give advice thus necessitating, like a point? I could be wrong though…

We have a point, I'm sure of it…

**Of course there's a point, James, it's uh, uh, I've got it: Remus dates no one, so you should really choose someone else.**

Well then I guess that leaves you.

**What are you talking about, Peter?**

She said that you're her second crush, so if she can't date Remus logic would dictate-

It always weirds me out when he uses big words like that.

_It's called expanding your horizons, James. You should really try it._

**Really? We always thought it arose from prolonged exposure to you, and could only be cured by hours of mindless pranking.**

_What did I do to deserve this?_

Well, are you going to date her?

**Date who? **

In Need of Romance.

**Nah, she sounds too bookish. I prefer the prankster type-**

_Let me guess, your ideal girlfriend would prank, be smart but not too smart, a Gryffindor, likes Quidditch, loud, enjoy coffee…_

**That sounds about right, yep.**

Do you think he realizes that you just described…?

_No._

**Who? What?**

Never mind, let's move on shall we, we do after all have other people to help.

**I want to know!**

_Never mind, Padfoot._

**I will not be ignored!**

__

**Moony: Causing an epidemic of misery is quite awesome.**

Wormy: Oops. I think the second to left bed is Pads' right?

Padfoot: If you said that, you lost too.

Prongs: First off, ask her off to Hogsmeade without ruffling your hair. And use her first name this time.

_**(the above letter is credited to ElementUchihaMaster)**_

**I can't believe you guys just ignored me like that and went on to the next question.**

Really?

**Isn't that what I just said?**

They do kind of ignore what you say a lot of the time for it to still be shocking to you.

_Are you guys abusing poor Siri again?_

_My point exactly, James._

I never said you were wrong.

**WHAT ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT?**

_Hello, Marlene, I see you've decided to join us._

_Yeah. Dorca told me she needs to study and said for me to stop bothering her and go bother someone else, she can be so hurtful sometimes, sniffle, sob, sob._

Studying? Already?

_I know._

_I had better go join her soon. We need to wrap things up!_

Sheesh, Moony, you're in such a rush to go studying with Dorcas? The two of you really need to tone it down, the school year only just started.

_N.E.W.T.S. are this YEAR James. How can we simply stand around when the biggest assessments of our lives are around the corner?_

**Only to you is over half a year away around the corner.**

_Well and Dorca apparently._

**Alas, my dear Mars, you and I will simply have to persevere despite the strange, obsessive study habits of our friends!  
**

_We shall forge bravely onward despite our abandonment issues, as a result of their seeking out the library (incidentally, did you know we had one of those?)_

We only just found out.

**Apparently, the library is the same place as the armory.**

_Ah._

_I am surrounded by idiots._

That's the spirit!

Don't we have a letter to be answering? Is it just me or have we been really off focus this issue?

_We always seem to off-focus at the beginning of the year. _

True, I guess.

_Alright, let's just answer the questions then, shall we? My response: An epidemic of misery is never something to be desired; in fact it should be avoided at all costs. Especially when it is my misery under consideration._

He's the second bed on the left as you come in, like if you're facing into the room from the door. 

**TRAITOR! How could you sell me out like that, Peter?**

He asked.

**How can you betray the Marauders Code like that? I feel so betrayed!**

Er, sorry?

**You should be. Anyway, Evil Spoinkle Attempted Killer-I cannot lose the game. Only you can lose the game, you loser who has just lost the game! Bw. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.**

Should I use her first name as in just Lily? Or is calling her Lilyflower acceptable? Or how about 'my dearest love, Lily? Or my future bride, Lily? These are key, very important questions, please respond as soon as possible.

_You need serious help._

**I agree! He does need my help! I, Sirius Black, will induct him into the Sirius Black School of Love (1).**

This cannot end well.

Yes! I will accept any and all help that could possibly help me with my Lilyflower!

_Which is perhaps not the wisest course of action._

Eh. We'll see. Now, don't we have other stuff to be getting to?

**It is now time for a word from our sponsors:**

_**To all seventh year! Do you want O's on your NEWTs? Then meet me at the seventh floor right corridor for some very valuable items, memory-boosters! 5 Galleons a shot!**_

_**(The above ad is credited to ElementUchihaMaster)**_

_I think it's absolutely despicable that people prey on susceptible students like that, those drugs almost never work and are harmful besides, there are no shortcuts to achieving high test scores! You must simply study, study, study._

**I've been dreading this day for years.**

What day? 

**The day we became seventh years and Moony stared freaking out about N.E.W.T.S.**

_You just need to learn to grin and bear it. Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, etc. _

You're just a regular fortune cookie today, aren't you?

**You know what is much better than a fortune cookie? A magical fortune cookie.**

Magical fortune cookie?

**Yeah, they show you visions of the fortune coming true, it's pretty awesome. **

Cool, I want one.

_Anyway, that is all for this Word from Our Sponsors, it' snow time to get on with our feature for this _issue.

A New School Year: Puzzling Puzzles, Predictions, Proposals! By James Potter, **Sirius Black**, _Remus Lupin_, and Peter Pettigrew.

**Mystery Number One: Why is James Head Boy? Humongous Bighead I can see, Head Boy not so much.**

I wondered that myself, until I realized that Dumbledore clearly believes that Lily and I are 'Meant To Be' thus he appointed me Head Boy in order to insure that we can be together always.

_I'm sure that's it._

I'm glad that you also realize that Lily and I are 'Meant to Be'

Why must he always say it capitalized?

Because we are Meant To Be.

_That makes perfect sense._

Really?

_No._

What did we say about hurting with our words, Remus?

_I can't recall, I remember that at the time I was busy hurting Sirius with my wand at the time._

What did we say about hurting with our wands, Remus?

_I can't recall I was busy strangling Peter at the time._

**What did we say about hurting with our fists, Remus?**

_I can't recall, I seem to recall I was busy verbally destroying James' dreams of dating Lily at the time._

You really need to get some anger management therapy.

_Don't make me hurt you James._

Let's just discuss Mystery Number Two, shall we?

**Mystery Number Two: Why does Remus like the armory (aka library) so much?**

You're attempting to dispel his anger by bringing up another topic guaranteed to make him angry?

That does pretty much sum it up.

**CONTINUING ON, if it were anyone else I would think he was having some kind of secret relationship with some girl, but it's Remus, and the only person he ever studies with is Dorcas and we both know that the two of them do nothing except study. Study, and study some more.**

_I sometimes wonder if you have a death wish._

**Eh. I like to live life on the edge.**

It is now time for Prediction Number One.

Prediction Number One: The Gryffindor Quidditch Team will win the Championship Cup! Again!

_Aren't you afraid you just jinxed it?_

No, I am not, because I have an Anti-Jinx Insurance Policy.

_There's a sucker born every minute._

**Prediction Number Two: At least one teacher will have a nervous breakdown and quit, my money is on our Muggle Studies professors, what's her face (2). **

_I sort of feel bad that we still don't know her name all the way in seventh year._

I dunno, I personally think that it might be Slughorn he practically cried when he found out Remus was continuing with Potions for another year.

**He did cry.**

_Did not, we've been over this before; he was simply overcome, as I told you before._

**Whatever helps you sleep at night.**

Prediction Number Three: Lily Evans Will Go Out with Me!

**No comment.**

_Ditto._

I reserve the right to remain silent.

Which brings me to Proposal Number One: Lily Evans, will you marry me?

_She said she won't go out with you and you think she's suddenly going to decide to marry you?_

I live in hope!

_Whatever helps you sleep at night._

Anyway, this concludes September's issue of the Marauder's Monday Magazine!

_Until Next time…_

…**This has been **_Moony, _Wormtail_, _**Padfoot**_, _**and **Prongs_!_

**A/N Review! Update next Tuesday!**

**I think the Sirius Black School of Love would make a great one-shot, and I should really write it at some point. Would you guys like to read it? If so, I may actually get around to writing it, lol. :p**

**The Muggle Studies Professor who they do not know the name of can be seen in the story co-authored by do i need a pen name and myself under the penname SiRiUsLyPiNkAnDgReEn**

**For those of you who read my other stories and are awaiting updates, I will probably update many of them tommorow because I will be spending most of the day sitting in a hospital waiting room with nothing else to do. **


	13. October, Seventh Year

**A/N Hello everyone, I have returned with an update! Apologies for the lateness!**

**Thanks to all reviewers!**

**Dedication: To 'Loha for her two amazing contributions to this chapter!**

**Disclaimer: I only own Marlene's siblings together with do I need a pen name.**

* * *

October Edition

_**Key:**_

_**Bold- Sirius  
**__Italicized- Remus__**  
**__Underlined - Peter__**  
**__Regular- James_

_**Bold/Italicized – Lily**_

_**Bold/Underline-Marcas**_

_**Italics/Underline-Marlene**_

_**Bold/Italics/Underline-Arkie**_

_**Bold/Italicized/Underlined-Ads/Pranks/Letters asking for advice  
**_**Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. **

**Messrs Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs present the Marauders Monday  
Magazine: A Guide to Life at Hogwarts. (Results may vary).**

* * *

October is a truly excellent month, and do you know why it is an excellent month Messr Padfoot?

**Because it is the month of haunting! **

_Oh, I am so not going to like where this is going, am I?_

**Probably not.**

_I'm glad we're on the same page._

So, of course we could not begin this month without a truly excellent prank designed to make all witches and wizards feel pride at their heritage.

_You and Sirius are the only two people I know who can make being proud of your heritage have the double meaning of 'loud explosions, screaming, and general mayhem.'_

**It's a gift.**

_One I could do without._

Welllllllll, then just close your eyes and pretend you're not here.

_A sound suggestion if I ever heard one._

Why, thank you, Remus.

_I hate you all._

Didn't we make a solemn vow to stay focused this issue? 

**Which brings us back to the difference between a solemn vow and an unsolemn one.**

We already went over this an unsolemn vow is one that is not solemn.

_The vow is entirely beside the point, we're supposed to be discussing whatever devious and at least vaguely evil prank that you two criminal masterminds have come up with._

**I thought you were against the prank.**

_Yes, well, I'm more against having to listen to the three of you analyze various types of vows._

That's the spirit, Moony!

**And, now back to The Prank.**

_I find myself concerned and vaguely afraid that he is capitalizing it._

You probably should be.

**I'm envisioning pumpkins, lots and lots of pumpkins…**

Yep, now is probably right about the time to start being afraid.

**We'll hollow out the pumpkins, and then we'll capture first years-**

_Didn't I tell you that you can't just pen up the first years like animals?_

**And, didn't I tell **_**you**_**, that actually you **_**can**_** pen the first years up like animals?**

_I loathe you._

**Okay, so then we shrink them down so that they fit in the pumpkin-**

Is that possible?

**Yeah, but I'm not entirely sure how to unshrink them. But I'm sure we'll figure it out.**

_I am NOT hearing this._

Keep telling yourself that.

**So, after we have the first years in the pumpkins, we hide the pumpkins around the school, like a scavenger hunt, and then we get the older students to play Find the Firsties, in groups of two, the team to get the most Firsties will win a prize.**

Brilliant as always, Padfoot.

**Why, thank you, Prongs. And on that note I believe it is past time or disclaimer.**

_I don't think even the disclaimer can help us now._

Why not?

_We painstakingly detailed the plan in minute details. If they don't know it was us then I'd say they had been hit with a Confundus or something._

Excellent idea! Let's use a Confundus on the teachers!

Is Remus hyperventilating.

I do believe he is.

**Huh. That's interesting. On with the disclaimer:**

'Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, Sirius Black, and James Potter, henceforth known as the Marauders, are not responsible for any loss of self-confidence, loss of limb, or loss of life that may result from using any of their pranks, furthermore, in the most 'official' sense of the term, we do not condone the use of any of these pranks on your fellow students **(we're obligated to say this for legal reasons, however…), **therefore in the event that your use of any of the pranks or ideas suggested within the pages of this magazine is not the responsibility of the Marauders.' Also, an addendum for this week, despite Sirius Black's mentions of setting Marlene McKinnon on the first years she is not in any way involved in this prank, and does not condone any of the above described.

**We now return with our regularly scheduled programming: brightening up your sad and pathetic lives with our brilliant and irreplaceable advice.**

* * *

__

**Dear Marauders,**

Now that Remus won't date me, Do you know anybody who will. I really would like somebody who wants a brunette ravenclaw who loves to read, swim, sail and draw.

InNeedOfRomance

_**(the above note is credited to Mistress of Magic22)**_

_I never said I wouldn't date her._

We said it for you.

Well, would you date her?

_No, probably not, but still. (No offense, I'm sure you're a lovely person and everything, but I'm just not looking to date anyone right now). _

**Well, that leaves us with the clear problem of finding her a boyfriend. Who has a recommendation?**

_I vote for Caradoc!_

You always vote for Caradoc is there something going on between you two?

**WHAT?**

_If there was something going on between me and Caradoc why would I recommend him as a choice for InNeedofRomance to date? Furthermore, I er, likesomeoneelse._

Who?

_As if we all don't know._

**WHO? I'll kill, er, I mean uh, I would, uh, be glad to uh be KIND to him?**

Except Sirius apparently.

_I MEAN, who wouldn't recommend Caradoc what with having a name that sounds like carrots and deer, which is why you just have to ask him if he's ever fed carrots to a deer (1)._

Nice change of subject, Marlene.

_You clearly study at the James Potter School of Subtlety._

James has his own school?

_Yes, right next door to Sirius Black's School of Love._

Really?

_No. Anyway, it seems that we have achieved our goal in a relatively short amount of time with the suggestion that you date Caradoc Dearborn, he's a seventh year, and in Ravenclaw so I'm sure you know him. Good luck. _

Onward and upward to answer the next question!

* * *

__

**Moony: I meant for others**

Wormy: DUNGBOMBS EXPLODE IN 10... 9... 8...

Padfoot: D0 ~/0u u/\/d312$t4/\/d \/\/h4t 1 /\/\ t3ll1/\/9 u?

Prongs: Lily. Just Lily, ok? I think she won't like flower all that much. That nickname should be given in a late date.

_**(The above note is credited to ElementUchihaMaster)**_

**Not this guy again. **

He writes in every week, you would think you'd be used to him by now.

**I shall never tolerate the anti-spoinkle writer.**

Well, then shouldn't logic dictate that you just answer him so you can finish talking to him as quickly as possible?

**Fine, Remmie, you go first.**

_Fine, I have on question then: Why should the others be having fun when I am suffering? _

See, the problem with this whole dungbombs under Sirius' bed thing is that the rest of us will have to suffer along with him, when the whole room smells awful.

**Don't worry about it Petey, during one of my daily sweeps of the room-**

_Paranoid, much?_

**If you had James for a Quidditch captain putting tracking spells on you, you would also be paranoid.**

I do that for your own good.

Stalker, much?

**The point is that I found the dungbombs and moved them to the Slytherin common room, so whoever you are, you evil spoinkle hater, know that you will NEVER defeat me. And, I don't understand what I'm supposed to understand.**

What?

**He asked if I understand what he was telling me, but I don't, because I don't get what the question is.**

_He was asking if you can tell what he was supposed to be saying with his weirdly scripted phrases._

**Oh. Then yes.**

Now, let's focus on more important things like my plan to get Lily to fall in love with me. Are you sure I can't call her Lily-flower, I really do love calling her that.

**It is just so very sickening how obsessed he is with her, so let's just move on before he has time to further discuss Evans.**

_Seconded._

Thirded.

__

**Dear Marauders,**

I have a few problems I need help with. My 1st problem is that I happen to be in love with someone nearly everyone else in Hogwarts hates. I know he isn't as bad as everyone else says, he's just misunderstood. And I don't know what to do. I also know he's still in love with his first crush so I don't know what to do with this please help.

Note that was only to Remus and Peter as James and Sirius are idiots in the love department.

Next Sirius I have a favor to ask of you, please kill your little brother for me. He tried to do something very... unpleasant to me. I got away and am now asking you to murder him.

Note that was to all of you but mainly Sirius as he is that THING'S brother.

Next Remus my mum sent me some chocolate, I don't like chocolate very much, do you want it? I don't want to waste it and since you love chocolate I thought of you.

SIRIUS, JAMES YOU MAY NOT HAVE HIS CHOCOLATE, unless you pay me with 500 pounds of boiled muggle peanuts that is. Remus you don't have to pay.

Lastly: KILL THAT THING YOU CALL A Brother SIRIUS!

Thanks and much love,

Homicidal-Gryffindor

_**(the above note is credited to who dunit why I dunit it).**_

**YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH SNAPE? **

When did she say that?

_You were observant about something? This is a day for the record books._

I still don't see where she said she was in love with Snape.

We really shouldn't be revealing that we know she's talking about Snape, you know, this is supposed to be an anonymous advice column. We can't just go around revealing her crush to everyone.

**This is for her own good if revealing her crush will cause her to stop liking Snivellus.**

_This is probably why she addressed the first part of her letter solely to Peter and I. Because you're an idiot. You can't just tell people who they're allowed to like. Just because you don't like Snape doesn't mean that you can prevent everyone else from liking him._

**But it's **_**Snape**_**.**

_So you've said. Moving on, you can't really make this person-_

**Snape!**

_AS I WAS SAYING, you can't really make this person stop having a crush on someone else, the best method is to let the situation play out and then act accordingly. If the person that your crush has a crush on doesn't return their feelings your crush will eventually move on and then you can tell him how you feel._

But it's Snape.

_Really, don't you two know how to say anything else? As for the chocolate, yes I would love it, but I really do not understand how you cannot love chocolate?_

You would rather have PEANUTS than CHOCOLATE? That is strange, very strange indeed. You can give your chocolate to Remus however, because my mum sends me care packages every month filled with chocolate and other various sweets.

**She sends me one too, and mine is much bigger than his. **

Stop rubbing it in that my mum likes you better than me.

All parents like Sirius better than their own children. I'm not sure why.

**Wow, thanks Pete.**

_It's because he looks like a sad puppy, and they can't help but be drawn to him since his own parents are so…lacking to say the least._

**Whatever, the point is that I have lots of chocolate! Yes! (Also, you said something about my brother doing something to you? Really? I normally don't defend members of my family, goes against the grain, you know? But Reggie can hardly kill a fly.) Are you sure you haven't been er, like confunded recently? It would explain your apparent crush on Snape.**

_I'm sure that a girl doesn't have to be delusional to like Snape._

Really?

**It would at least help. A lot.**

_Let's just move on._

* * *

__

**Dear Marauders and Lily,**

Last night I had a strange dream. It was about a boy who looked like James, has Lily's eyes, and Sirius is Godfather. Apparently, James and Lily died because of Peter but Sirius is framed for it. Sirius spends 13 years in Azkaban and escapes when Lily and James' child, Harry, is in 3rd year. I'm not a Seer or anything but my dream may come true. If so what would you do.

Sincerely yours,

The Glowing Mischief

P.S. Lily says YES! Congratz James!

_**(the above letter is credited The Glowing Mischief)**_

_Divination is a load of hogwash._

**You just say that because your inner eye is foggy.**

_Don't make me hurt you Sirius._

Don't worry about it Peter would never betray me if a situation like this ever came about. Right, Pete?

Er, right, James.

See that? Straight from the horse's mouth.

**But Pete's not a horse, he's a rat-**

_Shut up, Sirius._

**Er, I mean, if he were an animal he would be a rat not a horse. Uh. Yeah.**

_Someone besides James really needs to teach you how to be subtle._

But I thought James was like, the most subtle individual ever, considering he has his own school, isn't that what you said, Moony?

_Sometimes I really hate my life._

You do seem to have at least some foresight abilities, because it's clear that Lily WILL say yes!

_**Keep dreaming, Potter.**_

LILYFLOWER! You have come to be near me!

_**Actually, I came to express my firm agreement with Remus that Divination is a load of hogwash and there is no way I will every date you let alone marry you.**_

Just you wait, Lily! Soon you will be dating me.

_**Keep telling yourself that. Anyway, I need to be going I have a patrol to get to. **_

Bye, Lily-flower!

…_**Bye, Potter.**_

I think she's warming up to me!

In what way?

Well, she actually said goodbye.

**And she didn't even attack him at all. Definite progress, congrats Prongs.**

Why, thank you, Padfoot.

_As we have more letters to answer we had better move on; however we thank you for your concern and will keep your dream in mind in the future._

I do rather like the name Harry, although it's not nearly as nice as Elvendork.

_I pity your future children._

* * *

__

**Jamesy, Jamesy, where for art thou Jamesy!**

Are you still pining over that dreadful Lilly?

The scrawny girl with red curls?

Can't you see that there are other girls?

Can't you see, that I am in love with thee?

Can you imagine my delicate fingers running through your messy hair?

Can you imagine your twinkling hazel orbs staring into my doe eyes so fair?

Can you imagine us in the Gryffindor's team broomcloset at 8:00 tonight?

Please come or you will give me a fright.

I will run after you forever and ever until you are mine!

(You will know who I am by my sexy, cleavagey, floral dress.)

_**(the above stalkerish poem is credited to 'Loha)**_

**Ooh, James has a secret admirer. **

Shut up, Padfoot.

**James and his stalker sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G, first comes assault, than comes a restraining order-**

I will end you. Painfully.

But, James I wanted to hear the rest of the song.

There will be NO singing.

_One would think you weren't interested in your ahem, admirer._

I really need to get better friends. Ones who don't mock me all the time.

_I tell myself that all the time, and yet everyday here I am._

Can we just move on?

**Why, Jamesie, don't you want to write a love letter back to your dearest lady love?**

Next time Remus wants to cut off all your hair I won't stop him, I swear I won't.

**Ooh, hostile are we? Perhaps it's because you know deep, deep down a secret flame of affection burns for your admirer.**

Can I please kill him?

_You'll regret it tomorrow. Or so I've been told._

Why don't we just move on before we have any friend-a-cides?

_Smartest thing you've said all day. Let's see what other letters we have to answer…_

* * *

__

**Dear MWPP,**

To Moony- I happen to have an assortment of instruments to facilitate the easy, not messy, and quiet torture of anyone who has irritated your seemingly rather unstable temperament. I have some dungbombs that will make a person left in close quarters with them to pass out and flagellate the exact smell afterwards for two weeks which you can program to be only smelled by him or the select that you choose. I have underwear that shrinks a quarter it's size every hour- so gradually they never think to change it until it's too late! Mwahahahha! I have also designed a few things especially for you that you may be interested in, an example being decoy chocolate that will turn into a siriusly unpleasant surprise if eaten- they'll never be able to tell them apart and maybe they'll stop stealing your possessions now! And this way you can take their coffee with little fear of retaliation or hostage taking of your dear chocolates! Among other options and package deals I do take requests in case you are ever inspired! I'll be waiting in the Restricted Section of 'the other library' you know- the one without the armory- tonight at midnight! Come alone and I'm sure we can work something out mwahahhahhahahahhahhahha

_**(the above letter is credited to livin and breathin)**_

**Is anyone besides me seriously afraid?**

Of a crazy girl providing Remus with a way to be even crazier? Er, yeah, duh.

Ditto.

_You should be afraid. Bwhahahhahaha._

Great. Manic laughter. That's never a good sign.

**I do have one other question though. There's a second library? Besides the armory? I just found out we have one library and now I'm finding out that there are actually two?**

Why on earth would we want two? The first one I could see, it's certainly of use for providing amo to drop on unsuspecting Slytherins, but why would we want a second one?

_Comments like this are why I will one day painfully harm you all._

Have you ever considered anger management?

_I've considered that killing you all now would considerably lower my blood pressure and lessen my anger. Does that count?_

**You know maybe you should just keep your anger to yourself. Uh-huh. Just bottle it all up. Where it's nice and safe.**

_That's what I thought you said._

* * *

__

**Dearest Marlene,**

If this is the only way I can reach you and convince you of my undying love, I will do it. I will brave the annoying and immature Marauders for you. I will brave utter humiliation by my housemates and the whole school! All for you my sweet, innocent, athletic, and utterly perfect Juliet!

Your eyes are vivid in the twilight

when the dreaded Potter wakes you up in the middle of the night.

You are beautiful when your clothes are soaked in the rain

and I can see your bra, you truly are a pretty dame.

You smell like starbucks.

You love fast trucks.

I like the fact that you are so petite,

and don't smell like stinky feet.

And just so you know,

Slytherins and griffindors don't have to be foes.

Especially when the Gryffindor has a pretty smile, shapely little legs, and a walk that makes makes me shout

"Marlene will you go out with me Vernon Blustrod?"

Sincerely,

Vernon Bludstrod

_**(the above note is credited to 'Loha).**_

Sirius is so going to blow up over this.

I give it less than a minute.

Thirty seconds.

_Twenty-five._

**STOP BETTING ON MY REACTIONS!**

25.3, nice work Moony.

**HOW DARE HE TALK TO MARLENE LIKE THAT?**

_What is Sirius freaking out about now?_

_Read the above portion._

_Oh. I'm er, flattered? _

**WHAT? Did you see how he talked about you? HE CALLED YOU A DAME AND TALKED ABOUT YOUR YOU KNOW…**

_Bra? _

You know Sirius, Marlene does actually have five brothers who I'm sure would be more than happy to beat up anyone who acted improperly towards her; I don't see what you're getting so upset about…

_Oh, I know why he's getting upset._

**Because Mars is my friend and this guy sounds like a pig. And he's a Slytherin, which makes him bad by default.**

_I'm sure that's why. It's not like you're jealous or anything._

**Why would I be jealous? It's not like Marlene likes this guy or anything. Right, Mars?**

_I don't really know him._

Would it matter if she did like him? Would you be jealous then?

**NO, because there's absolutely no reason why I would be jealous. I'm just concerned, yeah, that's all. I don't want her to get hurt.**

_Really, Sirius, I'm perfectly well able to fend for myself._

That's true. Remember when she almost caused me severe bodily harm for flying into the girl's dormitory to ask Lily out?

_You had that coming._

_Although, on another note, I have to say that it seems like Sirius is rather obsessed with Marlene's love life. Why is that, Sirius?_

**Am not.**

Well, so far this issue you've already flipped out over her possibly liking Caradoc and over this guy writing her a note.

_Leave poor Siri alone. He's just being a good friend._

_Do you think they practice being that oblivious or does it just come naturally?_

Personally, I think-

_It was a rhetorical question, I didn't actually want you to pontificate on whether they practice being oblivious or not._

I think Sirius is right when he says that you should really be more specific, Remus.

_I hate you all._

So, you said. Many times, in fact.

**You know I never liked that Blustrod guy.**

Just last week you were saying he was alright as far as Slytherins go.

**Was not. He is a terrible blight upon society. And, I will see him wiped out.**

_Sirius Orion Black, what are you planning?_

**Nothing. **

_Oh, no, you are not going to get them involved._

Who?

_I will maim you painfully, until you die to death._

She really will.

**I am just doing this for your own good.**

Am I missing something?

_Sirius is threatening to forward this letter to Malcolm and Milo._

**Technically, I never actually said that.**

_We all know you were thinking it. And if you breathe so much as one word of this to either of them you will live to regret it, but Susie won't. And, I unlike all the other idiots who have tried to take Susie out actually know where she is. And then after that I will drink all your coffee: Right. In. Front. Of. You. BWHAHAHAHAHA!_

**That's hitting below the belt, Mars.**

_So is threatening me with insane older brothers._

**Fine, just promise not to go out with him and I promise not to tell Malcolm or Milo.**

_You are not the boss of who I go out with, Sirius Black. And if I want to go out with this Bludstrod guy than I will so there. I need to go hit something. I'll see you guys later._

Marlene's angry.

**Thank you Captain Obvious.**

Sirius is angry, too.

**I've had quite enough of this for one day, thanks. I'll see you guys later finish up without me.**

I'm sensing a lot of hostility around here.

You know things would be a lot easier for all of us if they would just admit that they're madly in love with each other and just go out.

_Yes, well, as that doesn't seem to be happening anytime soon why don't we just move on to our sponsors for the month and wrap things up?_

* * *

_**Do you like chocolate? So much that your friends tease you mercilessly about it? Well, come to the Room of Requirement if you want as much chocolate as you can carry CHEAP! Just one galleon a pound!**_

_**(the above ad is credited to ariex04)**_

So, who thinks they sent in this ad solely for Remus?

Me!

_I am not the only chocolate lover in this school._

That's very true, Remus, you are definitely not the only addict in this school.

_I never said I was an addict._

Yes, well, you should, after all, the first step is admitting you have a problem-

_I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM._

All the books say that addicts react badly when confronted with their addictions.

_You don't read._

Okay, well, I saw this special on television about it when I was flipping channels and it said that all the books say that.

_I hate you all._

And, on that cheerful note we conclude this month's issue of the Marauder's Monday Magazine join us next month and find out whether Sirius and Marlene ever stop being completely dense, whether Lily finally consents to go out with me (it will happen soon! I can feel it!) and whether Remus ever admits his severe chocolate addiction.

_Until Next time…_

…**This has been **_Moony, _Wormtail_, _**Padfoot**_, _**and **Prongs_!_

**A/N Review let me know what you think, send in any prank suggestions, ads, letters, whatever you want. Update should occur next Tuesday. **


	14. November, Seventh Year

**A/N As usual, I remain very sorry for my failure to update in a timely fashion. College as it turns out is very, very hard. Thus updates have been few and far between. I shall try to rectify that this summer however.**

**In answer to a reviewer: I got my spoinkle at a Winds souvenir shop in Florida, they do exist, they are not actually called spoinkles that is just want I named it. :)**

**Thanks to all Reviewers!**

**Dedication: To Padfoot197 my 200****th**** reviewer! :)**

**Disclaimer: I own nada. **

November Edition:

_**Key:**_

_**Bold- Sirius  
**__Italicized- Remus__**  
**__Underlined - Peter__**  
**__Regular- James_

_**Bold/Italicized – Lily**_

_**Bold/Underline-Marcas**_

_**Italics/Underline-Marlene**_

_**Bold/Italics/Underline-Arkie**_

_**Bold/Italicized/Underlined-Ads/Pranks/Letters asking for advice  
**_**Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. **

**Messrs Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs present the Marauders Monday  
Magazine: A Guide to Life at Hogwarts. (Results may vary).**

Welcome back to the November edition of our magazine, which strangely enough is going to have a theme revolving around relationships, I know that's supposed to be more of a February thing, but when James comes and talks in a minute, well, you'll see why.

IT IS I, JAMES POTTER, WITH SOME AMAZING NEWS! THAT'S RIGHT, MY LILYFLOWER HAS AGREED TO DATE ME, WE HAVE NOW BEEN GOING OUT FOR TWO WEEKS, THREE DAYS, 11 HOURS, FIVE MINUTES, AND THIRTY-ONE SECONDS.

**Stalker much?**

You're just cranky because you're still not talking to Marlene.

**Bite me.**

_Ignore him. I always do. Now, get on with the prank, we have a lot to get to today._

Today's prank is centered on our current theme of LOVE! And is as follows: if you know two people who are totally meant to be together, do us all a favor and lock them in the nearest broom closet, make sure a simple Alohamora won't get them out, and if possible that they don't even have their wands.

**Love is a vicious lie perpetuated by the greeting card industry.**

_He's just a bundle of sunshine today, isn't he?_

Let's just move on.

'Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, Sirius Black, and James Potter, henceforth known as the Marauders, are not responsible for any loss of self-confidence, loss of limb, or loss of life that may result from using any of their pranks, furthermore, in the most 'official' sense of the term, we do not condone the use of any of these pranks on your fellow students (we're obligated to say this for legal reasons, however…),therefore in the event that your use of any of the pranks or ideas suggested within the pages of this magazine is not the responsibility of the Marauders.'

And, now we take you to advice from the Marauder's!

_**Marauders, or highly obnoxious brats (besides Remus and Peter),**_

James, Sirius I am going to hurt you, emotionally. James I'm telling Lily about your photo album of her in the shower, and in bikini's. Don't think I don't know about that. Sirius, I have it on good authority that you love your spoinkle. Almost as much as Marlene, I will find it, don't think I won't, introduce her to a male spoinkle and they will get married and forget all about you.

Now that that's over, why does it have to be Snape, just because YOU don't like him doesn't mean everyone else doesn't. I could have been talking about Peter you know. No offense Peter your cute and all, much more then James and Sirius at least.

Thank you very much Remus I shall do that. But what if he never forgets her? I mean he practically loves her. No scratch that he does love her. You shall find your chocolate delivered to you tonight by the way. It's not that I don't love it, I'm allergic to it.

My mother just wants to kill me, almost as much as Sirius's family wants to off him.

And James if your mother sends SIRIUS of all people more chocolate something is wrong there. Seriously wrong.

Sirius, just know that what that thing did to me was emotionally and mentally traumatizing! I'll never forget how scared I was!

Also I have not been confunded nor am I delusional! You are for not telling Marlene you love her!

Homicidal-Gryffindor.

P.S. I will do my threats above, LILY! JAMES HAS NAKED PICS OF YOU! And a lock of your hair he sniffs at night!

_**(the above letter is credited to who dunit why I dunit)**_

Dear Homicidal-Gryffindor,

I am on top of the world right now (BECAUSE LILY SAID YES! BELIEVE IT!), and thus your insults and threats to not faze me. And, I will have you know that my Lily thinks that I am quite handsome, and I also think that it is very sad that my mother likes Sirius better than me. Do you know that just the other day she sent him a whole package of chocolate and other treats, because she heard he was fighting with Marlene? And do you know what she sent me? A note demanding that I get them to stop fighting! As if this was somehow my fault. They are both just too stubborn for their own good. Anyway, uh, good luck with your 'non-Snape crush' although I'm pretty sure that you definitely like Snape (why I don't know). And, I wish I had a photo album like that, sadly I can't get into the girl's dormitories to accomplish that. And, she gave me that lock of hair!

**By that do you mean that it broke off when she attempted to strangle you with her own hair?**

Just because you're alone and miserable doesn't mean you should take it out on the rest of us. (You're beginning to sound like Remus, no offense).

_No offense to him or me?_

I think he actually meant Sirius.

_I really think I'm the one suffering more, as if he could ever sound like me. Anyway, on to the advice dispensing. Homicidal-Gryffindor, well if your crush is who Sirius and James seem to think it is, I'm sure that continuing to threaten them will serve to endear you to him at the very least. Eventually, he will get over this girl, since it doesn't seem she has any interest in him, and then you will have a chance at a good relationship with him, as opposed to a rebound-type relationship that you would have if you try to get between him and this girl in the meantime. (And thank you for the chocolate)._

**I love my spoinkle far more than I love that traitor. And as if you would ever be able to find my spoinkle in the first place. Many have tried, all have failed, remember that. **

If you couldn't tell, Sirius is in a very bad mood, he has been for weeks now, ever since he tried to talk to Marlene and they ended up fighting again-

**Shut up, Peter, did I tell you to inform the readers of the situation between myself and that traitor?**

Well, no…

_We should probably just move on before this whole thing gets any worse, shall we?_

_**Dear Marauders,**_

I don't need advice. Instead, I have some advice for you.

Sirius- STOP BEING OBLIVIOUS. You and Marlene like each other and would make a cute couple. You always freak out at the suggestion that she likes someone else- have you ever thought that it's because you're JEALOUS?

If you think I'm crazy, just ask the other Marauders. They've all noticed it.

James- STOP STALKING LILY. I dare you to go the entire next issue without mentioning her name, or using code names. No mentioning her in any way, shape, or form. Once you've stopped being so obsessive, she might go out with you.

Peter and Remus- Sorry, no advice for you, because I know nothing about your love lives. Try to keep sane around those two.

-Matchmaker

_**(the above letter is credited to ariex04)**_

**Dear Non-Matchmaker,**

**I am calling you non-matchmaker, because you are clearly **_**delusional**_**. I don't even like that person in any way, let alone in a romantic one. I tried to be a good friend to her, but she didn't want that. Instead she wanted to go off and date jerks, and whatever that's her choice. Okay. So, I don't know where you got this idea that we like each other, because it's clearly false. **

**-Sirius**

Dear Matchmaker,

He's a bit sensitive about the whole Marlene thing at the moment if you couldn't tell.

**Am Not!**

Sure. Anyway, I think that you are very clearly wrong, because my Lilyflower, finally agreed to date me, thus proving that persistence pays off! So, ha!

_Is he actually bragging that he harassed someone until they finally gave in and dated him?_

It does appear that way.

I will have you know that Lily happens to like me a lot!

_I_ _know; it's very odd._

What's that supposed to mean?

I'm thinking he means that it's very odd that she likes you.

Why is that odd? Lots of people like me! I will have you know that I am a very likeable person, indeed.

_Uh-huh keep telling yourself that. And, on that note let's move on and see what other letters we have to answer this issue._

_**Dear Messrs M.W.P.P,**_

What is wrong with Padfoot? Has he always been like this? Maybe he should go freeze himself after he drinks coffee? That should stop Moony from trying to kill him. And Moony, we all know that you REALLY love chocolate, so just limit yourself with it. Prongs, just give Lily a break! If you keep coming after her, you will never get her! Wormtail, go get some new friends and the same goes to you, Moony.

Padfoot and Prongs will drive you insane and you won't get good grades because of them. Don't kill me please.

Love, MSM

_**(the above letter is credited to Misty Willow Black-Snape)**_

_What's wrong with Sirius? Too many things to enumerate, although we did try a few issues ago._

**The only thing wrong with me is that SOME people go around acting as though they don't need any help from anyone, they're too busy being stubborn all of the time, and they can't ever accept GOOD advice, from a concerned FRIEND.**

_I'm sure that if such advice were ever actually given, that person would have gladly accepted it._

**Are you implying something?**

_Which brings me right back to something else that is wrong with him, he totally cannot take a hint, about anything, ever, which is the reason we are all living in this hell in the first place. I have never seen such obliviousness. In answer to your other concerns however (although I do think it's strange that it seems more readers are now offering us advice, than asking for any themselves), I can limit my chocolate intake…anytime I want…I just choose not to. Furthermore, Peter and I, or at least I, have other friends. _

Yes, he's _very_ close to Dorcas, very, very close, if you catch my drift.

_Shut up, James._

I'm just saying…

_Well, just stop saying then._

Sheesh, some people are just too touchy…uhm, judging by the looks of homicidal rage being shot at me by both Remus and Sirius I am going to choose to move on, right about now…

**Very wise.**

_**Dear Marlene,**_

BACK OFF BLUDSROD IS MINE! MINE MINE MINE MINE! I HAVE CLASSES WITH YOU AND IF I SEE YOU EVEN GLANCE AT HIM I WILL ERASE ALL THE NOTES YOU HAVE PAINSTAKINGLY TAKEN IN EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THE NOTEBOOKS IN YOUR BAG- EVEN TRANSFIGURATION AND THEN I'LL TELL EVERYONE I SAW YOU AND THAT SLYTHERIN MINDY JUMP-ME-OR-ELSE-I'LL-NEVER-GET-ANY-ACTION SHAGGING IN THE ROOM OF REQUIREMENTS AND THAT FROM WHAT I SAW IT WASN'T THAT GOOD ANYWAY! AND I'LL LET YOUR BROTHERS KNOW WHAT YOU'VE BEEN UP TO! SO WATCH OUT

p.s. Sirius would you like to go to the next Hogsmeade weekend with me? I have no plans as of yet and I think you're really cute

_**(the above note is credited to livin and breathin)**_

_Oh dear._

Shall I fetch Marlene…?

_I'm not really sure that's the best idea._

Too late!

_Hello, Remus, James, Peter._

**Did you hear something, Prongs, or was that just the wind; perhaps someone should shut the window, before we get anything else unwanted in here.**

_You two are really some of the least mature people I have ever met. _

And, that's saying something, seeing as how he knows James and everything.

That's right…hey! I AM SO MATURE! And, likeable, can't forget that one. And do you know who likes me? LILY!

_Okay, seeing as how I am not in the mood to listen to James enumerate the perfection of Lily again; I think I will just answer this question, shall I?_

**Do what you want, you always do.**

_Did you hear something? I thought I did for a moment there. Guess not. Anyway, listen, I don't know who you are exactly, but please get some help. Did I ever profess any particular interest in Bludsrod? I've barely ever said two words to him, although I have to say between the threats and the paranoia, as well as the attempts to keep hold of someone you're clearly not even interested in, make you just perfect for a certain ex-friend of mine, in fact I hope he says yes to your invitation, I hope you bloody well get married, have twenty kids, and spend the rest of your days in mutual paranoia! I'm done with this._

_P.S. I don't know who you are, but you're obviously not a Gryffindor, otherwise instead of hiding behind useless threats, you would meet me face to face. And trust me, I can take you. If you're not too busy cowering in the corner, meet me tonight, ten p.m., on the Quidditch pitch. _

Ooh, girl fight.

Marlene do you really think this is the best idea…?

_Yes. I do._

**Hey, reader girl, you didn't leave your name, but I would be happy to go to Hogsmeade with you, and I definitely think you could take her; she is after all really quite petite.**

_Oh, he did NOT just go there._

_Oh, Merlin._

Shall I just go get Madame Pomfrey on standby for when she kills him?

MARLENE MACKENZIE MCKINNON! THAT IS NOT OKAY, STOP HITTING HIM!

**I would hit back, but I believe in picking on people my own size.**

_I'll show you!_

Er, on that note, let's just move on. Hopefully, by the time we finish answering this next question they will have stopped attempting to kill each other. 

_**Dear Marauders,**_

First of all, I don't even know why you people bother with your strange nicknames. We all know who you really are. Everyone knows that you're James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and (…um…that other guy…Parker? No, it's Peter!) Peter Pettigrew. Therefore, I'm going to readdress my letter to you real names. Well, actually, I'm going to readdress it to the only one of you who ever seems to give good advice…

Dear Remus,

I have a problem. I think I might have to force my parents to disinherit my older sister and blast her off of our family tree. You see, she doesn't like chocolate. At all.

I made a chocolate cake last summer, and I asked her if she wanted a piece, and she was really excited about getting cake, but when I gave it to her, she was just like "Ew. It's chocolate." Clearly she needs to be disowned.

Clearly it's an issue, because she's my older sister, and I really don't know what I'd do without her and all that jazz, but I think it's simply inhuman to not like chocolate.

I've discussed this with my younger sister, and neither of us can see another course of action for what to do about this situation. I mean, clearly the obvious answer is to just learn to live with it and move on with my life and of course if my sister doesn't eat the chocolate there will be more for me, but how can I literally live with someone who doesn't like chocolate?

Please help me!

Sincerely,

Confused Spoinkle, Quidditch, and Chocolate Lover

_**(the above letter is credited to do I need a pen name)**_

_Some people recognize my inherent wisdom…_

Yeah, other crazy chocolate-obsessed nutters.

_I shall ignore that comment. Anyway, I understand the impulse to disown your older sister for such a grievous crime, however when you are dealing with such a sick individual, it is important to show compassion, and realize that there must be something horribly wrong with them in the head, in order for them to hold such beliefs. Thus, you must take them firmly by the hand, and proceed to show them what a miracle chocolate is! I recommend locking your sister in a room and reading aloud from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl, it's a muggle book, but it does convey the magic of chocolate quite satisfactorily, in my opinion. Then try getting her to try different types of chocolate, milk, white, dark, etc, until you find one that she falls in love with. Because it is inevitable that one such type will of course exist. I hope I have been of service to you with this clearly vital problem! Let me know if I can help in any other way._

You are seriously screwed up; you know that, don't you?

_Eh. At least I have chocolate. Now did the lot of you manage to separate Sirius and Marlene yet?_

Um, no. I kind of just left them to it and backed away slow-like.

_Lovely, Peter._

Damn. Now I'm going to have to go pull them apart, before Marlene does permanent damage to him…

Shouldn't you be more concerned about Sirius hurting Marlene?

Nah, Marlene could so take him down.

_**Dear Marauders and Lily,**_

The dreams are back. I don't know what to do! Plus I have had more dreams. One of them is that in four years, Prongs and Lily die at the hands of an evil psychopath. Fourteen years later Padfoot dies a drapery-related death! Two years later Wormtail dies chocking himself with his Silver hand VOLDEMORT gave him. That same year Moony dies in a blaze of glory with his wife, Nymphadora. Please make the dreams stop! I have tried Dreamless sleep potion but it doesn't work! Any advice?

The Glowing Mischief

P.S. Sirius! Marlene! When will you admit you like each other? Stop being so daft!

_**(the above letter is credited to the Glowing Mischief)**_

_Well, you were at least right about Lily and James getting together, but honestly we all know that Divination is a load of hogwash, and anyway, with the amount of stalking James was doing it was only a matter of time before she gave in._

That's right! There's no way Lily could continue to resist my charms.

You know Remus just called you a stalker, right?

Besides, there's just no way that Remus could be married to some Nymphadora person, the only Nymphadora we know is Sirius' younger cousin, and she is like way, way younger. And, besides that, our dear Moony, is totally hung up on Dorcas Meadows, apparently they've been secretly dating since they met up this summer in Diagon Alley for a book club of all things-

_James, just because you like to air your personal business in the magazine, doesn't mean that the rest of us do. _

Dorcas and Remus hate people, so-

_We do not hate people. We just appreciate a better class of people…_

Is there anyone actually in that class besides the two of you?

_Well, no._

Like I was saying, Remus and Dorcas hate people, which is why they didn't tell anyone that they've been dating.

_I loathe you._

What else is new?

_Anyway, despite the rather scattered nature of this reply, the general idea is that there are just way too many contradictory things, that make it impossible for your dreams to be true, besides the fact that divination is a load of hogwash, so I would advise you just to forget about these dreams, they could mean anything, maybe stop eating late at night? I wouldn't advise taking them seriously._

And, now on to our next reader…

_**Dear Marauders,**_

My cousin, uncle, and evil step-aunt forgot about my birthday until Grandpa reminded them. I don't care about the presents or money. But a simple card or text on my actual birthday (and not one week afterward). It would be different if my birthday was a completely random date. But it isn't. I was born exactly ten months to the day after my cousin. He's November 13, I'm September 13 of the following year. We never forget my cousin's birthday. Should I do anything in retaliation or should I just forget it ever happened?

sincerely,

'loha

_This is probably a question best answered by Sirius, so, James did you manage to separate him and Marlene yet? (aka stop Marlene from beating him up)_

**I didn't need help, and I so could have taken her. But before I answer the question I need some ice or something for this eye.**

Uh-huh it seems like you really held your own.

**I did! Anyway, she's stronger than she looks. But as for your issue, 'Loha, I can sympathize with useless family members, believe me you're better off without them. I don't know what your home situation is like in terms of, ah, particular aspects of, let's just say 'parenting methods' but if your uncle and step-aunt are anything like my parents it might be best to avoid provocation (or at least that's what I have been told, personally I like to provoke). But when it comes to forgotten birthdays at least, trust me, you'd probably be happier celebrating your birthdays without them-I for one have had great birthdays since I was about six…well, nevermind.**

_Sirius?_

What happened when you were six?

Marlene.

**It's not important. The point is, I recently learned that you don't need people. People are just useless, I'm going to take a page out of Remus' book and just hate all people-**

Uh-huh, whatever you say, Moony.

**Anyway, people suck, they just let you down, you're better off being alone and bitter. That way you'll never be disappointed. **

**Sincerely,**

**Sirius**

Wow, um, that was some truly excellent and cheerful advice.

I think now might be a good time to interject with something a little, er, less doom and gloom? Yes, well, 'Loha I would advise you that family doesn't have to be the people you share blood ties with, I'm sure you have many close friends who won't forget your birthday, and will be there for you when your family isn't. I know it's not the same, but maybe in time you'll find that the family you choose for yourself is better than the one thrust upon you.

Wow, did James just give good advice?

_Must be Lily's influence._

_**Dear Sirius**_

How do you get your hair so thick and shiny? I've tried everything and it just stays there all limp and dull. If you tell me I will kiss you and more. I will also convince Lily to go out with James.

Love Pretty Gryffindor

_**(The above letter is credited to Padfoot 197)**_

**I'm glad to see that someone appreciates me, and is willing to take my advice. **

_Subtle._

**Why thank you, Remus. I thought it was rather subtle, although some people are so OBLIVIOUS that they cannot see what is right in FRONT of their face like the fact that SOMEONE is just trying to be HELPFUL, so subtlety would just be utterly LOST on that class of individuals.**

_I find that I am shocked by the obliviousness of some people more and more each and every day._

**I'm glad you see the problem.**

_Yes, yes I do. And we have just seen Exhibit A._

**Anyway, back to my wonderful advice. Fortunately for me, my hair comes to be naturally, I will say one thing for the Black family and that is that our genes are exceptional when it comes to appearance. Fortunately for **_**you**_**, I still have plenty of good advice to dispense with as I am something of a hair expert. I suggest Madame Claudette's Miracle Hair gloss coupled with a healthy dose of Mademoiselle Marseilles' Magical Magnifier, guaranteed to provide body to any head of hair. **

Statements like that really make it hard for me to take you seriously as a man.

_Well, that and the fact that he routinely gets beat up by a girl half his size._

**For the last time, she's stronger than she looks, OKAY?**

Whatever you say, Sirius.

**AND THIS IS WHY I NOW HATE PEOPLE.**

_**Dear Marauders,**_

I have a serious problem. I am being stalked by a rat. Sounds crazy but i swear! I see it everywhere! On the grounds, in the library, in the common room! And I know it's the same one to! It has the same marks on its back! Please help!

Rataphobic

Really, a rat? Why on earth would there be a RAT of all things, and the same rat too, how very, very strange.

I'm sure it's probably uh, multiple rats. Hogwarts is very old you know and there are probably tens, no hundreds of rats crawling all over the place. 

You would know.

**I prefer not to imagine vermin crawling all over the place.**

_You know what why don't you just try telling the rat to please stop following you, I'm sure it would be more than happy to oblige._

Is that the best you can do?

_Even I can only manage so much._

I think it's time for subtlety like only I can manage, let's move on to another question, shall we?

_I definitely could never hope to be that subtle._

_**Dear Marauders (But mostly James),**_

would you PLEASE either get Lily to date you or either stop asking her to go out with you? She's driving me insane! Every night she comes into the dormitory, she's fuming and ranting on about Potter this and Potter that, i just can't STAND it! I'm going MAD with her complaints! So James, all of you, find some way TO SHUT HER UP! please.

MrsLongbottom

_**(The above question is credited to WobblyJelly)**_

Obviously, she wrote this letter before my Lilyflower agreed to be my Lilyflower, because as we can all attest Lily is clearly wild about me. And now the world is perfect and wonderful and great and magnificent…

**Can someone please shut him up? I can't deal with the sad delusional talk, this is propaganda! LIES OF THE GREETING CARD INDUSTRY!**

_**If you had said this two weeks ago, Alice Prewett, I would have been prepared to kill you, however…**_

NOW LILYFLOWER AND I ARE AN ITEM!

_**A very, very happy item. :) :) :)**_

**YOU SICKEN ME!**

_**Still bitter about Marlene, huh?**_

**Do not speak the traitor's name in my presence.**

Do not boss my Lilyflower around.

**VICIOUS PROPOGANDA! DO YOU SEE WHAT WOMEN DO, NOW THEY ARE DESTROYING MY LAST FRIENDSHIP…ALL I HAVE IS PETER. Dorcas has Remus. Lily has James…and hey where did Peter GO? **

_He appears to be talking to the nice sixth year from Hufflepuff._

**NOOO! EVERYONE HAS LEFT MEEE! NOOO!**

_**This is really becoming quite sad. Perhaps we should have his head examined.**_

_I've been saying that for years. _

As much as I think a good psych evaluation would do him wonders, I can't allow any member of my time to come in contact with a medical professional of any sort prior to the Quidditch Cup, he will just have to deal with his psychosis awhile longer.

_Your concern for his welfare is touching._

Thank you, Remus. Anyway, why don't we just move on before he has time to dwell on his misery any further.

_**Dear Marauders,**_

I've been thinking about getting an owl, yet I don't know which one to choose! I love elf owls, but they're too small to send letters back home! Help!

Sincerely, All Out of Owls

P.S. Are you reading this, Remus? I LOVE YOU! Will you go out with me?

P. P. S. James- Get a life, dude. Lily ain't gonna hook up with you!

_**(The above letter is credited to ElfOwlGirl)**_

Okay, I think there are several important points to get out of the way first and foremost: 1. LILY LOVES ME, SO THERE. 2. As I already exclusively revealed in a breaking news report: REMUS IS DATING DORCAS (the February issue of the magazine will feature a groundbreaking profile of the Remus/Dorcas relationship, as well as the destined couple that is Lily and I, as well as special love advice, (un)romantic humor, likely to be of a Black nature if Padfoot's current mood is any indication, and compatibility tests to help spread love throughout Hogwarts! I know it's three months away but get excited! I know I am!)

**Valentine's Day is a fabrication of the greeting card industry and vicious attempt by girls to get guys to buy them stuff they don't even need or really want but feel compelled to own by the societal trap that is teen love.**

Who is this guy and what has he done with Sirius Black?

_From what I understand Sirius was once actually a pretty serious child. (Don't say it! There was NO pun intended) A long, long time ago._

Of course he was a Sirius child, how could he help it?

_I loathe you._

It occurs to me that our answers so far have absolutely nothing do with the question, which was about cats or toads or something.

**Owls actually. And, I personally recommend that you go with the elf owls, because then if your letter never gets there you will never be disappointed, and also, you won't have to worry about people ignoring your advice because they probably won't get it in the first place, so then at least you won't have to feel bad that they completely shove your good deed back in your face because they are a mean, backstabbing traitor.**

_Sirius, I think that is quite enough._

_Let him talk, Remus. You know what? If you think I'm a backstabbing traitor, Sirius Black, that's just fine. Go ahead, be that way. It's not as if I was there for you whenever you needed a friend from the first day we met, no of course not, I'm just a mean, backstabbing traitor. I was probably too busy ignoring your highly intelligent advice to ever support you in anything. You know what, Sirius? I've had just about enough, you can go to hell. Have a nice life._

Sirius…

**Whatever. I have to go, finish up without me, alright?**

…so that went well.

_Um, and now for a timely word from our sponsors: _

_**You love animals, who doesn't? And most importantly, you love your pet. But you don't want your four legged angel to become a baby-making-factory or a deadbeat dad. That's why Hogsmeade has opened it's new spay and neuter clinic called My Testicles are Killing Me. They charge less than most veterinarians, so you can be a responsible pet owner more affordably. Neutering your pet and other random critters reduces the number of strays in the area and gives our already crowded animal shelter a break. Your female animals will stop bleeding on the carpet and male animals are less likely to spray your furniture if they are neutered. Come to My Testicles are Killing Me at the corner of Main st. and Hamilton rd. We'll neuter everything from wild pests to your family dog! Our number is (555)666-1313.**_

_**(The above ad is credited to 'Loha)**_

_And sounder advice, I've seldom heard. _

And on this cheerful note we wrap up this month's edition of the magazine.

_Until Next time…_

…**This has been **_Moony, _Wormtail_, _**Padfoot**_, _**and **Prongs_!_

**A/N Review, Review, Review! Also, be on the lookout for updates, especially for Love and Friendship which will be coming up in the next few days. Woot!**


	15. December, Seventh Year

**A/N Hello, all I apologize immensely for the long wait. But I have returned with a new update.**

**Thanks to all Reviewers!**

**Dedication: to Forever Sirius Black Lover, for her marvelous review.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing!**

**December Edition:**

_**Key:**_

_**Bold- Sirius  
**__Italicized- Remus__**  
**__Underlined - Peter__**  
**__Regular- James_

_**Italics/Underline-Marlene**_

_**Bold/Italicized/Underlined-Ads/Pranks/Letters asking for advice  
**_**Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. **

**Messrs Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs present the Marauders Monday  
Magazine: A Guide to Life at Hogwarts. (Results may vary).**

* * *

Prank of the Month:

It's the season of festive cheer!

**Psh. Cheer. What cheer?**

_As you can see he really hasn't perked up much since the last issue._

But we live in hope. 

Anyway, ignoring everyone else, let me just say, that we at the Marauder's Monday Magazine, firmly believe in celebrating the holidays in style. Thus, I recommend, capturing the first years-

_James. How many times do I have to tell you that it is simply not okay to capture the first years._

Once more at least.

**Moony really is quite bossy. But I say, if it feels good do it. **

That seems, like, um, a kind of dangerous notion.

**That's what I thought, but then SOMEONE, was all like, I do what I want, and I don't take advice from anyone, because I'm stubborn, and pig-headed, and evil, and, um…**

Look what you did Peter, you set him off again.

_I completely agree with you Sirius._

**You do?**

_Yes. I quite think that you're stubborn and pig-headed, and whatever else it is you were listing off, but evil may be a bit of a strong term._

…**NOT ME! I was referring to that evil, evil woman.**

I think we should just ignore him and move on; he goes into far too many of these rants for us to indulge every single one.

**Hey, I indulged seven years of Lily obsessed rants, poems, songs, and various other forms of torture, I think you can listen to my rightful indignation.**

Yes, well, I'm not really quite sure how you managed to sustain that, but I for one obviously do not have your patience.

_As if. He used to_ _pay various underclassmen to sit there under polyjuice potion and pose as him while you listened, and then he would come back after a couple of hours._

Is that why they gave me such terrible advice?

**Duh.**

I feel so betrayed. I don't know how I will carry on.

_Well, you're going to need to muddle through and recount whatever terrible prank you have planned._

Fine, fine. As I was saying, you collect the first years, shrink them to the size of the fairies that Flitwick likes to use to light the trees, and then you enchant them to sing Christmas carols, dressing them up like tiny Christmas elves. They make a wonderful gift for that special person.

_Um. I feel like this is a REALLY, REALLY good time for the disclaimer._

Ah. Yes.

'Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, Sirius Black, and James Potter, henceforth known as the Marauders, are not responsible for any loss of self-confidence, loss of limb, or loss of life that may result from using any of their pranks, furthermore, in the most 'official' sense of the term, we do not condone the use of any of these pranks on your fellow students (we're obligated to say this for legal reasons, however…),therefore in the event that your use of any of the pranks or ideas suggested within the pages of this magazine is not the responsibility of the Marauders.'

And, now we take you to advice from the Marauder's!

* * *

_**Dear Messer MWPP**_

_**First off to Remus. Chocolate is very bad for your skin. Not that I'm hating on it, I absolutely love it. But you really might want to limit yourself from a.)getting fat b.) having bad skin c.)really bad teeth.**_

_**Sirius, you sound just like my friend who always tries to start a fight with people whenever you get mad. Maybe you should take yoga sometime. It would do you wonders.**_

_**James, you really have a problem with Lily. It is very unhealthy to keep going on about talking about her.**_

_**Peter, you should really hangout with others. The kind that you can trust like these idiots (Remus is not an idiot). Try someone in Ravenclaw of Hufflepuff, and if you want a Slytherin. It would be good for you to try and expand your friendships elsewhere.**_

_**Also is there any way to stop people from asking me if I'm going out with a guy that I really don't like. I mean he is nice an all but he just kinda creeps me out. It is also with my best friend's boyfriend. I don't want her to get mad at me... PLEASE HELP ME!**_

_**(the above letter was written by Mira SiriusSeverus Black-Snape)**_

_Chocolate is amazing, it would never, ever harm me. Besides, I have a very effective weight loss method which I am unable to disclose, and also, I don't breakout, and if I did, there's definitely a potion for that. Thus, I am able to enjoy my chocolate without reservation._

I simply appreciate the wonderfulness that is my girlfriend, and desire that everyone should know how great she is, is that so wrong?

But I am perfectly happy with the friend's I have, plus, Sirius has been really clingy lately, on account of the whole um, ah, disagreement with She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named-In-Sirius'-Presence, he says I'm all he has left on account of Remus being with Dorcas, and James being with Lily. Considering his generally unstable nature I don't think I should risk pushing him further toward the edge.

**PSH. I am soo CALM. CALM, COOL, AND COLLECTED. DID someone tell you otherwise, because I know a certain person who is always going around trying to besmirch my good name-**

_He is really starting to lose it._

He never really had it.

_That's true. Now we should probably answer the main question of this letter. If you don't want people to think you are involved with your best friend's boyfriend you should probably avoid being alone with him as much as possible, especially if you find him to be creepy. _

Perhaps, you could also pointedly mention that he is dating your best friend loudly in front of a large group of people.

_There's that famous James Potter subtlety. _

Thank you, Moony.

_Why do I even bother?_

**We've been wondering that for years.**

* * *

_**Dear Remus,**_

_**Thanks for the advice; I'll be sure to start stocking up on chocolate to force-feed-ahem, OFFER to my sister right away. But before I do that, I feel like I should do something to thank you. I was reading your prank of the day when I realized that I know the perfect broom closet for you to lock Sirius and Marlene in so that they can FINALLY admit their undying love for each other. You see, in retaliation for my sister's insane idea that chocolate is evil; I began stealing all of her coffee. So now I have quite a huge supply of it in that empty broom closet next to that abandoned classroom on the fifth floor. Feel free to drop a hint to Marlene and Sirius about it.**_

_**Sincerely,**_

_**Obsessed Spoinkle, Quidditch, and Chocolate Lover**_

_**PS-Because I know giving the addicts all of the coffee is bound to drive you insane, I'll be sure to send you all of the extra chocolate I end up with, once I figure out what my sister likes. :)**_

_**(The above letter is attributed to do I need a pen name)**_

_Thankfully, Sirius has just left with James for Quidditch practice so I am at leisure to respond to your question without him seeing it. _

_We have not (quite) reached the level of desperation that would drive us to lock them in a broom closet, however, I will definitely keep that advice in mind for the near future if Sirius and Marlene do not soon take steps toward a resolution of some sorts._

_We are in daily hopes that they will make up soon. While they are both incredibly stubborn they have never gone so long without speaking and we are hopeful they will crack under the strain any day now._

_And thank you for the chocolate! Have an excellent day!_

* * *

_**Dear Sirius**_

_**YOU EVIL, EVIL MAN CHILD! ON OUR DATE YOU BARELY EVEN LOOKED AT ME! ALL YOU DID WAS SPY ON THAT TART MARLENE MCKINNON BECAUSE SHE WAS ON A DATE WITH DEDALUS I KISSED YOU YOU DIDN'T EVEN REACT YOU JUST ASKED ME ABOUT HER! AND I HAVE IT ON GOOD AUTHORITY THAT I AM THE BEST KISSER IN ALL OF HOGWARTS! I HATE YOU AND IN THIS LETTER YOU WILL A CURSE THAT WILL MAKE ALL YOUR HAIR FALL OFF AND IT WILL TAKE AGES TO GROW BACK! YOU HAVE MADE YOURSELF A POWERFUL ENEMY SIRIUS BLACK AND YOU WILL RUE THE DAY THAT YOU LOOKED AT MARLENE**_

_**LOTS OF HATE**_

_**PRETTY GRYFFINDOR**_

_**P. HAIR IS NOW WAY SHINIER THAN YOURS YOU SHALLOW PRETTY BOY, IN FACT I'M OUT OF YOU LEAGUE!**_

_**P.P. YOU FREE REMUS?**_

_**(The above letter is attributed to Padfoot197)**_

**All mail in this magazine is screened on Slytherin first years before it ever comes into contact with any of us, thus **_**my**_** hair is perfectly well intact. And trust me; you aren't the best kisser at Hogwarts, who told you that, your ex-Hufflepuff boyfriend who you probably held at wandpoint?**

_Sirius. Be nice._

**Why should I? Besides if I didn't pay enough attention to you it's probably because you weren't very interesting. And I've been ruing the day I looked at that traitor for a long while, and you have nothing to do with that, but I will give her this, she is far more entertaining than you.**

_And, I am very sorry, but I cannot go out with you, I am in a relationship with Dorcas Meadows._

I feel like no one knows that, Remus, you and Dorcas should really try to be more expressive.

Like Lily and I! We scream our love from the rooftops!

**I think that's mostly just you, James.**

Eh.

And, now we've decided to bring back a popular feature, the Marauder's Comedy Corner!

_Merlin. Not more of these corny jokes._

**Oh, yes!**

* * *

**Q: Why are haunted houses so ****noisy in April? **

A: That's when ghosts do their spring screaming!

_Your jokes really have not gotten any funnier_

* * *

**Well, how about this one? **

Q: What's a monster's favorite play?**  
****A:**** Romeo and Ghouliet**

_You know in the original play, two people from very different families fall in love and then do a series of exceedingly dumb things when had they just been practical they would have been together._

Remus, your subtlety is approaching James level.

_Yes, well, subtlety really doesn't work on some people here, so you have to practically hit them over the head with the information for them to get a clue._

Ooh, why don't we try hitting him on the head with a roll of parchment that explains everything and see if it works?

_I didn't mean it literally, James._

**Since, I don't know what is going on I am going to ignore you all and move on to the next joke.**

_You are quite good at ignoring what's right in front of you._

* * *

**Q:**** What's the name of the book of socially prominent monsters? **  
A: The Book of who's Boo.

**My family would be in there for sure.**

_I've got a joke._

I know you would warm up to this eventually.

* * *

_What has a purple spotted body, ten hairy legs and big eyes on stalks?_

**I don't know what?**

_I don't know either but there is one crawling up your leg! _

**AHH! GIANT MUTANT SPIDER! GET IT OFF ME, GET IT OFF ME! AHHHHHHHHH!**

Sirius!

**AHHHHHH!**

SIRIUS!

**WHAT?**

There's nothing on you, Remus was just tormenting you.

**Oh. Damn it. Remus you've just ruined my cool guy reputation.**

_Hahahaahaahaha…oh I'm sorry were you being serious?_

He's always being Sirius, he can't help it.

_I will hurt you James. I will slowly, slowly torture you, until you scream for your mommy, over and over again, but she will not come, and you will just be left a miserable puddle of the human being you once were._

You scare me.

_Good._

**Let's just move on before he kills us.**

* * *

Anyway, it's now time for a timely word from our sponsors.

_**Buy Bloody Blood, one hundred percent blood, for one hundred percent vampires, stop by our shop in Knockturn alley today!**_

This kind of scares me.

**As much as Remus?**

No one scares me as much as Remus.

_As it should be._

* * *

_**It's the time of year for festive cheer, and gifts for that special someone, stop by Madame Mimi's personal shopper service in Hogsmeade, and she will find you the perfect gift! No more struggling for days to find a substandard gift, and our services are completely confidential, so no one will know you did not find the present yourself.**_

I like her.

_Lily will kill you if you don't pick out her present yourself._

But it's completely confidential.

**Please. Lily will know. Lily knows everything.**

That's true. I better not risk it.

And on that note we conclude this month's issue of the Marauder's Monday Magazine, have a Happy Holidays! We will be back next month, until then this has been…

_Moony, _Wormtail_, _**Padfoot**_, _**and **Prongs!

* * *

**A/N Review!**

**Also, check out Love and Friendship, which is the story of Sirius and Marlene's fight in this story. **


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